Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You

by Meg Josephson

I was no longer anticipating my dad’s mood swings, but I was now anticipating getting fired anytime my boss messaged me.

I was no longer analyzing the cadence of my dad’s speech to see if he had been drinking, but I was now analyzing what it could mean when my friend texted with a period at the end of the sentence instead of an exclamation point.

When our bodies are so used to that intense amount of communication and then it’s reduced in any way, this can easily send the part of ourselves that is focused on survival into a spiral.

People-pleasing is the behavior we engage in when we fear that we’re disappointing someone, that we’re in trouble, that we feel unsafe in some way. It’s the behavior that falsely soothes the queasy feeling that we’ve done something wrong.

Because once we stop focusing so much on what others think, we can remember who we are.

All these stress responses are useful, adaptive, and necessary—but we’re supposed to be in them for only a few minutes or hours at a time, not for years on end. Yet for so many, a chronic fawn response is as natural as breathing.

We can’t be connected to others if we’re not connected to ourselves.

We learn that the other person’s comfort is more important than our own, that we can’t feel okay until the other person is okay. We learn that, in order for us to feel safe, we need to keep the peace, whatever it takes. And as a result, we’re disconnected from questions such as What do I need? What do I think? What do I want?

Compassion is about authenticity, doing something because it feels good to be kind. It’s not compassionate if we’re constantly abandoning ourselves in our relationships.

This hypervigilance carries over into emotional monitoring, which means we’re constantly scanning other people’s emotional states to gauge what they may be feeling so that we can adapt.

When we’re often left to feel unsafe, unheard, unloved, or unseen by those who are supposed to make us feel safe, the effect is called complex trauma.

The Peacekeeper believes: It’s easier to shove my emotions down than to risk upsetting the other person. I need to prove to other people that I’m good because I fear that I’m bad. When people are in a bad mood, it’s my fault. I shape-shift depending on what others are feeling.

The Caretaker believes: I thought that if I cared enough for them, they’d eventually care about me. I need to manage other people’s emotions so that I can feel okay. Other people’s needs are more important than my own. My value is in being helpful and taking care of others.

The Lone Wolf believes: Love should feel really hard to get. I avoid conflict by never allowing myself to get close to people. It’s unsafe to let people really get to know me.

The Chameleon believes: I must blend in and make myself small to be safe. I’m not allowed to say no. I don’t know who I am or what I want. Being seen or perceived is dangerous.

Childhood memory is weird: even if you grew up in a safe, stable, and loving environment, you’re not going to remember all of your childhood because your brain was still developing then. But if you experienced trauma, whether it was a big singular event or daily smaller events, your memory will be even spottier.

Research has shown that trauma leads our brains to block out memories, even whole periods of time, as a way to protect us from the emotional pain associated with those memories and times.2 Do I not remember because of that, or because I was just a kid? It’s confusing. When I first went to therapy, I thought that if I didn’t remember it, I couldn’t heal from it. That is entirely untrue.

Constantly worrying what people think of you, if they like you, if they’re mad at you Overextending yourself, not setting boundaries (and then feeling resentful) Avoiding conflict at all costs Constantly fearing getting in trouble or being seen as “bad” Constantly fearing that you are bad and you’re just fooling everyone Constantly seeking external approval or validation Silencing your needs for the comfort and happiness of everyone else Feeling hypervigilant of people’s emotions and moods Overexplaining yourself as an attempt to feel heard or understood Feeling like everything is your fault, and then overapologizing Being indecisive because you don’t want to disappoint anyone or because you genuinely don’t know what you like or prefer Not trusting yourself to make decisions Having trouble identifying your needs and speaking up about them Never feeling good enough; feeling unworthy of your accomplishments Constantly feeling like you’re “performing” and trying to impress others and prove yourself to them Feeling like you’re a chameleon in relationships

Fawning, at its core, is what we learn to do to avoid being abandoned or rejected and to maximize feelings of love and safety.

FAMILIAR = SAFE

Does this feel uncomfortable because it’s unsafe, or is it just unfamiliar?

Grief isn’t just about losing someone when they pass; it’s also about what you didn’t have.

Many clients come to therapy with an urgency to “fix” themselves and get rid of the loud, anxious inner voice. (For the record, I was also that client.)

