More on this book
Kindle Notes & Highlights
The Columbine tragedy cast a spotlight on some of the hidden boy problems we discuss in this book, such as the adolescent culture of cruelty that preys on unpopular or nonconformist boys, and the high cost to all of us of the emotional illiteracy that’s so common among boys and men.
The declining grades and the escalating hostility at home—especially the explosive outburst—are red flags of concern
We see boys who, frightened or saddened by family discord, experience those feelings only as mounting anger or an irritable wish that everyone would “just leave me alone.” Shamed by school problems or stung by criticism, they lash out or withdraw emotionally.
We call this process, in which a boy is steered away from his inner world, the emotional miseducation of boys. It is a training away from healthful attachment and emotional understanding and expression, and it affects even the youngest boy, who learns quickly, for instance, that he must hide his feelings and silence his fears.
We build emotional literacy, first, by being able to identify and name our emotions; second, by recognizing the emotional content of voice and facial expression, or body language; and third, by understanding the situations or reactions that produce emotional states.
we find that most girls get lots of encouragement from an early age to be emotionally literate—to be reflective and expressive of their own feelings and to be responsive to the feelings of others. Many boys do not receive this kind of encouragement,
One of the most common complaints about boys is that they are aggressive and “seem not to care.” We have heard the same complaint from veteran teachers who are stunned by the power of boy anger and disruption in their classes.
Most important, a boy needs male modeling of a rich emotional life. He needs to learn emotional literacy as much from his father and other men as from his mother and other women, because he must create a life and language for himself that speak with male identity. A boy must see and believe that emotions belong in the life of a man.
as boys get older, they express less emotion.
boys who have trouble managing their own emotions may routinely tune out the cues of other people’s upset.
But her short answer is less engaging, less informative, and less rewarding for her son. It subtly discourages him from thinking any further about why someone cries or what might have moved this particular child to tears.
The message the daughter gets is that it’s okay to be concerned about another’s feelings; her natural concern and empathy are reinforced.
The difference between boys who overcome adversity and those who surrender to it always comes down to the emotional resources they bring to the challenge.
Parents can model emotional connectedness and empathy. They can listen to boys’ feelings without judging them, hear their problems without dictating solutions.
They do waste a disproportionate amount of class time every day. The gender split is obvious; the girls bring energy and exuberance to the circle, too, but it is contained; they readily follow instructions. The boys have a much harder time sitting still. How
Boys generally are an active lot, and often impulsive. Their energy is contagious, especially among other boys, and that physical energy can translate into a kind of psychological boldness.
The average boy’s gifts are wrapped in high activity, impulsivity, and physicality—boy power—and the value of these gifts depends on the teacher, the boy, and the moment. These qualities serve boys beautifully on the playground, where there is room and respect for bold strokes of action and impulse.
In the classroom, however, alongside girls—who are typically more organized, cooperative, and accomplished school learners—those “boy qualities” quickly turn from assets to liabilities.
First, boys mature more slowly than girls. Second, boys are more active and slower to develop impulse control than girls.
“If you start teaching it any earlier, it looks as if all your boys have reading disabilities.” In short, the early age at which we teach reading favors girls, on average, and puts boys at a disadvantage.
The most important thing to remember, the guiding principle, is to try to keep your son’s self-esteem intact while he is in school.
A boy’s most common response to controlling behavior is not to be controlled—to become confrontational or defiant.
A teacher has to deal with boys’ physical activity and disruption without always interpreting this behavior as malevolent or animalistic, because boys turn to activity as an outlet for a host of emotions—especially when their feelings outstrip their language skills or other options.
Nor was it abnormal, antisocial, or fraught with violent psychological undertones.
Every boy likes to fight an enemy; every boy likes to feel that he has allies.
to medicate boys, not just to make them clinically “better,” but to make them better boys.
it is important to think about the boy and his environment as a package.
Boys benefit from the presence of male teachers and authority figures as role models of academic scholarship, professional commitment, moral as well as athletic leadership, and emotional literacy.
From the time a boy is old enough to get around freely, many parents view parenting as a struggle to determine whose will shall prevail.
They can’t “talk about it” because they don’t know how. Instead, they vent their feelings in actions that serve only to further aggravate the parent or teacher.
Almost always, when parents in therapy tell us about their episodes of poor parenting responses, stress is a factor. When parents carry around their own heavy load, they often take it out on their children.
we use harsh discipline, we pass up that “teachable moment”—the window of opportunity for helping boys reflect on their actions and learn a better way.
Good discipline contains a boy and his energy, providing the sense of physical and emotional security he needs in order to learn the larger lessons of self-control and moral behavior. Good discipline is consistent; it provides clear and well-reasoned expectations and firm, compassionate guidance by adults who model the same standards and behavior in their daily interactions with a child and with others. Good discipline engages a child, encourages contact instead of isolation, draws him into discussion instead of sending him away.
“What is it you don’t understand about this rule or don’t agree with?” or “What do you need in order to change this pattern of behavior?”
A common debate in many households is how to counsel a boy who is being harassed by bullies. Mothers take the position that “violence doesn’t solve anything”; fathers have no qualms about telling a ten-year-old son to “punch out” the jerk, acknowledging that the punch might not get rid of the bully—but
The fear of homosexuality imposes a touch taboo that isolates boys physically from the comfort of touch and sexualizes any touching that does come their way. Especially at adolescence, boys feel they’re too old to go to their parents for hugs and kisses,
They keep quiet for a variety of reasons. They fear being victimized again. They don’t want to be responsible for disciplinary actions against other boys.
For too many sons, this emotional breach between them and their fathers remains a lifelong source of sadness, anger, bitterness, or shame.
But this intimate partnership often ends abruptly when the baby comes home and a man is confronted with the intensity of his infant’s needs and his own inexperience as a caregiver.
Even a man who willingly helps with diaper changing and two A.M. feedings still defers to his wife’s presumed expertise whenever a boy is sick or upset, thereby missing an opportunity to form a closer connection with his son.
Without that involvement, men easily slip into the role of “disqualified dad” at home, withdrawing further into work and the good-provider role.
In all arenas of his life, a father’s actions speak more loudly than his words, and a boy is listening carefully to both.
Instead, I asked him, “That was a little scary, wasn’t it, Will?” and he replied, “No, Dad, that was very scary.” Asking a question this way gives a boy permission to express emotional vulnerability.
Typically, dads tend to treat their infant daughters more gently and speak more gently to them. As the children grow, dads roughhouse more with their sons but show less physical affection, correct them more often, and play more competitively with them. With each passing year, a father’s attitude typically becomes more protective of his daughter and more competitive with his son.
Even the most ordinary activities can bring a father and son together in a way that allows them to experience sharing. One man accompanies his young son on “bug walks,” ostensibly looking for insects to study; they routinely return home empty-handed and happy.
This is the fundamental pattern of the relationship between a boy and his mother. He is the explorer; she is his “home base.” Emotionally, as well as physically, throughout his childhood, as a boy explores, he carries the safety and familiarity of his mother with him.
As he grows, a boy must be able to leave his mother without losing her completely and return to her without losing himself.
It is common to regard a mother’s connection to her son as finite, an inevitable casualty of a boy’s growth into manhood.
A mother can experience her son’s first moves toward independence as rejection, but that isn’t what they are. Sam’s mother’s intense effort to hold on to him only made him want more to pull away, and ultimately it damaged their relationship.
“Mother is food; she is love; she is warmth; she is earth. To be loved by her means to be alive, to be at home.”
