Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time (Portfolio Non Fiction)

by Keith Ferrazzi

remember once we were driving down the road to our home when Dad spotted a broken Big Wheel tricycle in someone’s trash. He stopped the car, picked it up, and knocked on the door of the home where the discarded toy lay waiting to be picked up. “I spotted this Big Wheel in your trash,” he told the owner. “Do you mind if I take it? I think I can fix it. It would make me feel wonderful to give my son something like this.”

Whom you meet, how you meet them, and what they think of you afterward should not be left to chance.

Find a way to become part of those things that are of most interest to them, and you will have found a way to become part of their life.

“I always make a special effort to inquire about the people I’d like to meet.”

“Hey, John, I’ve got two things for you. One, I want you to meet a buddy of mine named Jeff Arnold. He’s brilliant and creative and you should know him. He’s the guy who founded WebMD and he’s started a new company, Convex Group, which may need your services down the line. And two, Convex is putting out this incredible technology that distributes digital content in a new way. I think Sony would appreciate being aware of it.”

“I just want to reiterate my excitement regarding our meeting. I’ve never heard John talk so flatteringly of a business associate. I understand how busy you must be. I haven’t heard from your administrative assistant, but I’m sure I will. See you soon.”

“I’m calling for my friend Jeff Arnold, the founder of WebMD, who has a new, very powerful way to distribute digital content. With some of the new products you’ll be launching this quarter, it could make for the perfect partnership. I’ll be in New York next week. Let’s get together. Or, if getting together this trip isn’t convenient, I’ll make room in my schedule for whenever it’s more convenient for you.”

four rules for what I call warm calling: (1) Convey credibility by mentioning a familiar person or institution—in this case, John, Jeff, and WebMD. (2) State your value proposition: Jeff’s new product would help Serge sell his new products. (3) Impart urgency and convenience by being prepared to do whatever it takes whenever it takes to meet the other person on his or her own terms. (4) Be prepared to offer a compromise that secures a definite follow-up at a minimum.

With a first call you don’t want to come off as aggressive. Remember, you never, ever want to anger the gatekeeper.

It’s sometimes effective to utilize several forms of communication when trying to reach an important new contact.

The point is, I’m constantly looking to include others in whatever I’m doing. It’s good for them, good for me, and good for everyone to broaden their circle of friends.

In such an e-mail, I like to cite something particular we talked about in the course of our conversation—whether a shared hobby or business interest—that serves as a mental reminder of who I am.

When I leave the meeting, I put the name and e-mail address of the new acquaintance in my contact list and program my calendar to remind me in a month’s time to drop the person another e-mail, just to keep in touch.

Use e-mail and snail mail. The combination adds a personalized touch.

Because we knew who was attending beforehand, the partners got one-page bios on the people assigned them, listing who they were, what they did, their accomplishments and hobbies, and the potential challenges their company faced that Deloitte might be able to address. This was enough information to make a real connection when the partner finally met the individual. We also gave the partners a list of ideas of how actually to catch up with their targets and what to say when they met. At the end of each day, the partners would report whom they met, where, and how the encounter went. If someone had a difficult time meeting their target person, we strategized for the next day, making sure that the partner and the individual he was assigned to would sit at the same dinner table the following evening, or I’d make a point of making the introduction myself, or we’d ask Mike to make an intro in a few cases.

The key is to work hard to make the conference a success for everyone.

How do you become a speaker at a conference? First, you need something to say: You need content (which I’ll discuss in another chapter). You need to develop a spiel about the niche you occupy. In fact, you can develop a number of different spiels, catering to a number of different audiences (again, I’ll get to that later).

He started small, getting to know all the organizers of small, local, industry-specific events. He would ask these people, in return for his help, to give him a room during an off-hour at the end of the event so he could speak to a small gathering of people that he would organize.

