Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

by Meg Josephson

Another important component of repair—and of soothing the fawn response in general—is knowing the difference between reassurance and validation.

Seeking reassurance means asking the other person to extinguish your fear. “No, I’m not mad at you! Everything is fine!” Phew. It provides fleeting relief, but it doesn’t address or acknowledge the challenging emotions. Reassurance seeking comes from a habitual, compulsive place, where you feel almost as if you’re vomiting words and questions out of urgency, such as repeatedly asking if your partner still loves you or if everything is okay.

No amount of reassurance would heal the deeper wound.

Receiving validation is having your feelings and experiences acknowledged and getting confirmation that what you’re feeling is legitimate. It’s integral to repair. Unlike looking for reassurance, which is to alleviate anxiety, the goal of seeking validation is to be heard, to feel understood and accepted, and to know that your emotions are recognized.

Excessive reassurance seeking can really put a strain on relationships because of its repetitive nature and the burden and pressure it places on others. On the flip side, pausing and letting someone in on what’s happening emotionally for you can strengthen a relationship by letting the other person into your inner experience and making them aware of your deepest needs.

For many of us, the need for reassurance, or even validation, can feel insatiable because we’ve learned to block any nourishment or care, even if it’s what we’re wanting and asking for.

Before You Ask, “Are You Mad at Me?” When we react, there’s no pause between the trigger and what we say or do. Our reactions are instant and they’re driven by our fears, beliefs, biases, and past experiences. If there’s a perceived distance in a relationship and it activates the part of you that fears that the other person is upset with you, ask yourself these questions: Is the story I’m telling myself absolutely true? Is this different from the other person’s usual behavior, or is it consistent with how they communicate? Could there be other reasons for the other person’s perceived distance (their work is stressful, they’re overwhelmed, they’re in the honeymoon stage of a new romantic relationship, they’re going through a breakup)? Are you expecting this person to be a version of themselves that they no longer are? Are you clinging to a past version of the relationship? Does something need to be addressed within the relationship?

The discomfort of having direct conversations is temporary, but resentment festers and keeps us stuck in endless conflict with ourselves.

When you’re trying to decide whether it’s even worth it to have an uncomfortable conversation—like with a parent who won’t hear you or an ex who’s stuck in their defensiveness—shift the focus to have it be for you.

Boundaries Come in Many Flavors Time Financial Energetic Physical/body Sexual Intellectual Spiritual/religious Material (belongings)

Nice Versus Compassionate

In Compassion-Focused Therapy, derived from Buddhism, “compassion” is defined as “a sensitivity to suffering of self and others, with a commitment to try to alleviate it and prevent it.”1 It’s about alleviating long-term suffering, which may require facing uncomfortable situations in the short term. Niceness is about how you’re being perceived—it’s doing something for the sake of being seen as good. Compassion isn’t about being liked; it’s about being connected to ourselves, because we can’t be compassionate to others if we’re not also being compassionate to ourselves. We’re not being compassionate if we’re abandoning ourselves in the process.

Boundaries acknowledge our anger and resentment in a productive way, redirecting these challenging emotions that usually go inward and putting them toward something that’s supportive. Compassion can mean saying no, being firm, being fierce, being honest.

True Empathy Requires Boundaries

The purpose of setting a boundary is to feel more peace within ourselves—not to avoid conflict with other people, and not to exert control over others.