This Inevitable Ruin (Dungeon Crawler Carl #7)

by Matt Dinniman

Donut: WELL, I’M CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO PICK THE HALLOWEEN AFICIONADO. I MEAN, REALLY. MY PERSONALITY IS MUCH TOO SPARKLY AND OPTIMISTIC FOR ME TO BE A GOTH. IT DOES COME WITH BLACK LIPSTICK. AND A BOXCUTTER FOR SOME REASON.

“Goddamnit, Donut. We need to talk before we do stuff like that! You don’t even know what you’re doing yet!” “Relax, Carl. I’ve been reading the help section of the warlord tab.” “Wait, really?” I asked. “When did you get the time?” “I don’t use the restroom nearly as much as you do. Honestly, I think you need to see a doctor. I think you might have IBS. Now let me do this.”

New Achievement! Crab Chowder! You jerked off a crab. You really need therapy. Reward: All food items in your food boxes now have the option to be served “chowder style.”

The Inevitable Ruin. That’s what their queen used to call this moment. The moment you realized there was no hope, nothing left to do, and all that was left was to die and reflect upon what you’ve already done while you waited. To ruminate on how you’ve helped the colony, and to beg forgiveness of God for not sacrificing enough.

Don’t shy from what you’ve become. Force them to look upon you. Force them to see what they wrought, what they forged in the fires of their own creation. Let them know fear.

<Note added by Crawler Ossie, 18th Edition> If you want to create fright amongst an otherwise stalwart enemy, confusion is always the key.

Carl: You scared? Donut: Of course I am, Carl. But I think I’m used to it now. It’s more numb than anything. I think nowadays it hits me more when it’s done than when it’s happening. A strange swell of sadness hit me. I wanted to pat her, but my own hand was trembling too much.

Donut: You do know what came over you. I want you to throw that ring away, Carl. It’s not worth it. It’s doing something to you. You’re scaring me. You’re scaring me. The words were like a slap to my face. How many times had my mother said that to my father? Still, my finger itched. I took a deep breath.

These were the numb times. This was another good thing about his race. He could sleep for long periods, and nobody would ever know. On the rare occasion he did dream, he only dreamt of berries and fire and the warmth of the hearth back when it was all so simple.

It would be a long time before someone figured out what had happened. Odds were good nobody would even remember Volteeg’s name. That was okay. He didn’t want to be remembered. He didn’t deserve love, or admiration. But, vengeance? Yeah. He was due a little bit of vengeance.

Warlord Donut: I’M SORRY, BUT YOU ARE MUCH TOO POOR TO BE TALKING TO ME LIKE THIS.

The goat rushed forward and pulled me into a tight hug. He started to uncontrollably sob. “You’re my best friend, Carl. I’ve been so lonely. When you didn’t show up at the Bahamas on the last floor, I thought...” He didn’t finish the sentence. He was letting out these huge, wet, snot-filled sobs. It had come so suddenly and unexpectedly, and he was clutching onto me like I was a life raft. Everyone around us just stopped what they were doing to look at us. Even Bianca appeared embarrassed.

Samantha was shouting, but she wasn’t making sense. “My mother! You told me I could go kill my mother, but when I went there, she was an eagle! A boy eagle! My mother is not like Diwata. She can’t just grow a dingaling. Wait, do eagles have dingalings?”

Wishing for favorable air currents does not manifest them. You ride the currents you have, or you don’t fly. It was as simple as that.

The “Miss Me?” had been replaced with a new statement. “Fuck the Cheese Dicks.”

When Big Things happen on such a large scale, it’s easy to forget sometimes that these Big Things are also happening to the little things in the world.

Blood was so much more red when it was spilled from someone you loved.

We gain things, and we lose them.

“They’re all screaming, Carl. Can’t you hear them? Nobody has said anything about it, but it’s awful. I hope they don’t remember their time in there. I hope they’re not all mad at me. If something goes wrong, and we lose everybody, it’ll be my fault. How can I go on after that?”

“Donut, listen to me. Nothing that has happened today or will happen is your fault. They put us here. This is their war. If the worst happens, then you and I together will go on the best we can, and we won’t stop until each and every one of them has paid their debt tenfold.”

Harpocrates. The god wasn’t mute after all. He raised his arms in the air. “My cock! My beloved cock! You will pay for this, Champion of Nekhebit!”

The Champion of Nekhebit: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A DIPSHIT? I’M A HIGHER LEVEL THAN YOU ARE, YOU SAGGY TWAT.

“That concept, that curse is bullshit,” I finally said. “It’s hopelessness, just in another form. Nothing is hopeless. Not until we’re truly dead.”

“How could you? We’ve all become experts at hiding what we’ve really lost.”

“They are not going to break me. No matter how hard they try.”

As the fire engulfed him, finally giving rest to a soul that had been so tired for such a very long time, Justice Light cawed into the air.