Alchemised

by SenLinYu

“Remind Crowther that if the Eternal Flame wants my continued assistance, they will keep you alive.”

“She’s dead,” he said. “You are not. My loyalty was to those least responsible for her suffering, but if the Eternal Flame has decided that you are an affordable casualty, I will not be noble or understanding. I can exact dual revenge. I will make them pay if they get you killed.”

She was so tired. Life had been cold for such a long time.

“You are not expendable. You don’t get to push everyone away so that they’ll feel comfortable using you and letting you die.”

“You made me as expendable as I am now. And you didn’t even want me, either.”

“You are not replaceable,” he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. “You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people. The reason I’m here—the reason I’m doing any of this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.”

He touched her cheek, tilting her face up and kissing her. “Use the ring, call me, if you ever need anything.”

“Marino, what have you done to yourself?”

Kaine was like a furnace, and when she buried herself in his arms, face pressed against his chest, she could scarcely feel the cold dead fingers anymore.

“Do you think this is what my subconscious thinks I want?”

“To run away from the war with you?”

“I want to love someone without feeling like if they know, it’ll end up hurting them. People who love me always die. No matter what I do, it’s never enough to save them. I have to love everyone from a distance, and I’m so lonely.”

me,” he said in a hard, familiar voice. “I can take it. You can stop being lonely. I won’t misunderstand. I know you just want someone to be with.”

“I’m alone, too,” he said.

When he kissed her, it felt like the beginning of something that could be eternal.

If she broke, there would never be anyone to pick up the pieces.

“I think I’ve nearly memorised you,” she said. “Especially your eyes. I think I learned to read them first.”

“I should have known—the moment I looked into your eyes, I should have known I would never win against you.”

“I’ve always thought my eyes were my best feature.” “One of them,” he said quietly.

The temptation to give in, to let him have her, and to love him for it terrified her.

Her need to love people and her desperate longing for them to love her back—she had given that up, locked it away and buried it, giving its place to the coldness of logic, realism, and the necessary choices of war. This could only lead to ruin.

“Don’t worry,” he said quietly. “This won’t complicate anything for you. You wanted someone to be with, and I was available. I know it didn’t mean anything.”

Before she could even begin to invent a lie, something must have shown in her face. Her eyes always betrayed her. Because his expression was withdrawn, and then, in an instant, triumph flashed across his face and he reached for her again.

“You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”

“—I suppose I enjoyed the way you wanted to save me.”

The Resistance has latched on to you like a parasite, and you think it’s all worked out because they’re kind enough to keep you alive while they eat you?”

“When were you even that kind?” He was silent. She looked away. “I’m sorry,” he said after a moment.

“I don’t know why I kept trying. You just had these moments when I could see how little of you was real. When you’d forget to pretend, you always seemed so lonely. And I was lonely, too.” She looked down at the scar in her palm. “I used to think that we were the reverse of each other. Now—” She looked at him and extended her hand. “—I can’t help feeling like we’re mostly the same.”

“You keep people alive. You touch them and your instinct is to save them, no matter who they are or what they’ve done to you. That is not a trait we share. It’s far more difficult than calculating all the ways to kill someone. And it costs you more.”

“Don’t worry. I’m always going to come back to you.”

Helena pretended not to notice as she headed for the gate, but it only made his mood darken. Finally, she stopped. “What is it?” “Don’t go,” he said softly. “You know I have to.” He shook his head. “No, I don’t. They don’t care about you.”

It doesn’t matter how many times you break yourself, the gods don’t care. There’s no reward.

“I want to do good in the world. That was what my father wanted most for me.” She looked down at her hands. “I know most people won’t think I have. I’ve done things now that I don’t think I’m supposed to be forgiven for. But I want to be remembered as someone who tried at least.”

“Be careful, Kaine. Don’t die.”

I think Luc thought it’d be fine because no one cared when it was his dad and Sebastian. But there’s always more rules for us girls, and no one under oath can say that Luc’s not compromised.

“If one person’s actions are enough to damn everyone, then the gods are terrible, and Sol is the worst of all.”

Now, in his absence, she felt herself suffocating.

“Sometimes it was the closest thing to freedom I still had.”

Kaine took her hand. “You can run. Say the word, and I’ll get you out.”

“When the war is over. We’ll run away somewhere no one knows us. We’ll disappear—forever.”

I have something for you, although I hope you won’t need them again.” Wrapped in oilcloth were her daggers. She’d been sure they’d been washed downriver. “How’d you find them?” “I had spares made. It took long enough to find a metallurgist with a resonance for your alloy. I figured a few extra sets might be wise.”

“I hate your hair like that,” he said, startling her. She looked up. “I could crop it instead.” He looked so offended that she laughed.

“I want to see you more.”

“Call me, and I will come.”

She hadn’t expected him to be so obsessively worried. She’d observed his quick arrival at the Outpost, the careful way his eyes would track her, but she hadn’t considered how deep the fear cut into him until he didn’t have to hide it.

She never had and never would heal anyone the way she healed Kaine:

“I promise, Kaine. I’m always going to be yours.”

“Be careful.”

“Don’t die.”

“You’re mine. I’ll always come for you.” He always did.