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“You know,” Ferron said, jolting her from her thoughts, “when I heard it was you I’d be getting, I was looking forward to breaking you.” He shook his head. “But I don’t think it’s possible to exceed what you’ve done to yourself.”
“Oh, Marino.” His thumb trailed along her neck, following the scar below her jaw. “If I’d known what pain you’d cause me, I never would have taken you.”
“But at this point I suppose I deserve to burn. I wonder if you’ll burn, too.” His face was so close the words brushed against her lips, and his mouth crashed against hers.
He wasn’t kind; he simply wasn’t cruel. He wasn’t as monstrous as he could be. And for Helena’s fracturing mind, an absence of cruelty was sufficient solace. For her starved heart, it was enough.
“Stay … please … stay.”
“I swear it, on the spirits of the five gods and my own soul, Kaine Ferron, I’m yours as long as I live.”
“How could immortality be a punishment? It’s what everyone wants.”
“And if you couldn’t? If a monster can’t be made loyal, what would you do then?”
“Don’t die, Marino. I might miss you.”
She couldn’t fix herself anymore, and no one else seemed inclined to even notice she was breaking.
“Stay,” he said softly, and his head dipped so close she felt his breath in her hair. “You know, there’s something about you, Marino, that inspires the most terrible decisions from me. I’ll know better, but then I’ll still …”
He didn’t flinch when she touched him now, instead leaning into it.
“I must admit,” he said in a low voice as though making a confession, “if anyone had told me you’d become so lovely, I would never have come near you. I was rather blindsided when I saw you again.”
“You’re like a rose in a graveyard,” he said, and his lips twisted into a bitter smile. “I wonder what you could have turned into without the war.”
“Like you, then,” he said, twisting the curl so it wrapped around his fingertip, “trapped in place, but still the same somewhere underneath.”
He leaned forward, lacing his fingers into her hair along her temple, running his fingers through it. His expression curious. She shivered at the sensation, at the nearness of him. “It’s softer than I expected,” he said. His eyes were fascinated.
He was gentler than she thought he could be. He looked at her like he saw her.
She ran a hand along his jaw, and when her palm grazed his cheek, he pressed his face into it, eyes fluttering shut, a breath escaping him, as if he were starved of touch.
She knew that people enjoyed sex, but she had always thought it was an indulgence. She had not known it was a hunger. Or that she was starving.
A starved wolf would sate itself on anything.
“You made me feel like the parts of me that aren’t useful still deserve to exist. Like I’m not just all the things I can do.”
Touch him and she’d bleed, and yet she could not escape the allure of it.
“I must say, Marino, you’ve ended up being quite expensive.”
“I can’t—I can’t do this again—” he finally gasped out. “I can’t care for someone again. I can’t take it.”
“I realised just now that I’d miscalculated something. It hadn’t occurred to me that I’d made you marketable.”
When you begged for a chance to heal me, I gave in. When you touched me, I didn’t push you away. I thought, Where’s the harm? It all ends soon enough, and life has been cold for such a long time.”
“After you nearly bled to death here, I thought, at least I can keep her alive. She deserves to have someone who cares enough to try to keep her alive.
My loyalty was to those least responsible for her suffering, but if the Eternal Flame has decided that you are an affordable casualty, I will not be noble or understanding. I can exact dual revenge. I will make them pay if they get you killed.”
He wouldn’t let go. He gripped her tighter. “You are not expendable. You don’t get to push everyone away so that they’ll feel comfortable using you and letting you die.”
“You are not replaceable,” he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. “You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people. The reason I’m here—the reason I’m doing any of this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.” She shook her head, giving a broken sob and—before she let herself think—she kissed him.
He touched her cheek, tilting her face up and kissing her. “Use the ring, call me, if you ever need anything.”
“Then use me,” Kaine said.
“It doesn’t matter,” she said, resting her head on his shoulder. “Yes, it does. Let me give you this now.” He drew her face to his and kissed her. Slow and intent.
When he kissed her, it felt like the beginning of something that could be eternal.
He met her eyes for a moment before he buried his face against her shoulder, and she saw all the heartbreak in him.
“I should have known—the moment I looked into your eyes, I should have known I would never win against you.”
“You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.”
She was locked in the dangerous embrace of Kaine Ferron, and it felt like home.
Kaine was dressed, but he was just sitting beside her, watching her sleep, her fingers laced in his, as if there was nothing else to do.
She watched the way his eyes moved, taking her in piece by piece as if he didn’t want to miss a single detail.
“You’re a far better person than I am. This world doesn’t deserve you at all.”
Their foreheads touched, and she closed her eyes. It was as though their souls were touching, too.
She reached out, her fingers brushing back his hair. “Don’t worry. I’m always going to come back to you.”
“Would you go now, if you could?” His eyes seemed to ripple with heat. “With you, I would.”
He captured her hand and pulled her close. His other hand slid possessively up her throat, fingers tilting her head back, and he kissed her, long and deep, before he drew away to meet her eyes. “Call me, and I will come.”
He’d dip his head forward, kissing her inner wrist or the palm of her hand, his silver eyes locked on her face. “You’re mine. I’ll always come for you.”
“Being alive is not the same as living. I hope someday you’ll have a chance to realise the difference.”
