More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
“What exactly is it that you think I do with all my time? I kill people. I order other people to kill people. I train people to kill people. I sabotage and undermine people so that they will be killed, and I do it all because of you. Every word. Every life. Because of you.”
“You are so much more than what the war has done to you.”
“I don’t see you that way, either. You’re mine.” He let go of her wrist and lifted his hand, the fingertips tracing the scarring until it was covered by his palm, warm against her bare skin, then sliding up to curve around her neck. “You are. It doesn’t matter what happens to you, you will still be mine.”
I love you. She told him in the way she held him close; in the way her mouth met his; in how her hands trailed across his skin, mapping him, memorising every detail of what it was to be with him, his scars under her fingers. I love you. I love you. She told him in the way she let go of herself and held on to him instead. With every beat of her heart. I love you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you.
“What’s wrong?” he finally asked. Everything. “Nothing,” she said. “I think I forgot to breathe after you left.”
He ran his thumb across her knuckles. “You know I would if I could. I’d run with you and never look back.”
Someday, she promised herself, someday I am going to love him in a moment that isn’t stolen.
detail. She wanted to commit everything to memory, the way he felt under her hands and against her skin, as if sufficient detail could make this secret thing real enough to endure; as if she could write it into the universe so deeply that even a war could not erase it.
“You’re mine,” he said almost against her lips. “Mine. You swore it. Your Resistance sold you to me. I’m not going anywhere without you. And if anyone touches you, immortal or not, I will kill them.”
His gaze flickered across her face as if trying to take it in, memorising her, because this was the end. The last time he’d ever see her.
“I promised to take care of you first,” she said, snatching her hand back. “Always. I promised you always.
“We have a long goodbye in front of us. I don’t want to fight you, but I will not do anything that puts you at further risk.”
“Every time you asked, I promised I was yours. Always. There aren’t any exemptions or expiration dates on always.”
He’d loved her, even though he never expected them to be anything but doomed. He’d loved her all the same.
“And I want you to know. If I didn’t, I’d wonder about everything. If our baby would get your eyes or mine. What kind of resonance they’d have. If they’d have any, or if they’d just get to be ordinary.” She was speaking quickly, because her throat was growing thick. “I’d wonder if they’d have hair like mine or if it would be straight like yours. If I have to go without you—if you—if you die—I’d want to tell them all about you.” She swallowed hard. “I’ve never gotten to tell anyone about you. I’d want someone to know what you were like.”
“I’m sorry—I’m sorry—I’m so sorry for everything I did to you,” he said, his voice hoarse and broken. “I love you. You left, and I’d never told you.”
“I don’t want to choose. I always have to choose, and I never get to choose you. I’m so tired of not getting to choose you.”
“You’re not choosing. You promised me anything I wanted. I want you to stop breaking yourself trying to save me. Go. Live. Tell our daughter I saved you both. That—is what I want.”
She tried to back away, but he caught hold of her, gripping her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at him. “You have to let me go now.”
Her shoulders shook. “But … I want to save you back.” “I know.” He said it gently. “And if anyone could, it would be you. But I would like to say goodbye to you before you’re gone, and you are losing yourself in this.”
“I want this,” she said, voice shaking. “I want this on our terms before I go—please …” Her voice cracked. “This was ours …” She swallowed, blinking hard. “They took it from us, but it was ours.”
She lay in his arms, listening to his heart. When she tried to picture home, this feeling was all she could imagine.
“It’s called quickening—when you first feel a baby move.” She drew a deep breath. “If you use your resonance, you’ll be able to feel her now. If you want.” His hand twitched and he hesitated. “We can do it together,” she said. “You should meet her.”
I’d tell myself: Someday you’re going to run away with him. Somewhere quiet. You won’t ask for very much, just you and him, and that will be enough.” A lump welled up in her throat, and she shook her head. “That was all I wanted. It was my whole dream, to see what we could be away from the war. I thought it would all be worth it for that.”
“I’m going to take care of you,” she whispered. “It’s—our way.”
“You need a willing soul for that, and you’re not going to find one, because the only person who’d die for me is you.”
“I know you don’t want to believe it’s possible, because hoping terrifies you. But I would rather die trying to save you than live knowing there was a chance and I didn’t take it.”
“The first promise I made to you was that I’d be yours for as long as I live. I’m keeping that one.”
When Helena opened her eyes, Kaine was still asleep beside her, his face turned towards her as if he’d fallen asleep staring at her.
I’m not going to let anything take me from you.”
“Helena, look at you. You have broken yourself into pieces, over and over, because of me, and you don’t seem to understand that it kills me. Living is not worth it to me if you’re the one who keeps paying the price for it.
“Love isn’t as pretty or pure as people like to think. There’s a darkness in it sometimes. Kaine and I go hand in hand. I made him who he is. I knew what that array meant when I saved him. If he’s a monster, then I’m his creator.”
