This Inevitable Ruin (Dungeon Crawler Carl #7)

by Matt Dinniman

Which goes back to rule number one. Be careful who you’re nice to. Because if you are nice to the wrong person, they’ll either take advantage of you, or worse, they might never leave.” “That seems like terrible advice, Uncle Quasar.” “No, telling someone to sign a contract in a Naga system is terrible advice because they like to change the rules on you. Recommending a chili cook-off for a first date is terrible advice, especially if you’re lactose intolerant. This is good advice.”

But Porthus felt as if he couldn’t move. He felt so heavy. So godsdamned heavy. He lowered his head. I will fight. I will fight. I will fight.

This is a human. This one is something called a Canadian. Part French. Part maple syrup. He’s weirdly obsessed with ice hockey and snowmobiles and semi-erotic lumberjack fan fiction. Has a well-worn Tim Hortons loyalty card in his Velcro wallet. He says “aboot” instead of “about” and gets really, really upset when you point it out, claiming you’re hearing things and that it’s a harmful stereotype. It’s not a stereotype, and that’s exactly how it sounds. He has a relative who was trampled to death by a moose. You get the idea.

New Achievement! Touched by a Demon! You have been physically touched by a demon lord of Sheol, and you’ve lived to talk about it. Do you know how many of these achievements have ever been handed out? One. Just one, and it’s to you. Reward: You’ve received a cassette copy of Dio’s 1983 masterpiece debut, Holy Diver along with a Celestial Heavy Metal Box.

The last notable achievement came in the AI’s deep, throaty voice. New Achievement! Unbirthing! If you still had access to Google, I would warn you not to look that one up. But that’s okay. You experienced it first-hand yourself. It hurt, didn’t it? It was extra tingly while you were in there, struggling to breathe as you were... crushed. And then you slipped, you slided back out into the fiery, cruel world. And you glistened. Oh, oh god. You glistened. Oh, yes. The AI groaned. I really liked that. You are in fucking trouble. Reward: You’ve received a Legendary Spicy Box.

“Well, I hope it’s not something ridiculous. I have a level six skill in litterbox navigation, and I don’t need that buffed anymore.” “Level six?” I asked. “You trail litter everywhere you go.” “That is absolutely a lie, Carl.”

“Yes, Carl,” the potion bottle said, his voice deep and demonic. “Drink me. Drink me deep. Put me inside of you.” “What the shit?” I asked as Donut hissed. “That’s how you know it’s a good potion,” Mordecai said, grinning.

Someone’s name can have a direct effect on the path they take in life. For example, have you ever met someone named Lacey who wasn’t a complete trainwreck? Or a boy named Jason who didn’t think he was always the main character? Names are important, Carl.

Donut sniffed angrily. “Carl, if this turns into some weird, furry porn thing, I’m going to lose my absolute shit.”

The orc paused, looking up at the ceiling. “No,” she suddenly said out loud, angrily pointing at the ceiling. “Absolutely not. That was clearly a foul by the corporate interests who purchased Sensation, and if you don’t like it, you should re-read your own rules. In addition, you are out of line by not warning me he was being influenced.” She paused again. “I accept your apology,” she finally said. And without another word, she turned and returned to the flag room, leaving the door open for us to follow. “Uh, Carl,” Donut asked. “Was she talking to the AI just now?” “I don’t know if I should be terrified or in love,” Florin added as we walked into the flag room.

I patted the tiny gnome on the head. “You shouldn’t have to think about that sort of stuff. We just need you to stay safe.” The little girl gave me a chilling smile. “I shouldn’t have to think about killing outworlders? Why shouldn’t I? Have they stopped thinking about trying to kill me?”

The Inevitable Ruin. That’s what their queen used to call this moment. The moment you realized there was no hope, nothing left to do, and all that was left was to die and reflect upon what you’ve already done while you waited. To ruminate on how you’ve helped the colony, and to beg forgiveness of God for not sacrificing enough.

Don’t shy from what you’ve become. Force them to look upon you. Force them to see what they wrought, what they forged in the fires of their own creation. Let them know fear.

“What?” Jamal asked. “We need you for the last stand,” Donut said. “I’m quite jealous, honestly. I don’t think anyone other than you can do it.” The shark just looked at the cat. “Jamal feels as if you’re trying to reverse psychologicalize him. It will not work. Jamal is much too quick-witted for such tricks. I was once one of the most feared warriors of all the seas.”

