That One Moment

by C.S. Autumn

If you’ve ever felt alone. If you’ve ever felt unseen. If you’ve ever screamed into the void and not been heard. If you’ve wished for things you felt you didn’t deserve. This one’s for you.

They are a contradiction. One light, the other dark. Identical twins. Only not.

This girl, she pushes me all the time, but she does it with the best intentions and seriously, I love and adore her.

He laughs without restraint, and when he smiles at me? When he smiles, my entire world spins like I’m stuck on a carousel that’s out of control. My heart beats wildly against my ribcage, blood pulses hotter in my veins and my entire body lights up with a thrum of excitement. I am so gone for this boy.

Caiden’s laugh is loud and foreign to my ears and I realise it’s the first time since we met that I’ve seen him even remotely happy. He’d be just as beautiful as his brother, I think to myself, if he wasn’t so fucking angry all the time.

I nod anyway, because lying is so much easier. Sometimes I think lies are just that much kinder than the truth.

This is what love feels like. Not the sex, but the connection. The feeling that this person is a part of me as much as I am a part of him.

“I hope that’s where we go when we die,” Cooper says, his voice full of wonder. “It would mean that we get to look down on everyone we leave behind and they would always look up at us too. Because who doesn’t stop to look at the stars?”

But the deeper, more honest answer is that I go to these stupid parties so I can feel less alone, less empty and so that I can feel like I am a part of something without having to share a part of myself.

I hate that I crave the pain, I hate that I’m so fucking tired of trying to be better and I hate….I just hate the person I am.

I’m sorry Cooper always worries about me. I’m sorry he can read me so well. I’m sorry my fake smiles don’t work on him. I’m sorry that I want to go alone but also so badly want to know they’re with me too. I’m just sorry.

“I can see something's wrong - your eyes speak volumes. You're not the sum of your saddest moments, Caiden. You're so much more. So much stronger.”

Jamie laughs louder, his head turned to face Cooper, and Cooper briefly takes his eyes off the road to smile at Jamie. And that’s all it takes. That one moment.

I hope he can forgive me for leaving him. I’d have stayed by his side and grown old with him if that had been in the cards for us.

I lived. But Cooper….Cooper didn’t. He was stolen from me and there is nothing lucky about that. I should have died instead of him.

Grief is a monster that hangs on your shoulders until you’re too weak to fight it. Until exhaustion settles in and the monster whispers in your ear to just give up. I think if you’re strong enough, you can fight it off. I think you can win and grief can become a part of you but not enough to control you. But my monster has won because I am not strong. I never have been.

I try to smile while I tell myself this was the best choice I could have made. Now, I’ll see Cooper again.

I did everything I could to feel like I was worthy of the chance I was given. But I don’t deserve it, I only deserve to feel this pain and this bottomless pit of despair.

“There was always a chance this is where I would end up,” I start, wringing my hands together on my lap. “And I needed them to call someone who wouldn’t care if I lived or died.”

My heart beats a rhythm that says ‘you came back’ and his green eyes meet mine. They say ‘I came back.’ And we stare at each other for more heartbeats than I can count.

A better person would have kept in touch - he is still my stepbrother after all. A better son would have stayed and helped his dad heal. A better brother would have made sure his twin’s boyfriend didn’t suffer his loss alone. I am not that better person.

Cooper died, but living is my punishment for everything I did wrong to him and everyone around me.

Oh sweet boy…💔

Three years of processing my loss. Three years of pretending Caiden’s exile from our lives didn’t add pain to my already smarting heart. Three fucking years.

Fuck this entire day. Fuck Caiden. Fuck truck drivers who fall asleep at the wheel. Fuck me and fuck Cooper for dying. Just fuck it all to hell.

It was Cooper that held us together, and without Cooper here….well, Jamie and Caiden do not exist.

To this moment where it feels like he’s right where he’s meant to be. Where he smells unfamiliar but he feels like mine. That thought scares me more than I care to admit.

For a heartbeat there, I let myself think that Jamie wanted back in my life because of me. But, it’s not that, it never was. Him being here was never about me. It’s about his guilt over failing at the things he thinks Cooper would have wanted.

We’re on a rollercoaster that’s lost control. We will crash but not before the ride is over. Not before we’ve felt the rush that comes with falling.

“No. You’re so fucking good.”

In the space of such a short time, Caiden Carrington has turned my world upside down - it’s unexpected, thrilling and confusing in equal measures, and I have no idea what to do about it.

I can’t deny that Caiden looks like him but I’m honest enough to admit that Caiden’s sudden hold on me has nothing to do with the man who's had my heart in his hands, even in death.

What I should do and what I want to do are at war with each other and the right choice doesn’t stand a chance.

Even when I first met him, I thought he was handsome. But when he smiles and it's aimed at me? Breathtaking.

“We were two peas in a pod. Best friends and worst enemies all in one.” I smile wistfully. “And now he’s somewhere out there watching me run my life into the ground one step at a time because I don’t know how to be half a person.”

😭😭😭

“Maybe it’s time to start actually living, Jamie.” He’s quiet for a while before he answers. “I will, if you will. And we’ll do it for us. Not for anyone else.”

“I could never regret you. I’ve told you that already,”

“I don’t want you to be anyone but you, Caiden. I know you’re having a hard time believing that but it’s true. Just be my pain in the ass stepbrother, with a bad attitude and terrible taste in music.”

“You’re scared, I get that, so am I. You’ve turned everything upside down and I barely understand myself at the moment, but I do know this. I’m not comparing you and I don't wish you were him. Whatever paths we took led us here, to this moment where I'm with you, sunshine. You.”

“He was an open book with eyes only for you. I know what I know.”

I am the barrier to all the good things that I could have in my life.

Me too

“I’m going to sound really fucking harsh now but you can take it. Cooper is dead. He’s not coming back. He cannot love Jamie any more and you cannot betray him because he’s not around to be betrayed. Your twin loved you - I didn’t even know him but I am certain of that. Can you honestly tell me, he’d rather you be unhappy than in love and happy with his ex?”

“Your Uncle Jamie feels something big for that man,” I mumble to Nova. “But your uncle is also a big confused mess.”

“Tell me you missed me,” he says. “Tell me you wanted to see me, even if it’s a lie.” “It wouldn’t be a lie.”

“I want to punish you for pushing me away.” His hands find purchase in my hair and I look up at him. “But at the same time I want to worship every inch of you.” “Do both,”

Jamie Durand may never have meant to be mine, but perhaps life isn’t as linear as that - perhaps what wasn’t meant to be can one day be.

“You did no such thing. You were a child when your mother left and we used you and your brother as weapons against each other. That’s on us, not on you. I’m sorry I was hard on you, I should have been better. As for Coop,” he wipes the tears from my cheeks with the back of his hand. “Cooper died in an unfortunate accident.”

“I miss Cooper. I just wanted to be with him again. If I had died that day instead of him, or with him, I wouldn’t hurt so much. Everything hurts, all the time,”

“Cooper loved the stars, and that’s what you are, a bright little star.”

Before Cooper died. Everything is now either before or after, like his death was the pinnacle turning point in both our lives.

That brother’ was the best person I’ve ever known. He was too good for you. He deserved a mother who loved him, who wanted him. We both did. I cut you out of my life because you’re toxic and I didn’t want to die from your poison.”