How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

Great relationships are built, not discovered. A lasting relationship doesn’t just happen. It is the culmination of a series of decisions, including when to get out there, whom to date, how to end it with the wrong person, when to settle down with the right one, and everything in between.

while people crave choice, too many options can make us feel less happy and more doubtful of our decisions. They call this the paradox of choice.

Great relationships are built, not discovered. But our minds are often stuck in a trap, thinking that by combing through hundreds of options, we’ll be closer to knowing whether the one in front of us is “right.”

In comparison, those with the work-it-out mindset believe that relationships take effort, that love is an action you take, not something that happens to you. People with the work-it-out mindset tend to fare better in relationships because when they stumble, they put in the work needed to get the relationship back on track, rather than giving up.

Romanticism elevated love from “a kind of illness” to the new model for what we have come to expect from long-term relationships.

Maximizers constantly second-guess themselves. They suffer doubly: first in the agony leading up to the decision, and again every time they worry they’ve made the wrong one.

“Maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them. Satisficers make good decisions and end up feeling good.”

good-looking people are perceived as more persuasive, trustworthy, outgoing, socially competent and powerful, sexually responsive, healthy, intelligent, and likable.

“There is no correlation between how satisfied or how happy you are with a relationship and how similar your personalities are.”

A good relationship has space for different people with different hobbies.

having multiple people you can turn to for emotional needs—rather than just one or two—leads to an increase in your overall well-being.

I quote Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and celebrated psychiatrist. He wrote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Someone who is emotionally stable takes advantage of that space.

The first step in fighting well is understanding that there are two types of problems in relationships: solvable problems and perpetual ones—unsolvable, permanent features of your partnership. John Gottman discovered that 69 percent of all relationship conflicts are perpetual.

Most of us have no idea what kind of partner will fulfill us long term.

goods defined by attributes that are subjective, aesthetic, holistic, emotive, and tied to the production of sensation.

The Post-Date Eight What side of me did they bring out? How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between? Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date? Is there something about them I’m curious about? Did they make me laugh? Did I feel heard? Did I feel attractive in their presence? Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?

“Hey [insert name]. I really enjoyed talking about [insert conversation topic]. I don’t think we’re a romantic match, but I enjoyed meeting you.”

This is about learning how they feel, not persuading them to give you what you want.

Married couples who move in together before they get married tend to be less satisfied and more likely to divorce than those who don’t. This association is known as the cohabitation effect.

EXERCISE: Get Aligned Before You Sign a Lease Before you move in together, set aside a weekend to answer these questions: Why are we moving in together? What does moving in together mean to you? Where do you see this relationship going in the future? Is marriage something we’re considering? If so, when do you see us getting married? What are your fears about living together?

When we flood, we’re not able to really listen or take in new information.

Is my partner more of a Prom Date or a Life Partner? In other words, is this someone who will be by my side for the long term, or someone who’s just fun now? The Wardrobe Test: If my partner were a piece of clothing in my closet, what would they be? Is this someone I can grow with? Do I admire this person? What side of me does this person bring out? Is this the person I want to share my good news with? When I have a hard day at work, do I want to talk about it with my partner? Do I value my partner’s advice? Am I looking forward to building a future with this person? Can I envision reaching key life milestones together, such as buying a house or having a family? Is this someone I can make tough decisions with? If I imagine worst-case scenarios, like losing a job or losing a child, is this the person I’d want by my side to think through questions like “Should we relocate?” or “How can we manage our grief while taking care of our other children?” Do we communicate well and fight productively?

Conversation #1: The Past What are three moments about your past that you feel define you? How do you think your childhood affects who you are today? Did your parents fight? What are your fears around relationship conflict? What traditions from your family do you want to carry on in our family? How did your family talk (or not talk) about sex when you were growing up? What did money represent in your family? What baggage from your family do you want to leave in the past? Conversation #2: The Present Do you feel comfortable talking to me as things come up? Is there anything about our communication style that you want to work on? Do you feel like you can be yourself in the relationship? Why or why not? What changes would you like to make to our relationship? How well do you think we handle conflict? What’s your favorite ritual that we do together? What’s something you wish we did more of together? How well do you feel like I know your friends and family? Is there anyone in your life (family, friend, coworker) whom you’d like me to get to know better? How often would you like to be having sex? How could our sex life be better? What can I do to improve it? What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but have been afraid to ask for? How often do you think about money? Let’s talk openly about our finances. Do you have student loans? Credit card debt? Is my debt your debt? What’s the most you’d spend on a car? A couch? A pair of shoes? Conversation #3: The Future Where do you wa...

“It is not the strongest of the species which survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Even if you have a strong relationship today, your relationship may fail if you don’t adapt.

How was your last week? Did you feel supported by me? How can I support you in the coming week?