How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

While love may be a natural instinct, dating isn’t. We’re not born knowing how to choose the right partner.

Intentional Love asks you to view your love life as a series of choices rather than accidents.

Great relationships are built, not discovered. A lasting relationship doesn’t just happen. It is the culmination of a series of decisions, including when to get out there, whom to date, how to end it with the wrong person, when to settle down with the right one, and everything in between.

The dark side of all this freedom and endless choice is the crippling fear that we’ll screw up our lifelong pursuit of happiness. If we’re in charge, then we have only ourselves to blame. We could fail, and then it would be our fault.

Around 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce or separation, and about 4 percent of married people report feeling miserable in their relationships. Put it all together, and a majority of married people have either chosen to end their relationship or are enduring it unhappily.

In comparison, those with the work-it-out mindset believe that relationships take effort, that love is an action you take, not something that happens to you. People with the work-it-out mindset tend to fare better in relationships because when they stumble, they put in the work needed to get the relationship back on track, rather than giving up.

No relationship is easy all the time. Even the healthiest, most rewarding marriages require effort.

In one research paper, Marshall wrote that “exposure to an ex-partner through Facebook may obstruct the process of healing.” Mason found that talking to an ex worsens your psychological health.

Attractive people tend to earn higher salaries and beat their less attractive opponents in political races. In multiple studies investigating attractiveness, researchers noted that good-looking people are perceived as more persuasive, trustworthy, outgoing, socially competent and powerful, sexually responsive, healthy, intelligent, and likable.

A big part of our sex drive is associated with novelty. So no matter how hot your partner is, it’s likely that your sexual interest in them will decrease over time, simply because they are no longer new to you. To paraphrase some Internet wisdom: “For every hot person, there is someone out there tired of having sex with them.”

Here’s the key: It’s fine to have different interests, so long as the time you spend pursuing your favorite activities doesn’t preclude you from investing in the relationship.

Expecting our partners to fulfill all our needs puts a lot of pressure on relationships.

Kindness and emotional stability also allow us to treat our partner with care and compassion, which research from John and Julie Gottman suggests is the key to long-term relationship success.

People with a growth mindset believe that they can improve their intelligence and skills. They love to learn. They’re motivated by challenges and see failure as a sign that they need to stretch their abilities. They’re resilient and comfortable taking risks.

The first step in fighting well is understanding that there are two types of problems in relationships: solvable problems and perpetual ones—unsolvable, permanent features of your partnership. John Gottman discovered that 69 percent of all relationship conflicts are perpetual.

Our instinct to avoid conversations with strangers is wrong. We only think we want solitude. We underestimate how much joy social connection can bring.

Stop believing that if a dependable person doesn’t give you butterflies, it must not be love. It’s still love, just not the anxious kind.