How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

by Logan Ury

The dark side of all this freedom and endless choice is the crippling fear that we’ll screw up our lifelong pursuit of happiness. If we’re in charge, then we have only ourselves to blame. We could fail, and then it would be our fault.

We live in an information-rich society that offers the false comfort of research.

Our life, once scripted by culture, religion, and family, is now a blank page. This grants us the freedom to express ourselves more fully. But we’re also burdened by the pressure to get it right. When we are the authors of our own story and that story sucks, we have no one to blame but ourselves. No wonder we can get trapped in analysis paralysis.

But this assumes there is a right answer for whom to marry. And there’s not.

“Maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them. Satisficers make good decisions and end up feeling good.”

That means that by the age of 26.1, he should set a meaningful benchmark from his first 8.1 years of dating—that is, the single best person he’s dated thus far. He should then marry the next person he meets whom he likes more than that benchmark.

While we instinctively prefer reversible decisions to irreversible ones, this flexibility often make us less happy in the long run. We’d rather be able to change our minds—return our new phone, switch our flight to a different day, reply “maybe” to an event. But it turns out, just like the students who could switch their pictures, we’re less committed to choices we think we can reverse, and commitment is crucial for happiness.

The problem is that while securely attached people make up 50 percent of the general population, there are far fewer in the single population. That’s because secure people tend to get snatched up quickly. They’re good at building healthy relationships, so they tend to stay in them. That’s why the dating pool is full of anxious and avoidant daters.

The people I coach often list requirements such as “I need someone who loves to dance.” In that moment, they’re focusing on the fact that they themselves love to dance. Then, because of the focusing illusion, just thinking about it causes them to overestimate its importance.

The combined emotional stability of a couple predicts the satisfaction and stability of their relationship.

Emotionally stable partners are measured in their responses. They take time to thoughtfully respond rather than impulsively react.

A great long-term partner is loyal, kind, and emotionally stable, a person with whom you can grow, make hard decisions, and fight constructively.

While people have always prized certain superficial traits, the apps make us think they’re even more important simply by measuring, presenting, and emphasizing them. University of Chicago professor Chris Hsee writes about a related concept called evaluability: The easier it is to compare certain traits, the more important those traits seem.

Again, it’s not that men actually value thinness in potential life partners above all else—they’re just stuck working with a limited set of comparable qualities.

But dating apps never give you the chance to be proved wrong, because you can weed out people who aren’t your “type.”

Yet dating apps have turned living, breathing, three-dimensional people into two-dimensional, searchable goods. They’ve given us the false belief that we can break people down into their parts and compare them to find the best one.

The more options you have to choose from, the more chances you have to feel regret about your selection. This can even lead to feelings of depression.

Our instinct to avoid conversations with strangers is wrong. We only think we want solitude. We underestimate how much joy social connection can bring.

Go to events. Use the Event Decision Matrix to figure out the most promising ones to attend, based on how likely you are to enjoy the activity and how likely you are to interact with other people.

Play, on the other hand, involves being a present, honest version of yourself—just a little lighter.

That’s because of a phenomenon called the peak-end rule: When assessing an experience, people judge it based largely on how they felt at the most intense moment and at the end. Their memory isn’t an average of their minute-by-minute experiences.

Don’t pursue the wrong relationship because you met the “right” way.

Moving in together makes it harder to be honest with yourself about the quality of the relationship because the cost of separating goes up significantly.

Arguing over whose couch to keep or what neighborhood to live in does not count as planning your future together. Take this moment to be intentional. Confirm that you and your partner are aligned on where the relationship is now and where it’s headed in the future. Decide, don’t slide.

Remember, losses loom larger than gains. Because of loss aversion, we experience twice as much psychological pain from losing that $100 as we experience pleasure from gaining $100.

Often it’s as useful to pay attention to your reaction to the advice as it is to receive the advice itself. How did you feel when they shared their thoughts? Relieved? Panicked? Use this experience to tune in to your own feelings about what to do next.

People who initiate a breakup may have experienced negative feelings about the relationship while still in it, perhaps for a year or more. So, when the breakup actually happens, they don’t need as much time. If you don’t feel as upset as you expected after a relationship ends, don’t be alarmed. You’re not a heartless demon. You did the grieving while still dating, and now you’re ready to move on.

Couples who wait at least three years before engagement are 39 percent less likely to get divorced than those who get engaged before a year.

Because of the ever-changing nature of relationships, we should act as if they are living, breathing things. But too often we treat our relationship like a toaster. We take it out of the box, plug it in, and hope it stays the same.

On the first page of the contract, the couple sets a specific date in the future when they’ll revisit the agreement. On that date, they give each other feedback on how they’re doing. Some couples reevaluate their contract annually. Others do it after five or seven years. This conversation forces a decision point when the couple can ask: What does our relationship need now? Then they’re able to amend the contract to reflect how they’ve changed as individuals.

EXERCISE: Design Your Own Check-In Ritual Sit with your partner and answer these questions together: When do you want to have this weekly ritual? Where do you want your Check-In to take place? Think of a spot where you’re both comfortable. The couch? A favorite bench at a nearby park? What questions do you want to ask each other each week? How can you make this ritual special? For example, could you eat your favorite dessert while answering the questions, or give each other a foot massage? What will you do to check in if you’re not physically together?