Alchemised

by SenLinYu

“You’re mine. I’ll always come for you.”

“I’m going to take care of you. I swear, I’m always going to take care of you.”

“I’m going to take care of you. I promise, I’m always going to take care of you.”

“Being alive is not the same as living. I hope someday you’ll have a chance to realise the difference.”

“Because I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the entire Order of the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat, it’s a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them. Given that the risk to their lives is the only way to make you value your own.”

“Just live, Helena.” His voice was shaking. “That’s all I’m asking you to do for me.”

“I don’t want you to kill people because of me.”

“What exactly is it that you think I do with all my time? I kill people. I order other people to kill people. I train people to kill people. I sabotage and undermine people so that they will be killed, and I do it all because of you. Every word. Every life. Because of you.”

“If you die, Helena, I’m done. I won’t continue this. I’m tired.”

“I mean it. I won’t kill them—but I will be done. You are my terms of service. The contract is void if you die.”

“I think your scars are prettier than mine,” she finally said. “I have a better healer.”

You’re mine.”

“You are. It doesn’t matter what happens to you, you will still be mine.”

I love you.

I love you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you.

“Be careful,” she whispered. “Don’t die.”

“Don’t die.”

“What’s wrong?” he finally asked. Everything. “Nothing,” she said. “I think I forgot to breathe after you left.”

“Don’t die, Kaine. You can’t leave me behind.”

“Mine. You’re mine,” he said as he kissed her. “Always.”

Someday, she promised herself, someday I am going to love him in a moment that isn’t stolen.

I’m going to take care of you. I’m always going to take care of you.

“You’re mine,” he said almost against her lips. “Mine. You swore it. Your Resistance sold you to me. I’m not going anywhere without you. And if anyone touches you, immortal or not, I will kill them.”

“I died months ago, Hel—”

“This whole war was just two brothers fighting over who gets to play god?”

It would be everything he’d feared. If they found him in her memory. If. She had to push him away, like she had pushed away the memory of— Soren.

Hold on. You promised you wouldn’t break.

“Be careful. Don’t die.”

“You didn’t save me,” he said when he was finally capable of speech. “You just put us in hell for two years.”

“You shouldn’t have assumed I’d be willing to lose you,” she said. “Did you think I cared less because I had other obligations? That I don’t feel things as much as you? I did everything I could to keep you safe. You don’t know all the things I did.”

“Be careful,” she said. “Don’t—” The word caught in her throat. She squeezed his hand. “Come back to me, all right?” “I will.”

“I am,” she said. “And I want you to know. If I didn’t, I’d wonder about everything. If our baby would get your eyes or mine. What kind of resonance they’d have. If they’d have any, or if they’d just get to be ordinary.” She was speaking quickly, because her throat was growing thick. “I’d wonder if they’d have hair like mine or if it would be straight like yours. If I have to go without you—if you—if you die—I’d want to tell them all about you.” She swallowed hard. “I’ve never gotten to tell anyone about you. I’d want someone to know what you were like.”

“Kaine…” She reached towards him. “You’re not a monster. You didn’t have any choice. Neither of us—we were both raped.”

“You’re mine,” she said, heart pounding unsteadily against her ribs. “Did you really think I would still hate you once I remembered?” She shook her head. “Even before I did, you were the only thing that ever felt safe. I thought I was going mad, but a part of me always knew you. I left a note. Didn’t you get my note? I love you.”

“I do,” she said more firmly, her voice shaking with intensity. “I love you. And I always will. Always.”

“I’m sorry—I’m sorry—I’m so sorry for everything I did to you,” he said, his voice hoarse and broken. “I love you. You left, and I’d never told you.”

“My mother’s name was Enid.” Helena nodded. She remembered that. He looked towards the garden, fingers curling into a fist. “I always liked that name.”

“I don’t want to choose. I always have to choose, and I never get to choose you. I’m so tired of not getting to choose you.”

“You’re not choosing. You promised me anything I wanted. I want you to stop breaking yourself trying to save me. Go. Live. Tell our daughter I saved you both. That—is what I want.”

“Helena, I’m tired.”

“But…I want to save you back.” “I know.” He said it gently. “And if anyone could, it would be you. But I would like to say goodbye to you before you’re gone, and you are losing yourself in this.”

“I used to have so many dreams for us,” she said, voice thickening. “When I’d worry about you, when I’d do things I didn’t want to, when the war felt so heavy that I was sure I’d break under it, I’d tell myself: Someday you’re going to run away with him. Somewhere quiet. You won’t ask for very much, just you and him, and that will be enough.” A lump welled up in her throat, and she shook her head. “That was all I wanted. It was my whole dream, to see what we could be away from the war. I thought it would all be worth it for that.”

I thought that we could suffer enough to earn each other.”

“I’m going to take care of you,” she whispered. “It’s—our way.”

“This will work,” she said. “I promise. I’m going to save you.”

“Don’t die, Kaine,”

“Helena—Helena, breathe. Look at me. I’m going to be careful. I’m not going to let anything take me from you.”

“Helena, look at you. You have broken yourself into pieces, over and over, because of me, and you don’t seem to understand that it kills me. Living is not worth it to me if you’re the one who keeps paying the price for it. Let me fix what I can.”

“We have to stop hurting ourselves for each other,” she finally said. “Both of us. We’re not going to last if this is the only way we know how to love.”

“We said always, didn’t we?” she asked, her voice strained. “Always. Well, if you don’t want that promise in full any longer, I’ll give it to you in increments.” She clutched his hand tighter. “Every day. I’ll choose you. That way you’ll know it’s still what I want.”