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His hands slid up around her throat, warm and possessive, thumb covering the scar below her jaw as he kissed between her eyes. “You’re a far better person than I am. This world doesn’t deserve you at all.”
She reached out, her fingers brushing back his hair. “Don’t worry. I’m always going to come back to you.”
“Bennet only cares about the aesthetics when it comes to the chimaeras. He forces things to fit together even when they shouldn’t. The reason the chimaeras are so dangerous is that they’re all rabid with pain. They usually die because the stress kills them. When Amaris arrived, she bit me about fifty times during the first week. You may recall that my back was still in tatters at the time. I nearly snapped her neck after the tenth time, but I thought, I’m in so much pain I’d love to bite someone. Why would it be different for her? She was all puppy then, but legs like a foal. Constantly
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“What were you supposed to do?” he repeated slowly, standing. “You were supposed to stay in Headquarters. You have one job, Marino, and that is to stay alive and intact so that Ferron can have his weekly proof of life. But it seems I have expected too much of your skills of deduction, so let me be crystal-clear: Unless you are liaising, you will not set foot outside of Headquarters ever again. The only reason I am not having you thrown in prison to stand trial for necromancy is because you now exist to keep Ferron in line.”
“If you had listened to me, she’d be alive,” Crowther said, his voice callous. “I upheld my end of the deal; none of this is my fault.” He kicked her. “Now get out of my sight. If Lucien Holdfast had been killed in that ridiculous rescue, I would have blamed you.”
She swallowed hard. “If one person’s actions are enough to damn everyone, then the gods are terrible, and Sol is the worst of all.”
She missed Kaine. Whenever she thought of him, she felt as though a piece of her was missing.
“Would you go now, if you could?” His eyes seemed to ripple with heat. “With you, I would.”
“I thought you said if I ever burned you—” He captured her hand and pulled her close. His other hand slid possessively up her throat, fingers tilting her head back, and he kissed her, long and deep, before he drew away to meet her eyes. “Call me, and I will come.”
Helena would stand in the open-most part of the rooftop, and silent as a wraith, Amaris would drop from the sky, Kaine leaning over and snatching Helena up, and they’d be airborne, riding the wind, climbing over the buildings without being seen. They’d land, and he’d pull her off Amaris, checking her over. “You’re all right? Has anything happened to you?” he’d ask, even though she’d felt his resonance beneath her skin while they were flying, and he knew she wasn’t injured.
He’d entwine their fingers, press their foreheads together, and sometimes his whole body would tremble. She’d wrap her arms around him, trying to reassure him. “I promise, Kaine. I’m always going to be yours.”
“I’m going to take care of you. I swear, Helena, I’m always going to take care of you.” She heard him muttering the words against her skin or into her hair in such a low voice, she could barely make them out. Some days the compulsion seemed worse than others.
“I’d never seen anyone tortured before,” he said at last. “She was—the first person I ever saw tortured. He—” His jaw trembled as he struggled for words. “—they experimented on her. Even though she wasn’t even—she hadn’t done anything.”
His voice grew deadened. “If I hadn’t gone home that night…she wouldn’t have died. I don’t know why I did.”
“If we really wanted to completely erase it, I think it would have to be internal,” she said. “If the nullium were encased in ceramic, that would prevent the corrosion and biointerference. If you put a thin tube of it right through the wrist here”—she pressed her fingers against the space between the radius and ulna—“the cuff could slot around a suppression spike and alchemically lock in place. I bet there wouldn’t be any resonance then.”
On the long nights, Amaris would curl up behind Helena, nuzzling at Kaine’s limp hands. Helena would sit, tracing her fingers along Kaine’s face, following his every heartbeat and promising, “I’m going to take care of you. I promise, I’m always going to take care of you.”
Helena’s cheeks were burning, but her stomach had a gnawing pit inside it. “Well, they did. Maier did it. Ligature, same week I got back. It was—it was one of the Falcon’s conditions. So, like I said, not pregnant.”
“I feel pretty alive right now,” Helena said through gritted teeth. “And I’m fine.” “Being alive is not the same as living. I hope someday you’ll have a chance to realise the difference.”
“Oh yes. Kestrel Jan often came to see us whenever someone misbehaved at the orphanage. Always brought a pet along, someone with a long leash whom we could aspire to become like as long as we’d do anything he asked. I’m surprised, though. They’re usually younger.” Her eyes flicked over Helena.
Mandl’s eyes lost focus. Her mind and body were in direct conflict, and it was impossible for her to struggle as Helena slipped into her memories.
“Don’t defend them!” Kaine looked feral with rage. “Do you have any idea how close you came to dying? It took an entire medical team to keep you alive. Why would they leave you alone in that fucking hospital if they weren’t trying to kill you?”
He stared at her for a long terrible moment, the rage stark on his face. “Well, you should.” He was suddenly ice-cold, and his eyes gleamed so silver that they were almost white. “Because I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the entire Order of the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat, it’s a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them. Given that the risk to their lives is the only way to make you value your own.”
Her jaw trembled. “No. I wouldn’t—” Her throat grew thick. She struggled to swallow, unable to lift her head. “But it wouldn’t be the first unforgivable thing I’ve done. What’s one more line for the history books?”
She couldn’t imagine herself without him. She didn’t think she’d even exist anymore.
