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Part of the issue for Anne was that she didn’t recognize that an adolescent bid for autonomy is normal. Teenagers like to “test limits,”
A mother has tremendous psychological power.
The emotional bond a man has with his mother is likely to be the most deeply rooted connection in his life. For many boys she is the only person they can trust.
through simple expressions of caring—listening to him without judging or trying to solve his problem, making his favorite meal, playing his favorite game, chatting about a movie or a book, or surprising him with a gift that has special meaning for him.
“When I realized that all I would ever have was sons, I figured that I needed to get along with whomever you married or I could lose you. You know the old saying: ‘A daughter’s a daughter for all of her life, but a son is a son ’til he marries a wife,’” she said. “I didn’t want that to happen.”
Loren was depressed, and as it does in many boys, his depression presented, not as a sad, down mood, but as irritability.
Symptoms of depression in boys may be hard to read or be missed because the boys often don’t look sad or “depressed.” They look edgy or angry, hostile or defiant.
depression’s theft of an individual’s energy, enthusiasm, pleasure, and hope can be nearly absolute.
Depression can look and feel a lot like grief: days lived in an unrelenting colorlessness.
a depressed person often feels alone and unloved. Depression is often accompanied by guilt, shame, or a sense of unworthiness—that
One of the most challenging statistics about teenagers and depression is that teenage girls attempt suicide more often, by a ratio of about two to one, but many more teenage boys actually end up dead by their own hand.
Give boys permission to have an internal life, approval for the full range of human emotions, and help in developing an emotional vocabulary so that they may better understand themselves and communicate more effectively with others.
“Boys will be open about their feelings if you create a safe environment for it.”
What is a “safe environment,” and how does a parent create one? In a family, anything that is a ritual provides the possibility for emotional “safety” because it is a familiar niche of time—a protected space—in which there is no pressure to perform, no pressure to measure up, and no threat of judgment.
If in that shared time together a parent communicates openness, acceptance, and affection, then a boy learns these values of relationship.
As a parent, one of the most important things you can do is talk about an inner life with boys.
Recognize and accept the high activity level of boys and give them safe boy places to express it.
“It is amazing how much work boys will get done when going outside is the reward.”
Boys need space for their jumping, their energy, their exuberance. They need it in school, and they need it at home.
Talk to boys in their language—in a way that honors their pride and their masculinity. Be direct with them; use them as consultants and problem solvers.
Teach boys that emotional courage is courage, and that courage and empathy are the sources of real strength in life.
Boys of all ages need the chance to take care of animals, babies, the needy, older people, the environment.
Use discipline to build character and conscience, not enemies.
The truth is that children who are well disciplined early in life—that is, well guided rather than punished—need less and less overt discipline as they get older.
Here is a boy, seven years after the fact, remembering not being yelled at, remembering not being punished. His speech is a measure of how much boys expect punishment and how transformative reasonable dialogue can be for the vast majority of them.
Model a manhood of emotional attachment.
Boys imitate what ...
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Then recognize and accept that men’s friendships don’t always look the way you might expect them to look,
Teach boys that there are many ways to be a man.
