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Why was everyone so happy?
Yeah why
She looked at him and realised that she was being forced to choose. Luc or Kaine? She could only save one. She had to choose Luc, but it was going to kill her to do it.
“When this is all over, I don’t want you to think of us as friends anymore. I think it will be better that way for both of us.” “Why?” He looked horrified. “Because I’m not your friend anymore. Your friend Helena Marino died in a field hospital six years ago. She doesn’t exist anymore. I need you to let her go.”
“I’m afraid that someday I’ll come, and you—you won’t be here.”
“You always have to come back,” she said. “All right? Don’t die. Promise—” Her voice failed. “Marino, what’s wrong?” He tried to step back, but she wouldn’t let go. “Nothing! I just spent a lot of time making that medical kit for you, and I did spend an hour teaching you how t-to use it, so—I think it would be really ungrateful if you—d-died.” He gave a hollow laugh and stepped closer so that his chin grazed the top of her head. His sigh was almost despairing. “All right…” he said, “but only because you asked.”
Don’t trust me. Don’t trust the Eternal Flame. We’re all liars.
“I thought you’d do anything for Holdfast.” He was pacing the room. “The price keeps getting higher,” she said quietly. “I don’t know if I can keep paying it.”
She wasn’t imagining it. It was there, just below the surface. There was a want in him that practically shone in his eyes. But he refused to give in. Whenever she tried to beckon, to tempt him across the line he’d drawn, his malice surfaced, vicious as a serrated blade.
That bitterness in his eyes—she finally understood it. He had been waiting for her betrayal.
She leaned closer, her hand sliding up from his chest to his shoulder to pull him forward and kiss him. It was not a slow, sweet kiss. It was not a kiss caused by alcohol or insecurity. It was born of rage, despair, and desire so hot, it threatened to burn her into oblivion. It was possibly a kiss goodbye. She wanted him to know. It was real. For her, it had always been real.
“But the Eternal Flame’s noble families are too precious, I had to want someone they’d consider disposable, and Crowther was standing there, waiting for an answer. I had to come up with something. I remembered your name, on the exam lists. When I said Helena Marino, Crowther got this look in his eyes, and I knew he’d taken the bait.” He sneered. “As if I would betray the High Necromancer for you. I knew they’d send you with instructions to try to play up the obsession I was supposed to have—to ensure I wouldn’t get bored or change my mind—but I wasn’t worried. You were no one, just an awkward
...more
Liar!!
“But you—you—” He shook his head. “It doesn’t really matter. You outmanoeuvred me. Or maybe I’m just too tired and grieving to keep pushing you away. You won.” He met her eyes for a moment, his expression bitter and derisive. “Well done.”
“You sold yourself to save the person you care about. Well, so did I. What was I supposed to do, fail to kill Principate Apollo knowing I wouldn’t be the one who’d suffer for it? This”—he gestured towards himself—“this was how I proved I’d be loyal, how I got him t—” His breath caught. “—to stop hurting her.”
:(((( he was just a boy
“I thought she’d be in bed when I got back, but she’d waited up for me. She was by the door, and when she saw me, she started screaming. I kept trying to tell her that it would heal, but she kept saying it was all her fault, and her heart stopped, and I—couldn’t—”
I'm not crying! Something in my eyes
“I can’t—I can’t do this again—” he finally gasped out. “I can’t care for someone again. I can’t take it.”
She was apologising for everything. For the first time, Kaine Ferron was fully human to her. She’d slipped through his walls and peeled away the defensive layers of malice and cruelty, and found that there he carried a broken heart.
“What do they want?” His voice was almost a whisper. She looked back. “What?” “Is it—actual crawling? Or was there something more constructive Ilva had in mind?” Her throat closed. “I—I’d have to ask.” “Find out. I’ll do it.”
He loves her so much
“Kaine, I—” “Don’t—use my name. I hate the way it sounds on your tongue.”
No you love it
“Remind Crowther that if the Eternal Flame wants my continued assistance, they will keep you alive.”