The alternative is to commandeer the useless hour or two by throwing a dinner of your own. I like to do this at least once during most conferences. Before the event, I’ll scout out a nice nearby restaurant and send out pre-invites to a private dinner that I’ll host alongside the scheduled affair.

Before the conference, identify key influencers who tweet who are attending and create a list so you can easily follow them. Check hashtags and become an active part of the conversation while in sessions. Take pictures of the people you meet and the parties and sessions you attend—both for tweeting and to help you remember. Take notes on everything, and when the event is over, whip it all into a story or a photo series for posting on your blog, e-mailing to people you met, pushing out through Facebook, etc.

“Mr. Diller, my name is Keith Ferrazzi. I work for Barry Sternlicht as his CMO at Starwood. He’s mentioned before that you and I should talk, and I thought I’d just make the introduction myself. I know you’re busy, but I’m wondering if I can call your office and arrange a time to meet with you when we get back home?”

“Great, I wanted to talk to you about a number of ideas I have about your business, but I’ve also admired your career and the pioneering work you’ve done for a long time.”

Hey Carla, Wow, what a fun time. I didn’t expect tequila shots to be a part of the Forbes CIO conference. We definitely have to make this an annual occurrence. Hey, I also wanted to follow up with our discussion on your marketing strategy and your interest in the Ferrazzi Greenlight loyalty strategy work we’ve done as a way to help reach your adult women demographic. When can you do a call this week, or at your leisure? Also, I wanted to say that I heard no fewer than three separate people talk about your session and what a great speaker you were. Congrats! Best, Keith

represent a source of social power, and the more acquaintances you have, the more powerful you are.”

Dr. Stanley Milgram proved this idea in a 1967 study. He ran an experiment that set out to show that our big, impersonal world is actually quite small and friendly. It was Milgram’s experiment that created the notion of “six degrees of separation.” In the experiment, he sent a package to a few hundred randomly selected people in Nebraska with the instructions that they forward the package to an anonymous stockbroker in Boston whom they did not know. Each person could send the packet only to someone whom they knew on a first-name basis, and who they thought was more likely to know the stockbroker than they were themselves. About a third of the letters reached their destination, after an average of only six mailings. What was surprising was that when all those chains of people were analyzed, Milgram found that a majority of the letters passed through the hands of the same three Nebraskans.

keep a file of headhunters: who they are and what they’re looking for. And I return every call from them, helping to tap my network to find people for their jobs. I know they’ll help me with access to some of their clients when I need their help. After all, they are in the networking business!

How can you reach out? Join your local chamber of commerce. Local executives, businesspeople, and entrepreneurs generally populate the chamber. In every community, there are plenty of young politicos looking to climb the political ladder.

Instead, we should take the initiative in creating the impression we want to give.

The Johari Window is a model, invented by two American psychologists, that provides insight into how much people reveal of themselves. Some people are introverted, revealing little; they keep their window relatively closed. Other people are extroverted, revealing a great deal and keeping their windows open.

One helpful technique I use is to try to envision myself as a mirror to the person with whom I’m speaking. What’s the cadence of her speech? How loudly does she talk? What’s her body language? By adjusting your behavior to mirror the person you are talking to, she’ll automatically feel more comfortable.

“There are so many wonderful people here tonight; I’d feel remiss if I didn’t at least try to get to know a few more of them. Would you excuse me for a second?”

In order to establish a lasting connection, small talk needs to end on an invitation to continue the relationship.

At the moment of introduction, I visually attach a person’s name to his face. Seconds later, I’ll repeat his name to make sure I got it, and then again periodically throughout the conversation.

The only way to get people to do anything is to recognize their importance and thereby make them feel important.

“there are three things in this world that engender deep emotional bonds between people. They are health, wealth, and children.”

When you help someone through a health issue, positively impact someone’s personal wealth, or take a sincere interest in their children, you engender life-bonding loyalty.

In the beginning of a relationship, those kinds of outings are merely forums that allow you to connect strongly enough with the other person to help them address the issues that matter to them most.