Never Eat Alone, Expanded and Updated: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time

by Keith Ferrazzi

What he didn’t understand was that it’s the exercising of equity that builds equity.

Relationships are solidified by trust. Institutions are built on it. You gain trust by asking not what people can do for you, to paraphrase an earlier Kennedy, but what you can do for others.

Each of us is now a brand. Gone are the days where your value as an employee was limited to your loyalty and seniority. Companies use branding to develop strong, enduring relationships with customers. In today’s fluid economy, you must do the same with your network.

“A goal is a dream with a deadline.”

The tool I use is something I call the Relationship Action Plan. The most simple version of the plan is separated into three distinct parts: The first part is devoted to the development of the goals that will help you fulfill your mission. The second part is devoted to connecting those goals to the people, places, and things that will help you get the job done. And the third part helps you determine the best way to reach out to the people who will help you to accomplish your goals. This means choosing a medium to connect, but, more important, it means finding a way to lead with generosity.

In the first section, I list what I’d like to accomplish three years from today. I then work backward in both one-year and three-month increments to develop mid- and short-term goals that will help me reach my mission. Under each time frame, I create an A goal and a B goal that will meaningfully contribute to where I want to be three years from now.

And Dad had taught me that there is genius, even kindness, in being bold.

people with a low tolerance for risk, whose behavior is guided by fear, have a low propensity for success.

Nothing in my life has created opportunity like a willingness to ask, whatever the situation.

Creating an enriching circle of trusted relationships requires one to be out there, in the mix, all the time.

The choice isn’t between success and failure; it’s between choosing risk and striving for greatness, or risking nothing and being certain of mediocrity.

Fear debilitates. Once you realize there’s no benefit to holding back, every situation and every person—no matter how seemingly beyond your reach—becomes an opportunity to succeed.

Make sure you have something to offer when you speak, and offer it with sincerity.

When I call someone directly whom I haven’t spoken with before, I try to call at an unusual time. Someone who is busy is more likely to pick up his own phone at 8:00 A.M. or 6:30 P.M. Plus, he’s probably less stressed out since he’s not facing typical nine-to-five pressures. I called in the early morning, but got Serge’s voice mail. So I left a message: “I just want to reiterate my excitement regarding our meeting. I’ve never heard John talk so flatteringly of a business associate. I understand how busy you must be. I haven’t heard from your administrative assistant, but I’m sure I will. See you soon.” At no point do you want your interactions to become strained. Creating and maintaining a sense of optimism and gentle pressure around the appointment is all part of the dance.

In fifteen seconds, I used my four rules for what I call warm calling: (1) Convey credibility by mentioning a familiar person or institution—in this case, John, Jeff, and WebMD. (2) State your value proposition: Jeff’s new product would help Serge sell his new products. (3) Impart urgency and convenience by being prepared to do whatever it takes whenever it takes to meet the other person on his or her own terms. (4) Be prepared to offer a compromise that secures a definite follow-up at a minimum.

Credibility is the first thing you want to establish in any interaction, and, ultimately, no one will buy from you unless you establish trust. Having a mutual friend or even acquaintance will immediately make you stand out from the other anonymous individuals vying for a piece of someone’s time.

Your e-mail should fit into a single screen. If I have to scroll to get to the point, I’ve already lost interest.

Request fifteen minutes on the phone, not just a vague phone call. Offer suggested dates and times, not just “a meeting sometime.” Short-circuit the process as much as you can, and don’t make them guess what you’re looking for.

In building a network, remember: Above all, never, ever disappear. Keep your social and conference and event calendars full. As an up-and-comer, you must work hard to remain visible and active among your ever-budding network of friends and contacts.

My point is, behind any successful person stands a long string of failures. But toughness and tenacity like Lincoln’s can overcome these setbacks. Lincoln knew the only way to gain ground, to move forward, to turn his goals into reality, was to learn from his setbacks, to stay engaged, and to press on!

Fifteen minutes and a cup of coffee. It’s quick, it’s out of the office, and it’s a great way to meet someone new.

Make sure you lay out very clearly why those fifteen minutes will be valuable to them.

A quick early breakfast, lunch, drinks after work, or dinner together.

Volunteering. Work with an organization to create a day of service that can involve five to ten volunteers, or pull together a team to join a charity walk.

The fact is, most people don’t follow up very well, if at all. Good follow-up alone elevates you above 95 percent of your peers.

Give yourself between twelve and twenty-four hours after you meet someone to follow up. If you meet somebody on a plane, send them an e-mail later that day. If you meet somebody over cocktails, send them an e-mail the next morning. For random encounters and chance meetings, e-mail is a fine tool for dropping a quick note to say, “It was a pleasure meeting you. We must keep in touch.”

Study after study shows that the more speeches one gives, the higher one’s income bracket tends to be.

I try to find out what motivations drive that person. It often comes down to one of three things: making money, finding love, or changing the world. You laugh—most people do when confronted with the reality of their deepest desires.

Business is, after all, the ability to motivate a group of individuals to move an idea from concept to reality, to take a theory and make it a practice, to gain the buy-in of your employees and colleagues, to encourage others to execute your plans.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

When you help someone through a health issue, positively impact someone’s personal wealth, or take a sincere interest in their children, you engender life-bonding loyalty.

Give to Givers: Smart givers recognize takers and are cautious about giving to them, preferring to focus their efforts on those who might pay it forward. • Feed Your Network First: They channel giving to bolster their social ties—in other words, they are aware of the need to nurture their own networks.

People you’re contacting to create a new relationship need to see or hear your name in at least three modes of communication—by, say, an e-mail, a phone call, and a face-to-face encounter—before there is substantive recognition. • Once you have gained some early recognition, you need to nurture a developing relationship with a phone call or e-mail at least once a month. • If you want to transform a contact into a friend, you need a minimum of two face-to-face meetings out of the office. • Maintaining a secondary relationship requires two to three pings a year.

Quickly audit your news feed, and whatever else is on your “daily read.” Is there diversity of background, profession, location, age, and ethnicity? If not, pull some of your network’s outlying relationships to the fore.

Study the blogs, books, and trade media of interesting professionals and leaders in other fields to see what’s working for them—and then consciously think about how you can apply their ideas to your challenges.

GENEROSITY + VULNERABILITY + ACCOUNTABILITY + CANDOR = TRUST

Dan Pink, in his book To Sell Is Human, tells us that the best subject lines tease one of two human needs: Utility or Curiosity. Either they clearly state the usefulness (“How to Fine-Tune Your E-Mail Subject Lines and Get Read”) or they set up an intriguing mystery that clicking will solve (“You Won’t Believe What I Did to Get My E-Mail Read”).

Virtually everyone new you meet in a situation is asking themselves a variation on one question: “Would I want to spend an hour eating lunch with this person?”

1. Get out in front and analyze the trends and opportunities on the cutting edge. Foresight gives you and your company the flexibility to adapt to change. Creativity allows you to take advantage of it.

2. Ask seemingly stupid questions. If you ask questions that are like no other, you get results that are unlike any that the world has seen. How many people have the courage to ask those questions? The answer: all the people responsible for the greatest innovations.

3. Know yourself and your talents.

I’d apply the 80/20 rule, in that you should spend some time getting better at your weaknesses but really focus on building your strengths.

4. Always learn. You have to learn more to earn more.

5. Stay healthy.

As hectic as my schedule can get, I never miss a workout (five times a week). I try to take a five-day vacation every other month (I do check e-mails and catch up on reading).

6. Expose yourself to unusual experiences.

Different experiences give rise to different tools.

7. Don’t get discouraged.

8. Know the new technology.

9. Develop a niche.