Warlord Donut: OKAY EVERYONE. AS SOON AS THAT FIRST BOMB DROPS, TAKE THE EAR POTION OR PUT IN YOUR EARPLUGS. WE MOVE TO CHAT. DRINK THE INVISIBILITY POTION WHEN YOU CAN, THE MAGES WILL CAST OBFUSCATION ON US, AND WE GO UP AND OVER. DON’T STOP RUNNING UNTIL YOU’RE IN THEIR TRENCHES. THE SOLDIER WHO BRINGS ME THE MOST DEAD CHEESE STICKS GETS A PRIZE. I BELIEVE IN ALL OF YOU. “A prize?” I asked as I continued to peer through the periscope, waiting for the first explosion. “WHAT?” Donut asked. Carl: A prize? “YES, CARL. SOME OF THE VETERANS WERE TELLING ME WHEN THEY WERE CONSCRIPTED DURING THE LAST TIME THEY FOUGHT IN FACTION WARS, THE OFFICERS WERE ALWAYS THREATENING THEM WHEN THEY GAVE ORDERS. WELL, MY ARMY IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT IS A VERY GOOD MOTIVATOR. IT WORKED WITH MONGO, AND IT’S GOING TO WORK HERE.”

Warlord Carl: Break them all.

What stands before you is a broken creature. His utter failure to protect his friends against the demon haunts him. He refuses to lead men now, despite his great talent. He was just starting to gain his confidence back when a guy in his underwear and a talking cat walked in, trounced him, tied him up, and slaughtered the person he was sworn and honor bound to protect. I’m sure that’ll do great things for his self-esteem.

Donut: ARE WE SURE WE TRUST THIS GUY? HE’S OBVIOUSLY UNSTABLE. Carl: I trust him with my life. Donut: OKAY. BUT YOU’RE TRUSTING HIM WITH MORE THAN THAT. IT’S WITH ALL OF OUR LIVES.

After a long pause, he said, “Do you have any children, human? Or did you?” I swallowed. What was this? “No,” I said tentatively. Rust reached down and gave Gonk the yak a warm pat. “I am jealous of you. I have three, and all three are idiots.”

She looked at me and said, “I just can’t wait to see how you make everything worse today.”

You have utilized a borrowed skill or spell in battle. You have used this borrowed ability to kill an opponent. Oh, man. This opens up a whole new possibility of fighting styles, don’t you think? Just keep those tattoos above the knee. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Have You Goddamned Figured Out How To Use This In Conjunction With the Fucking Voodoo Book Yet? Jesus Christ I Can Only Help You So Much box.

Operation: Ruin consists of four separate offensives, followed by what Donut calls the “Coup De War Crime.”

The Princess Posse’s objective is to win this war today. Mine is to lead the operation to defeat the Madness. I need to focus, but it is so hard. If this is my last entry, know I went down fighting.

Hello, crawlers! Hello, fighters! Combined message today. Open Hostilities begin soon. I don’t give a shit what any of you do by this point. Seriously. I just want it to end, and I want you to know I hate all of you. Now get out there and kill, kill, kill!

Donut: I CAN’T SEE THEM. I DON’T HAVE A SHOT. THE NEW GODDESS LADY IS IN THE WAY. I DO LIKE HER JACKET THOUGH. IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM BEETLEJUICE, THOUGH THE SHOULDER PADS ARE A LITTLE TOO GAUCHE. SLEDGIE, WILL YOU BE A DEAR AND FIRE SOME MISSILES AT HIM WHILE HE’S STILL MARKED? MAYBE FIRE SOME OF THE FAST MOVERS ALONG WITH A CHAIN RIPPER? Sledge: I kill for a living.

Boomer: Starting our raid on the Reaver castle. Bomo and Sledge. Initiate the barrage. Sledge: Robots go boom.

Carl. Steady yourself. You’ve done it before, and you can do it again. They think your mind is your biggest weakness, but it is the opposite. It is the rock upon which the rest of you is built.

I came to a decision. I needed to focus and trust the others. I couldn’t do anything about Louis. I couldn’t do anything about the others at the Dream castle. But I could do something about the castle right in front of me right now. Donut, Rosetta, and Mordecai were smart. I was sure they could come up with a sound plan to help as many people as possible. System Message: Warlord Princess Donut has committed an atrocity. Donut: WELL, I NEVER. THAT WAS VERY RUDE. Carl:

But that wasn’t true, was it? It was in our heads, yes, but it wasn’t that deep. It interpreted things incorrectly all the time. It didn’t see what I saw. Or maybe it did, but it just didn’t understand because it had never been human.

“I didn’t kill him,” Shi Maria shouted at us, pushing her way through the memory ghost of Katia and Annie. She pressed her face right up to mine. Her eye was open and shining, but I felt nothing from it. “I didn’t kill him! I didn’t kill him! I did not, I did not, I did not!” “Bitch, you swallowed me whole,” a new voice said.

