How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

It’s time to realize that the package this person comes in might be different from what you were expecting. Maybe this person is shorter or taller or rounder or slimmer or darker or lighter or hairier or smoother than you expected. That very narrow view of this person’s looks holds you back from seeing the possibilities in front of you. If you’re not perfect, why should this person be? Stop the double standard: You’re not a movie star.

The magic of a relationship doesn’t depend on a serendipitous or cinematic meeting. The magic lies in the fact that two strangers come together and create a life. It’s not important where or how they met.

Many hours of a marriage are spent on the everyday, rarely posted minutiae of life: changing dirty diapers, doing laundry, and washing dishes. Love happens in these moments, not in spite of them. Love is so much more than a filtered photo captured at sunset.

People with soul mate beliefs reject promising partners because they don’t match their vision for what love should look and feel like. They think that love will just happen to them. They expect love to be effortless. If it’s not, they must be with the wrong person. People with a work-it-out mindset know that relationships take effort and that building a successful relationship is a process.

Research shows that Satisficers tend to be happier, because in the end, satisfaction comes from how you feel about your decision, not the decision itself.

You’ll never be 100 percent ready for anything, including—and perhaps especially—dating.

And, by the way, let’s say you do reach this so-called state of perfection you’ve envisioned for yourself—by earning that promotion or shedding ten pounds—and then enter into a relationship. Will you worry that their love is conditional? That they’ll leave you if you lose your job, tailspin, develop a ravenous cheddar cheese addiction, and gain twenty-five pounds?

Commit to doing your therapy work in parallel with dating.

In other words, we want reversible decisions, but irrevocable ones make us happier in the long term. Keeping your ex around as a potential love interest turns your breakup into a changeable decision. Allow yourself to move on by making it an unchangeable one.

“exposure to an ex-partner through Facebook may obstruct the process of healing.” Mason found that talking to an ex worsens your psychological health.

Perfection is a lie. Everyone else is imperfect, too—even the person you’ll eventually end up with.

There are many people with whom you can share a tryst but far fewer with whom you can build a life.

When you’re thinking about who to marry, she says, don’t ask yourself: What would a love story with this person look like? Instead, ask: Can I make a life with this person? That’s the fundamental distinction.

research from Harvard Business School found that couples who can afford to outsource time-intensive tasks like cooking and cleaning enjoy greater relationship satisfaction because they can spend more quality time together.

A big part of our sex drive is associated with novelty. So no matter how hot your partner is, it’s likely that your sexual interest in them will decrease over time, simply because they are no longer new to you. To paraphrase some Internet wisdom: “For every hot person, there is someone out there tired of having sex with them.”

All that matters is that you feel attracted to the person, not that you scored the hottest possible person.

Physical attraction can obscure long-term compatibility. Pay attention to whether or not you’re attracted to someone and focus less on how society would evaluate that person’s looks. Don’t prioritize lust over more important long-term factors.

Research tells us that similar personalities are not a predictor of long-term relationship success.

Find someone who complements you, not your personality twin.

One easy way to estimate someone’s loyalty is to see if they have friends from different stages of their lives. How many old friendships have they carried with them over the years? Did they ditch their college bestie when they got depressed, or do they still meet up for monthly movie matinees? Do people from their past seem to rely on them for companionship and support?

explained in a research paper that many consumer items are “searchable goods”: things like cameras, laundry detergent, and big-screen TVs that can be measured based on their objective attributes. These differ from “experience goods,” which they define as being “judged by the feelings they evoke, rather than the functions they perform.

I call this error in judgment the Monet Effect. When we have only a rough perception of someone, our brain, hoping for a great outcome, fills in all the gaps optimistically. People seem way more desirable than they actually are. It’s only later, when they transform into real people standing in front of us, that we see the flaws.

But as soon as you meet that match in person, you realize they have flaws, too, and the cycle continues. This creates a grass-is-always-greener reaction: You always think the next thing will be better than what you have. You’re dooming yourself to an endless cycle of unrealized connections.

You’re focusing on factors that are less important than you think and comparing people in ways that don’t reflect their true potential. But there are ways to use the apps to date smarter.

Just because you know where people have been or where they are now doesn’t mean you know where they’re going.

Go on dates with people whom you don’t necessarily think are a fit. That’s the only way you can figure out what you actually like rather than assuming you already know.

The best way to spark conversation is to be specific. Include quirky things that make you stand out.

Lucky people expect good things to happen. They are open to opportunities and recognize them when they appear. When they looked through the newspaper, they weren’t just looking at the photographs with blinders on; they saw the hint on the second page. People who saw themselves as unlucky tensed up—because they expected the worst—and their anxiety prevented them from noticing unexpected opportunities. A lucky break was staring them in the face in a big bold font, but they couldn’t see it because of their negative outlook. Their mindset became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You’re self-sabotaging if your pre-date mantra sounds something like: “Obviously, this isn’t going to work. It hasn’t worked the last hundred dates.” You have negative-mindset blinders on! You’re adopting the mindset of an “unlucky” who misses life’s clues—in this case, the signs of a potential match.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Instead of trying to be interesting, make the person feel interesting.

What side of me did they bring out? How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between? Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date? Is there something about them I’m curious about? Did they make me laugh? Did I feel heard? Did I feel attractive in their presence? Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?

Ditch the spark and go for the slow burn—someone who may not be particularly charming upon your first meeting but would make a great long-term partner. Slow burns take time to warm up, but they’re worth the wait.

Do not judge others the way you would not want to be judged.

Decide, don’t slide.

Breaking up is a major decision, with major consequences, a decision you might be tempted to delay. But what you don’t realize is that by staying in the relationship, you are already making a decision.

To figure out whether to stay or go, consider your historical tendencies and determine if you’ve given the relationship a fair chance. Get input from someone you trust to help you make your decision. Ask yourself the Wardrobe Test question: If my partner were a piece of clothing in my closet, what would they be?

If you don’t feel as upset as you expected after a relationship ends, don’t be alarmed. You’re not a heartless demon. You did the grieving while still dating, and now you’re ready to move on.

If you were broken up with, your timeline likely started after the relationship ended, so it makes sense that you’ll take longer to heal.

We’re affected by framing—our tendency to evaluate things differently based on how they’re presented. You can speed up your recovery process after a breakup by reframing this experience from a loss to an opportunity for growth and learning.

the hope is that when you reflect back on your life, you’ll see a series of decisions that you made thoughtfully, deliberately.

Either way, it was an adventure, not an accident. You designed your life, you held yourself accountable, you were honest with yourself about who you were and what you wanted, and most important, you course-corrected when you had to. You didn’t live someone else’s idea of life, you lived yours.