How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

Great relationships are built, not discovered. A lasting relationship doesn’t just happen. It is the culmination of a series of decisions, including when to get out there, whom to date, how to end it with the wrong person, when to settle down with the right one, and everything in between.

In comparison, those with the work-it-out mindset believe that relationships take effort, that love is an action you take, not something that happens to you. People with the work-it-out mindset tend to fare better in relationships because when they stumble, they put in the work needed to get the relationship back on track, rather than giving up.

Stop the double standard: You’re not a movie star.

Work-it-out mindset shift No relationship is easy all the time. Even the healthiest, most rewarding marriages require effort. Finding someone can be hard, but often the real challenge comes later. The hard part is the daily work you put in to grow and sustain a great relationship. The hard part is feeling excited to see your spouse at the end of the day, after thirty years and two kids, long after the honeymoon period is over. The hard part is remembering why you love someone during all the logistical, financial, emotional, and spiritual challenges life throws at you.

Work-it-out mindset shift Love takes work—from finding it to keeping it alive. Waiting around at the farmers’ market just won’t cut it. You need to put in effort to find someone. (Don’t worry, I’ll show you how in Section 2.) The magic of a relationship doesn’t depend on a serendipitous or cinematic meeting. The magic lies in the fact that two strangers come together and create a life. It’s not important where or how they met.

In other words, the quality of your choice and how you feel about it.

You can’t fail at something you never attempt, right? But people who wait until they are 100 percent ready underestimate what they’re missing out on.

To shift toward pursuing the Life Partner, you must learn to recognize the present bias and deliberately work against it.

Find someone who complements you, not your personality twin.

Here’s the key: It’s fine to have different interests, so long as the time you spend pursuing your favorite activities doesn’t preclude you from investing in the relationship. If you love wine and your partner couldn’t care less about it, that’s okay; you don’t need to marry a sommelier. What matters is that when you drink wine, or go on a trip to Napa to try a new prized cabernet sauvignon, your partner doesn’t try to make you feel guilty or say something like “Why do you always have to drink?” A good relationship has space for different people with different hobbies.

Expecting our partners to fulfill all our needs puts a lot of pressure on relationships.

Remember, just because they don’t share all your interests doesn’t make them a bad partner! And for those roles your partner isn’t suited for, find a friend or family member who can fill in. In the long run, this will make you happier because your needs are being met. And it will make your partner happier because they can focus on roles that match their skills and interests.

“Kind partners are awesome. They’re generous, they’re empathic, and they want to be supportive of you.” Kindness and emotional stability also allow us to treat our partner with care and compassion, which research from John and Julie Gottman suggests is the key to long-term relationship success.