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if the boy feels unfairly assaulted or shamed, the conflict remains alive for him until he resolves the feelings. That may take hours, days, or much longer. The intensity of the harsh discipline will escalate over time.
Semantic learning is the rule-based kind of learning we take away from an experience or from informational resources such as a lecture, an explanation, or a set of directions. Semantic learning gets a real workout in the school setting. Episodic learning is highly sensory, and we tend to remember the experience in terms of its sound, feel, taste, smell, texture, or visual images. If you spend a leisurely afternoon baking cookies with a child, he’s likely to remember the way the heat from the oven fogged the kitchen window or the touch, smell, and taste of the cookies far more vividly than the
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Children are easily frightened by adults and for a long, long time believe what adults tell them, even when adults say irrational or destructive things in moments of anger. Your child does not necessarily know that you’re on edge after a bad day. A child sees only that he displeases you (sometimes innocently).
Chuck had spent his childhood and adolescence getting verbally battered and belittled and sometimes hit. His father never missed a chance to tell him about his failings.
He saw that his sister was good at things but that he was generally useless.
One of the more robust research findings about the lives of men who went on to become violent criminals is that many of them had a history of being raised in a context of harsh, inconsistent discipline.
kindergartners who were spanked at home were more physically aggressive at school. They were much more apt to be bullies.
not all boys who grow up under a parent’s iron fist turn shame into anger and anger into violence. Many turn their shame and anger inward, where it dims their outlook on life and darkens their experience of other, more loving relationships. The sadness reaches into every facet of their lives and tarnishes the emotional potential for even the most ordinary joys and pleasures.
Good discipline contains a boy and his energy, providing the sense of physical and emotional security he needs in order to learn the larger lessons of self-control and moral behavior. Good discipline is consistent; it provides clear and well-reasoned expectations and firm, compassionate guidance by adults who model the same standards and behavior in their daily interactions with a child and with others. Good discipline engages a child, encourages contact instead of isolation, draws him into discussion instead of sending him away. It involves the boy as a consultant.
It may be with straightforward questions, such as, “What is it you don’t understand about this rule or don’t agree with?” or “What do you need in order to change this pattern of behavior?” A parent may simply take into account a son’s individual personality or temperament—consulting reality—to tailor a disciplinary response for the best fit.
Through dialogue a boy can be made to understand the moral content of the expectation.
We strengthen our understanding of him and our relationship with him through conversation that carries no penalties.
It takes a lot more time and effort to spend the hour with your son that he needs than it does to yell at him and then go do your own thing,
Beginning around age ten, as a boy approaches puberty, normal cognitive development makes him more aware of himself and his place in the group and raises the stakes in the many diverse competitions that consume boys:
Many small boys learn to compensate by overachieving, and small men act in ways that suggest that, from early in life, they have had to develop many psychological defenses against the pain of being small and many compensatory mechanisms to make them feel bigger.
Boys fortified by emotional awareness and empathy are less likely to inflict hurt on others and more resilient under the pressure of cruelty that comes their way.
Real friendship means being able to be yourself, to let your guard down, and trust that your friend won’t take advantage of what he knows and use it against you.
When a grown man cries in therapy, it is almost always about his father.
Emotional distance keeps many good men from being better fathers; it doesn’t diminish a son’s desire for connection.
In this study three hundred male executives and midlevel managers were asked what single thing they would have changed about their childhood relationship with their father. The leading response, expressed by a majority of the men, was the wish that they could have been closer to their fathers and that their fathers had expressed more emotion and feeling.
In many instances, a mother simply assumes the role of expert, either by choice or by default.
the way a father behaves during play or shared activities teaches his son how to manage his emotions.
research shows that young boys who are aggressive and are low in prosocial behaviors—meaning they don’t share—have fathers who are more likely to engage in angry exchanges with them, such as yelling back at a son who yells at them.
This recreational disorder seems to offer the developing brain a chance to practice problem solving, critical thinking, and emotional expression in a friendly setting—in short, to play at feelings.
