How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

We’ve gotten hooked on this feeling of certainty, and we crave it in our romantic lives. But when it comes to relationships, that kind of assurance doesn’t exist. There is no “right answer” to questions like Who should I be with? and How much should I compromise? and Will they ever change?

Today our primary view into other people’s relationships is staged, curated, Instagram-filtered social media feeds—excited mid-hike engagement announcements, vacation pictures with a snoozing baby strapped on someone’s chest. This leads us to feel like we’re the only ones experiencing heart-wrenching struggles in our love lives (just in much less flattering lighting).

When it comes to romantic relationships, psychologist Renae Franiuk found that people have either a soul mate mindset, the belief that relationship satisfaction comes from finding the right person; or a work-it-out mindset, the belief that relationship success derives from putting in effort.

In comparison, those with the work-it-out mindset believe that relationships take effort, that love is an action you take, not something that happens to you. People with the work-it-out mindset tend to fare better in relationships because when they stumble, they put in the work needed to get the relationship back on track, rather than giving up.

dwell on their partner’s imperfections

just because they don’t share all your interests doesn’t make them a bad partner!

You always think the next thing will be better than what you have.

she explained that our brains have developed a negativity bias, an instinct to ruminate on what’s gone wrong.