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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Logan Ury
Read between
February 19 - March 1, 2025
“It was seen as a very exciting moment, akin to a kind of illness, a kind of ecstatic moment. Love stood outside of ordinary experience… almost like a religious visitation. And it might have occurred to someone only once in their life.
What’s your goal? To have the world’s best coffee machine or to be happy? If it’s happiness you’re after, it’s the subjective experience, not the objective result, that really matters. While the quality of coffee is important, how we feel about that coffee is paramount.
Remember, Satisficers can have very high standards. They may look around for a while until they find an option that meets their expectations. The difference is, once they find something that meets their standards, they are happy with it. They don’t wonder what else is out there.
we’re less committed to choices we think we can reverse, and commitment is crucial for happiness.
In the end, a relationship is not about who each of you is separately, it’s about what happens when the two of you come together.
Instead of asking, “What did you think of him?” ask, “What did you think of me around him?”
The goal is not to convince each other to change or even to come to an agreement—it’s to find a productive way to live with this difference.
While you may think you know what you want in a partner, you’re probably wrong.
Just because you know where people have been or where they are now doesn’t mean you know where they’re going.
“Abby,” I said to her, “your luggage tag literally says, ‘I love not camping.’ This isn’t you. This is who you want to be for the type of guy you think you should be with.”
Research from psychology professor Gail Matthews shows that publicly committing to a goal makes people more likely to accomplish what they set out to do.
A lucky break was staring them in the face in a big bold font, but they couldn’t see it because of their negative outlook. Their mindset became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He focused on four things: listening to their intuition; expecting to be lucky; spotting chance opportunities; and rebounding more quickly when bad things happen. Assignments ranged from keeping a diary of lucky occurrences, to “visualizing good fortune,” to verbally declaring their intentions: “I am willing to put time and effort into changing my luck.”
I want you to put yourself through your own version of luck school, shifting your mindset to expect great dates. To help you do this, design a pre-date ritual. This is something you’ll do before every date to get you in the right headspace.
Support responses indicate that you’re invested in their story and want to hear more. They make your date feel appreciated and amplify the connection between the two of you.
That’s because of a phenomenon called the peak-end rule: When assessing an experience, people judge it based largely on how they felt at the most intense moment and at the end.
He started agreeing to second dates with guys who weren’t as impressive on paper but made him feel optimistic, attractive, and relaxed.
The importance of mate value disappears over time. What matters is how you feel about someone as you get to know them.
Don’t pursue the wrong relationship because you met the “right” way.
One such bias is the fundamental-attribution error, our tendency to believe someone’s actions reflect who they are rather than the circumstances.
You are not your flaws.
It’s better to go on a second or third date with somebody and then find out that they’re not a good fit than to rule out potential matches because of an initial impression that’s vulnerable to all types of cognitive biases.
Relationships, in particular, are full of decision points. Many of them stress us out and keep us up at night. But I see decision points as gifts—opportunities to pause, take a breath, and reflect on what we’re doing.
If your partner were a piece of clothing that you own—something in your closet—what piece of clothing would they be?
Behavioral economist Amos Tversky used to go to the movies, and if he didn’t enjoy the first five minutes of the film, he’d leave. “They’ve already taken my money,” he explained. “Should I give them my time, too?”
Because of loss aversion, we experience twice as much psychological pain from losing that $100 as we experience pleasure from gaining $100. In other words, to feel the intensity of losing $100, you’d have to gain $200.
Focus on yourself first. We’re most able to love when we feel complete.
It’s your right to break up with them, and it’s their right to have a strong emotional response to that action.
When you actively agree to do something, you feel like the decision is yours, and you see it as a reflection of your own preferences and ideals. This doesn’t happen when you passively commit.
“Have the courage to assume responsibility for the damage you’ve done in their life, without trying to make it all better immediately,” de Botton said.
How was your last week? Did you feel supported by me? How can I support you in the coming week?
What would my life look like if I sat down with my partner on a regular basis and expressed what’s really going on for me? I promise you, it’s worth it.
You designed your life, you held yourself accountable, you were honest with yourself about who you were and what you wanted, and most important, you course-corrected when you had to.