An active, playful father can help his son explore a broad emotional landscape, including showing him how to accept frustration, win and lose graciously, and control his temper.
What really mattered to the boy was not how well or poorly he skied but what his dad thought of him. So it is with most boys in middle childhood: their opinion about whether they are competent depends on how they think their father sees them.
The lesson about emotional honesty that a father teaches by how he responds to his own shortcomings and failures is more important than his
Contrary to some fathers’ fears of creating a “crybaby” by coddling an emotional son, a father who accepts and assists his son in distress helps him grow stronger emotionally.
the ones who are most prone to break down when the going gets tough are those who have been raised with the idea that to admit vulnerability, even to themselves, is to be weak.
Adolescent boys’ observations about life with their fathers confirm what research indicates as significant sources of conflict: competition, criticism, and a lack of understanding. Boys in one study reported that they sought their father’s opinion or advice about practical issues but said they did not feel that their fathers reciprocated, showing any interest in their opinions.
Adolescent boys most enjoyed times when the control of the situation was shared, such as when they were able to teach their fathers something and the fathers were willing to learn.
Both mothers and fathers can feel affronted when a son begins to challenge them, and both can be wounded by negative or confrontational behavior. However, we have seen that mothers most often try to keep repairing the bridge to their sons or find some way to build another bridge. Many fathers react with anger and a desire to regain control.
With each passing year, a father’s attitude typically becomes more protective of his daughter and more competitive with his son.
The consequences of withheld praise or unbridled criticism are deep and lasting.
Simplistic as it may sound, we’ve often observed that just having a ritual activity to share can boost the odds that a father-son relationship will survive the stormy waters of adolescence.
A man who wants a more satisfying relationship with his son can begin to build it in simple but meaningful ways: a bedtime story, a game of catch, a compliment, a smile. The willingness to try is, itself, the start of a new pattern that can replace the disappointment of emotional distance with a legacy of love.
“Mother is food; she is love; she is warmth; she is earth. To be loved by her means to be alive, to be at home.”
At each point a mother must adjust her connection, providing both the emotional grounding and the emotional freedom her son requires in order to grow.
boy needs to feel that his mother has confidence in his ability to manage new experiences.
A mother has tremendous psychological power. The emotional bond a man has with his mother is likely to be the most deeply rooted connection in his life.
For many boys she is the only person they can trust. If a boy doesn’t have that kind of relationship with her, he can suffer a devastating loss.
A mother who enjoyed having brothers growing up may be at ease living with that boy energy in the family again, and the message she communicates to her son is that his activity is understood and he is lovable.
Emotional isolation wears many faces. Sometimes it comes in the guise of anger, sarcasm, or hostility—boys who see almost everyone and everything as unworthy of respect when, really, it’s they who feel worthless.
Boys yearn for emotional connection, but they are allowed very little practice at
Boy Wants to Be Manly Through all of this, a boy wants to live up to the image of competent, independent masculinity he is being sold by his peers and culture.
reason a boy fears dependence on a girl is that he fears her rejection and the pain and humiliation that go with it. A boy’s desire to be powerful isn’t as much about muscle as it is about heart and the fact that if you allow yourself to be dependent on someone—for a smile, for love, for sex, for self-respect—then you can be devastated by her as well.
There are many boys who are prepared for loving, intimate relationships because they have experienced emotional attachment through a loving relationship with a parent, and perhaps they have seen a good marriage in action in their own parents’ relationship.
The majority of boys are not prepared to manage the complexities of a loving relationship because they’ve been shortchanged on the basic skills of emotional literacy: empathy, conscience, the vocabulary for meaningful emotional expression, and the idea that emotional interdependence is an asset—not a liability.
much of boys’ aggressiveness is reactive rather than inborn. That is, a boy perceives a threat of some kind and responds with aggression,
To defuse that anger would be an “inside job”—helping Seth recognize his feelings as anger, track the anger to its source, and develop more successful strategies for coping with those circumstances and managing his feelings.