She managed to turn her head a little. “There is a life for you on the other side of this war. You have the Stone. If Morrough dies, you might be fine, and you’d be free. You could do—all sorts of things. Don’t reduce your world to me.”
“You should. You have a talent for it—although your bedside manner is terrible.”
“What are you doing?” she asked after watching for a little while. His eyes flicked up. “Studying human anatomy for my future career as a healer,” he said in a dry voice.
“I have a better healer.”
“Well.” He met her eyes. “I don’t see you that way, either. You’re mine.” He let go of her wrist and lifted his hand, the fingertips tracing the scarring until it was covered by his palm, warm against her bare skin, then sliding up to curve around her neck. “You are. It doesn’t matter what happens to you, you will still be mine.”
I love you. It was right at the tip of her tongue, but she hesitated, biting the words back. There was a part of her that felt she might doom them if she said it. If there were important things left unspoken, tomorrow would come. She kissed him instead. I love you. She told him in the way she held him close; in the way her mouth met his; in how her hands trailed across his skin, mapping him, memorising every detail of what it was to be with him, his scars under her fingers. I love you. I love you. She told him in the way she let go of herself and held on to him instead. With every beat of her
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Helena’s mouth twisted in a bitter smile. “I’m not, though, am I? You said it yourself: I am an exceptional asset. Why else would you and Ilva spend so much time manipulating me? Always been so quick to take advantage of what I can do while treating it like it’s of no use to anyone. By all means, replace me if you can.”
“I know—” Her voice broke. “Don’t die, Kaine. You can’t leave me behind.”
“Mine. You’re mine,” he said as he kissed her. “Always.”
He glared at her. “I found you after a bombing. I had to watch them cut you open, trying to get the shrapnel out. You nearly died so many times on the operating table, I lost count. If you’d been an inch closer to the blast, that shrapnel would have gone through your heart. You want me to set a bomb, I will do it, but you will not touch it. Do you understand?”
Someday, she promised herself, someday I am going to love him in a moment that isn’t stolen.
His fingers curled around the back of her neck, pulling her close until their faces were nearly touching. “You’re mine,” he said almost against her lips. “Mine. You swore it. Your Resistance sold you to me. I’m not going anywhere without you. And if anyone touches you, immortal or not, I will kill them.” He didn’t wait for a reply; he kissed her as though his lips were a brand on hers.
Morrough had captured Luc but hadn’t killed him, and they’d thought it was only because they’d arrived in time.
She looked away. “You know, I was in one of the field hospitals during the massacre. When the liches infiltrated using living bodies. Apparently, a living body won’t accept another soul; it’s like an infection, the body tries to burn it out. That’s why they came in sick with brain fevers, screaming and clawing at themselves, saying, ‘Get him out,’ until they died.”
Luc laughed. It was the timbre and note she’d heard a thousand times over the years, but the malice and mockery in it were all new. “I am Morrough.”
Helena had never been inside Luc’s consciousness, but she knew from her interrogation work that a mind was like a home. It had the feeling of the person. Luc’s mind was like walking into a house and finding the walls covered in blood and torn apart. A parasite had grown through his consciousness and fed on every glimmer of the person who should be there. Cetus had cannibalised Luc, wearing him like a skin.
“She won’t leave if you’re dead, either. You’ll come with us. We’ll all go. I’ll heal you, and then—” Luc swallowed hard. “She has another—another Holdfast to protect. Not me—anymore.”
“Never did see Etras…” he said, his voice faint. “Sorry. Promised I’d—take you back.” “It’s all right,” she said. “Will you—take care of Lila? And the baby?” She nodded. “Don’t tell Lila—” “I won’t.” His hand trembled in hers. “Promise…?” She swallowed hard. “I promise.” He said nothing else. When she looked up, his eyes were unseeing, the dawn reflecting in the empty blue.
“The war is over,” he said. “The Undying have taken the city, including your Headquarters. The remaining Resistance factions are cornered; if they don’t surrender, they’ll be buried in rubble by the day’s end.”
“What?” She tried again, shaking her head. “You—you what?” She was certain she was misunderstanding him, but it was there in his eyes. He was saying goodbye to her. She shook her head again. “No.”
He jerked her back, his expression set. “You’re leaving, remember? That was the deal you made, Marino. I met the terms.”
His expression softened as she stopped struggling. “We had a good run, but we were never going to last.” His fingers slipped a loose curl behind her ear before his hand drifted down to rest briefly at the base of her throat. “You knew that.”
“If you die, who’s going to stop Morrough?” Her voice was dull. His expression turned cold. “He can have Paladia for all I care. If the Eternal Flame wanted to win, they should have made better choices. They all knew the risks, but that was never enough incentive for them. They refused to pay the price that victory demands, and I am sick of watching you try to pay it for them.”
“You gave your word.” Helena met his eyes. “You know I will always choose the Eternal Flame first.”
“If you force me to leave without speaking to Shiseo, the last thing you will ever do is betray me and everyone I love. A traitor is all you’ll be to me, but if you let me do this, maybe—someday I’ll be able to forgive you.”
“Take care, Shiseo,” she said. She started to turn, then paused. “If I don’t come back—if you ever see Kaine, tell him—tell him that I—” Her head dropped down, and she quickly brushed her fingertips across her cheeks. She cleared her voice and shook her head. “Never mind. I imagine he knows.”