“She’s dead,” he said. “You are not. My loyalty was to those least responsible for her suffering, but if the Eternal Flame has decided that you are an affordable casualty, I will not be noble or understanding. I can exact dual revenge. I will make them pay if they get you killed.”
“You are not expendable. You don’t get to push everyone away so that they’ll feel comfortable using you and letting you die.”
“You are not replaceable,” he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. “You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people. The reason I’m here—the reason I’m doing any of this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.” She shook her head, giving a broken sob and—before she let herself think—she kissed him.
Kaine cradled her face in his hands as he returned her kiss, pulling her closer, his arms wrapping around her. She was half crying as she kissed him, tracing her fingers along his face and under the curve of his jaw, trying to memorise every detail: his pulse under her fingertips, his lips pressed against hers. The taste of him. Her eyes fluttered shut, trying to savour it all. This one moment. She could have this. She’d earned it.
“Use the ring, call me, if you ever need anything.”
Remember when you told her never to call you using the ring? Feels like long time ago
Helena said nothing. Soren’s death felt like a wound too deep to even wrap her mind around. She didn’t think she could even say his name without choking.
And that's why you don't want to remember him
“I don’t want to always be alone,” she said. It was easier to be honest in the dark. “I want to love someone without feeling like if they know, it’ll end up hurting them. People who love me always die. No matter what I do, it’s never enough to save them. I have to love everyone from a distance, and I’m so lonely.”
“I don’t get to care about you.” Her chest clenched, fingers curling into fists. “If I care about you—I won’t be able to use you. And you’re the only hope I have of keeping everyone else alive.”
“Then use me,”
“No! No, I can’t.” She shook her head. Wake up, Helena. “I don’t want to do that to you. You don’t—deserve that. I can take care of myself.”
“You don’t have to push me away to protect me,” he said in a hard, familiar voice. “I can take it. You can stop being lonely. I won’t misunderstand. I know you just want someone to be with.”
He didn’t let go. “Helena…” She stilled at her name. “I’m alone, too,” he said. A lump rose in her throat, her heart pounding. “But I don’t want to hurt you, you don’t deserve—”
“This—is the way I wanted it to be,” she admitted. “With you. I wanted it to be like this with you.” He went very still. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry it wasn’t,”
“Helena.” Kaine’s lips brushed across her cheek and temple, his breath ragged. “You get to have this. You’re allowed to feel good things. Don’t be alone. Have this with me.”
“I think I’ve nearly memorised you,” she said. “Especially your eyes. I think I learned to read them first.”
“I memorised yours, too,” he said after a moment, and then sighed, looking away. “I should have known—the moment I looked into your eyes, I should have known I would never win against you.”
“I’ve always thought my eyes were my best feature.” “One of them,” he said quietly.
She was tangled in juniper-scented sheets and wrapped up in Kaine’s arms,
“This was a mistake,” she said. “I shouldn’t have come here.” His throat dipped as he looked away. “Don’t worry,” he said quietly. “This won’t complicate anything for you. You wanted someone to be with, and I was available. I know it didn’t mean anything.”
“You’re mine,”
“You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”
“I spent such a long time waiting to be betrayed, I didn’t want to care when it happened. I was trying to hurt you, but I am so sorry that I did.”
“I used to think that we were the reverse of each other. Now—” She looked at him and extended her hand. “—I can’t help feeling like we’re mostly the same.”
“Don’t worry. I’m always going to come back to you.”
“What is it?” “Don’t go,” he said softly. “You know I have to.” He shook his head. “No, I don’t. They don’t care about you.”
“Be careful, Kaine. Don’t die.”
“Penny, if I thought we’d all die, I wouldn’t be so afraid of losing. What they’ll do to us if we lose will be far worse than death.” She shook her head. “There will be nothing purifying about it.”
“Call me, and I will come.”
“You’re mine. You’re mine.” He’d repeat the words over and over. “Say it. Say you’re mine.”
“I promise, Kaine. I’m always going to be yours.”
“Be careful.” It was always the last thing she said to him before he left her on some rooftop. She would hold his face in her hands, staring into his eyes. “Don’t die.”
