Alchemised

by SenLinYu

“When I specified willing, that meant you were allowed to say no. Although, perhaps try saying it next time, instead of provoking me.”

Now she couldn’t help but feel that there was something terribly tragic about him, straining beneath the surface.

“You exist, Marino. I think that’s reason enough.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,”

They are obsessive about what they regard to be theirs. You do this and Kaine Ferron will never let you go, and he will not be content with being secondary to anyone.

She couldn’t fix herself anymore, and no one else seemed inclined to even notice she was breaking.

He smiled. The first real smile she’d ever seen from him.

He stilled, eyes instantly opening, and reached towards her. “Don’t go.”

“You’re like a rose in a graveyard,” he said, and his lips twisted into a bitter smile. “I wonder what you could have turned into without the

“Will you take your hair down? I want to see it.”

He looked at her like he saw her.

She ran a hand along his jaw, and when her palm grazed his cheek, he pressed his face into it, eyes fluttering shut, a breath escaping him, as if he were starved of touch.

“You made me feel like the parts of me that aren’t useful still deserve to exist. Like I’m not just all the things I can do.”

Helena had sabotaged herself because it wasn’t real and she’d wished it was.

“What the fuck, Ferron?” “Ah, back to surnames, I see,”

“Fuck off, Marino.” His voice was deadly soft. “I’m not your pet. I don’t need you.”

Calculating, Cunning, Devoted, Determined, Ruthless, Unfailing, Unhesitating, and Unyielding.

“And what would your dear Luc say if he learned how you let his father’s killer buy you like a whore?”

What a grotesque and pathetic creature she was. Property. No, not even that.

Sometimes she wished she’d died in the hospital with her father, to be remembered and mourned for her possibilities, rather than live day by day growing ever lesser. Now it didn’t matter if she’d been an alchemist, or a healer, or anything else. To anyone who ever learned of it, she would only be that one thing. Women were always defined by the lowliest thing they could be called.

But worse still was knowing all that and still craving those rare moments in which he was gentle. Because that was all she had left.

Nothing and no one would ever convince her that anything noble or purifying could come from this scale of suffering. That any rewards could ever be worth it.

“All right…” he said, “but only because you asked.”

“I’m tired of this war. I’m tired of trying to save people and watching them die anyway, or saving them only to watch them die later—in a worse way. It’s the same cycle, over and over. I don’t know how to get out, and I don’t know how to keep going, either.”

He was always cruellest when he was vulnerable.

She wanted him to know. It was real. For her, it had always been real.

“I—” His voice failed him. “I—I would have been gentler—if I’d known.”

It was fine, though. He was alive. Every week she got to see him and know he was alive.

How nice it must be, to be a god.

“So forgive me if I dislike looking at you. I’m still adjusting to the ways these new ones chafe.”

“Remind Crowther that if the Eternal Flame wants my continued assistance, they will keep you alive.”

“You are not replaceable,” he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. “You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people. The reason I’m here—the reason I’m doing any of this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.”

He touched her cheek, tilting her face up and kissing her. “Use the ring, call me, if you ever need anything.”

“I want to love someone without feeling like if they know, it’ll end up hurting them. People who love me always die. No matter what I do, it’s never enough to save them. I have to love everyone from a distance, and I’m so lonely.”

“Then use me,”

“You don’t have to push me away to protect me,” he said in a hard, familiar voice. “I can take it. You can stop being lonely. I won’t misunderstand. I know you just want someone to be with.”

“Yes, it does. Let me give you this now.”

When he kissed her, it felt like the beginning of something that could be eternal.

“I’m sorry.” His hand still entwined with hers tightened. “I’m so sorry. I ruined so much of this for you. This is how it’s supposed to be. Let me give this to you now.”

“You get to have this. You’re allowed to feel good things. Don’t be alone. Have this with me.”

Afterwards he held her close, not letting go.

“I’ve always thought my eyes were my best feature.” “One of them,” he said quietly.

“You’re mine,”

He was exacting. Determined to prove to her that this was where she belonged, to ensure that she could never deny what he made her feel.

“You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”

She was locked in the dangerous embrace of Kaine Ferron, and it felt like home.

Helena suddenly found the thread count of the sheets fascinating.

“I have to go back.” He didn’t let go.

“Don’t worry. I’m always going to come back to you.”

“Don’t go,” he said softly.