The most important aspect of your healing is your own awareness. It’s realizing that you aren’t the voice inside your mind; you’re the one who notices it.

This voice in our heads is often scared and is bringing past experiences into the present moment.

The experience of what we’re feeling is real, but the thoughts surrounding those feelings aren’t always true.

People-pleasing is an unconscious way of trying to feel a false sense of control (with emphasis on “unconscious”—remember that fawning is an adaptive survival mechanism). It’s when we can be aware that we’re fawning that we can begin to break out of the pattern. People-pleasing makes us feel safe by allowing us to feel in control of the narrative, of people’s perceptions—all to avoid our own discomfort, to avoid our own emotions, which feel scary to sit with.

Being present doesn’t mean feeling good all the time. I repeat: Being present doesn’t always equal feeling good.

Be Nicer to Yourself NICER (Notice, Invite, Curiosity, Embrace, and Return) is a tool to keep in your pocket to help you in moments of anxious panic.

I first notice (N) what’s happening internally. I’m noticing that I’m overthinking, and I’m noticing that I’m feeling guilt and anxiety. I then invite (I) this experience to be here. I allow it to exist without immediately trying to fix it or change it. I silently say to myself, This is allowed to be here. This is okay. I notice a little discomfort in allowing the experience to stay, and that’s just noticed, too. I then bring in some curiosity (C), as if I’m gathering field notes on my mind and body. What part of me has been activated? What is it that I’m feeling? Can I put a label on this experience? Yes, this is guilt. Mixed with some anxiety. That’s what this is. I’m feeling like a bad friend. Am I noticing bodily sensations that go with these feelings? Mmmm, tightness in the chest, and my throat feels clenched. I then embrace (E) this part of me as if I were wrapping it in a blanket. I see you, protective part. Thank you for trying to help me. It’s okay that this feeling is here. I’m safe. This is okay. Then I return (R) to what’s real and true right now: the sensation of my breath, any sounds in the room, the feeling of my feet on the ground. By returning to tangible things that are real and true right now, in this moment, I’m pulling my focus back into the present.

Now that you’ve seen NICER in practice, let’s look at how you can use it in your everyday life when you’re caught up in overthinking. NOTICE. Notice that your mind started anxiously spiraling. Notice that you got lost in an imaginary conversation. Notice that you just took a one-way trip to a worst-case scenario. That’s it, just notice that your mind went there. No need to add an extra layer of self-judgment for having the thought. Just notice that your mind was thinking. INVITE. Invite this inner experience to stay just for a second like an old friend; allow it to exist. This isn’t to say that you’re clinging to the thought; rather, you’re just not resisting it or shoving it away. It’s okay that this is here. Nothing is wrong with me for thinking or feeling this. This is just what’s happening now, and it’s impermanent. Or even more simply, you can say to yourself, Just this. CURIOSITY. Allow curiosity in. Be the observer of your own body and mind. Not in an overthinking, overintellectualizing way but in a grounded, clear manner. Is this thought true? What emotion is this? What bodily sensations am I experiencing right now? Are these sensations pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral? EMBRACE. Embrace this protective part of you, this inner voice, with warmth and understanding. The mind’s tendency is to make us judge ourselves for having an anxious thought (Why am I like this? When will this go away?). We’re working on relating to our inner experience with a bit more compassion. ...

ELONGATE THE EXHALE. Make your exhale longer than your inhale (like breathing in for a count of 4, breathing out for 6). This stimulates the vagus nerve and immediately activates the parasympathetic nervous system. 5 4 3 2 1. Ground yourself in your current environment. Look around and name five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. I SPY. Gaze around your environment and notice everything that’s green—or any other color. (Or notice things that look smooth or bumpy or that are moving.) You may also incorporate movement into this practice by going on a color walk. Choose a color to focus on and look for that color during your walk. You’ll notice how quickly your brain starts to find it. This is a simple way to anchor yourself in the present moment when your thoughts are extra chatty. HUM. Close your mouth, relax your jaw, inhale through your nose, and exhale through your nose, making a sound with your vocal cords. Your voice will create a soft buzzing sound, and this vibration stimulates your vagus nerve. The same is true for singing or chanting, because the larynx, or the voice box, is connected to the vagus nerve. BE IN NATURE. It almost feels clichéd to say this because so much research shows the grounding effect of immersing ourselves in nature—yet we don’t even need research to know that. We feel it. Since our bodies are part of nature, by spending time in nature we’re really just...

