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Kindle Notes & Highlights
Maximizing a boy’s ability to express his thoughts in words and making him practice expressing himself, especially when it comes to his emotions, can help protect him from acting on impulse.
open boys to their inner world in order that they may learn ways to avoid acting violently.
What is the normal child like? Does he just eat and grow and smile sweetly? No, that is not what he is like. The normal child, if he has confidence in mother and father, pulls out all the stops. In the course of time he tries out his power to disrupt, to destroy, to frighten, to wear down, to waste, to wangle, and to appropriate.… At the start he absolutely needs to live in a circle of love and strength (with consequent tolerance) if he is not to be too fearful of his own thoughts and of his imaginings to make progress in his emotional development.
Give boys permission to have an internal life, approval for the full range of human emotions,
Recognize and accept the high activity level of boys and give them safe boy places to express it.
Talk to boys in their language—in a way that honors their pride and their masculinity. Be direct with them; use them as consultants and problem solvers.
Boys may be reluctant to talk about their feelings, but they love problem solving; they love to be consulted.
“Look, I understand that you don’t want to be here and you don’t believe in this stuff, but I am giving your parents advice on how to manage you and I feel acutely uncomfortable doing it without your input.”
Using a son as a consultant does not mean doing everything he wants. Absolutely not! But it does mean giving him a hearing. It helps if you have been doing it since he was young, because the practice you have shared together of talking, listening, and consulting will have helped your son know what is good judgment and what is not. If you listen to him seriously, he’ll listen to himself seriously.
Teach boys that emotional courage is courage, and that courage and empathy are the sources of real strength in life.
The truth is that children who are well disciplined early in life—that is, well guided rather than punished—need less and less overt discipline as they get older. In our work with troubled boys, we often see the effects of harsh discipline, which are simply more trouble and lasting emotional scars.