Maybe it was a mistake, but nobody could ever fault her for fighting for her friends. There was poetry in that. too.

Colonel Rosetta: Comrades, sound off. The fight has moved to the city. The enemy has changed, and they have taken the castle of Larracos. We don’t know how many there are, but we fight. We fight with all we have.

When Big Things happen on such a large scale, it’s easy to forget sometimes that these Big Things are also happening to the little things in the world.

Blood was so much more red when it was spilled from someone you loved.

“Comrade,” Rosetta said, still wheezing as she started to untie the straps, “you are significantly heavier than you appear.” “At least you have your dignity,” Edgar grumbled as he unceremoniously clattered to the floor. Milk reached down with her bound hands and helped turn him upright. “Oh my god, hi Edgar!” Donut exclaimed. “I thought you got sucked into the ball! Wait, why are you here?” Edgar started pulling things from his inventory. It was his tattoo kit. “What is happening?” I demanded. “Donut needs a spell she doesn’t have for this last part,” Rosetta said. “I thought you were bringing me a spellbook,” Donut said, looking at the tattoo implements suspiciously. “You need it at least level 8 for it to work in conjunction with War Crime,” Rosetta said. She pulled out a razor. It was a pink Bic, like something Bea would use to shave her legs. “Don’t worry. We’ll make it quick. Where do you want it?” “Where do I want what, Rosetta?” Donut demanded.

Eris. Goddess of Chaos. Half-sister of Taranis, mother to nobody, lover of parties, drinking, chaos—of course, and generally known as the Ascendency’s worst, most unapologetic gossip. If she were mortal and human, she’d be called a wine aunt. She’d have a rich, dead husband who died under mysterious circumstances. She would split her time between the hair salon and spending her days on the local community Facebook page where she would be constantly creating utter pandemonium with her posts and her “this is just my opinion, but...” style messages.

System Message: Meatus hasn’t exactly left the realm. He’s now slap-chopped all over the realm. Holy shit. Still, the Scavenger’s Daughter looks away because even she doesn’t want to look at that. Luckily for you, the benefit fades. For the remainder of this floor, your penis is now protected from getting chopped off! Isn’t that great?

Across the way, Big Tina stood atop a pile of rocks shouting down at her mother, who’d come from the FUPA to gather her back. The ballerina dinosaur had single-handedly taken out a fire lance tower and protected dozens of crawlers from getting burned alive. Her magical, ever-repairing feather boa was black and scorched. The massively pregnant Kiwi shouted up at her. Mongo was there, too, bouncing in circles around the allosaurus as she waved her wand angrily at her mother.

Rosetta hadn’t wanted Donut to go at all for just that reason, but Donut had announced that she and I weren’t ever going to be separated ever again, and that was that. Tipid

I want to make myself very, very clear. And this goes out to everyone listening to this. Everyone currently in this dungeon will die when and if the dungeon conditions warrant it. Not before. Not after. There will be no more meddling. We all have our limitations. I am warning you all to heed your own in this matter. The mantids have just learned what happens when I am irritated at them. You may be relieved that you’re not currently in this system, Prime Minister Glory. But you should be very, very worried that your adult children are. There will be no more warnings.

Newborn Ursensus. Female. Level 0. Legendary Creature. I just love it when I’m allowed to create new monsters within the confines of the game rules. Part raptor, part bear, part Scolopendra magic. All adorable. These fuzzy little meat-eaters are going to be quite the handful when they grow up. Because of this mob’s intelligence level they cannot be used as pets. Donut gasped with delight. “Mongo, you made a legendary creature!” Elle: Okay, am I the only one completely freaked out by these little trash goblins? Holy shit, guys. Florin: If we were back home, we’d be drowning them both in the bath right about now. Imani: Not a word, either of you. Not a word. Mongo stood nearby, waving his wings as if he didn’t know what to do. I patted him on the back. “If I had a cigar, I’d give it to you, buddy.”

“You know what, Carl,” Elle said. “Sometime in the near future we need to sit down and do a solid positives and negatives analysis of letting you keep that pet sex doll of yours.” “Like you never accidentally triggered an apocalyptic event, Elle,” Samantha muttered.

“Goodbye, Carl,” Milk said. “If you can sneak back into Club Vanquisher, come say hello. But if not, that’s okay. You have given me something I didn’t think I had anymore. Burn it all to the ground.”

“You doing okay?” I asked Donut as we moved to the stairwell. “I’m going to miss her,” she said. “But you know what, Carl?” “What’s that?” “They are not going to break me. No matter how hard they try.” I reached up, and I gave her a pat.