Not taking things personally doesn’t mean that we’re stuck in our ways, that nothing we do is wrong and we are perfect and nothing has to change. But we can acknowledge that a pattern or behavior doesn’t feel good and seek to alter that pattern or behavior without self-loathing. We can work toward self-improvement without shaming parts of ourselves for it.

NOTHING IS PERSONAL

People aren’t thinking about you as much as you may believe.

Each person I pass on the street has their own ambitions, worries, friends, crushes, favorite foods, and pet peeves. And while I’m living in my own body, seeing the world through my eyes, feeling like the main character in my life, I might appear only once as an “extra” in someone else’s life, walking my dog in the background or driving a car they’re passing in traffic. It’s a strange feeling, and it’s a comforting one.

I both hate and love to break it to you: you can’t control other people’s perceptions of you.

As you heal your fawn response, there will be people who will dislike you. This doesn’t mean everyone will hate you. It means that you’ll get clarity on the type of person you want to spend time with. You’ll know who feeds your energy and who sucks energy out of you. Let it be a positive sign that you’re not for everyone. You can’t be for absolutely everyone and know yourself at the same time. When someone doesn’t like you, instead of asking, What should I do to make them like me? you can instead ask, How can I soothe myself through the discomfort of them not liking me? What do I need to be okay? You are not responsible for the version of you that exists in other people’s minds. You can’t control how others perceive you, but you can manage how much mental space you give their perceptions. You can’t control other people’s behaviors, but you can control your decision to tolerate them or not.

Having an open heart doesn’t mean you need to be friends with everyone.

Things naturally feel less personal when we realize that they’re not permanent. Taking something personally simply becomes an uncomfortable thought, with uncomfortable bodily sensations that eventually pass.

Extra suffering comes from (1) clinging or grasping onto something because we don’t want it to go away or change or (2) resisting or having an aversion to a change because we don’t want that change to happen.

Everything is always changing—how comforting, and how heartbreaking.

Because everything eventually changes, that can only mean that things aren’t going to go perfectly, smoothly, or easily all the time. “Nothing is perfect” means: Of course life is going to suck sometimes. Of course people are sometimes going to be mad at you. Of course you’re going to have your heart broken, and get sick, and lose someone or something close to you in this lifetime. Of course. Because that’s what it means to be alive, to have a beating heart in this body. Acknowledging that nothing is perfect means being realistic about the nature of being human. This work isn’t about not having challenging emotions; it’s about changing our relationship to those emotions, not adding an extra layer of suffering on top of them.

When the mind starts to go BEEP BEEP BEEP: YOU ARE IN DANGER because the other person seems agitated, or you’re about to overapologize for something that has nothing to do with you, or you’re about to overexplain yourself because you didn’t get the laugh you were hoping for, then it’s time to pause. Slow down. You may still seek external soothing, and that is okay!

It’s Not Your Job to Manage Their Discomfort

When we practice clear, direct, open, and honest communication, the other person is going to respond or react in their own way, dependent on their ability to handle discomfort. All we can ever control is our own words and actions and how we respond to other people. As you practice communicating more clearly, it’s not your job to manage other people’s discomfort.

Take Their Word for It

If you avoid conflict, you may unconsciously believe that others are avoiding it, too. You may assume that they’re secretly mad and just not bringing it up because that’s how you handle conflict. One of the most important and challenging practices I want you to take away from this book is this: Take their word for it. Get comfortable with the discomfort of taking what people say at face value without imagining what else it could mean or what they could secretly be feeling.

There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, child, partner, or friend. Let that be a relief. You don’t need to be perfect in relationships. And when we can stop expecting perfection from ourselves in relationships, we can stop expecting it from others. We’re all going to mess up, say things we didn’t mean, misunderstand each other’s needs, miscommunicate our wants. How we repair those moments is what makes relationships even closer.

To repair means to: 1. Go back to the moment of tension or disconnection and acknowledge what happened. 2. Take responsibility. 3. Share what you learned from the rupture and what you’re practicing for next time.