Never Eat Alone, Expanded and Updated: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time

by Keith Ferrazzi

I watched how the people who had reached professional heights unknown to my father and mother helped one another. They found one another jobs, they invested time and money in one another’s ideas, and they made sure their kids got help getting into the best schools, got the right internships, and ultimately got the best jobs.

She provided me with a simple but profound lesson about the power of generosity. When you help others, they often help you. “Reciprocity” is the gussied-up word people use later in life to describe this ageless principle. I just knew the word as “care.” We cared for each other, so we went out of our way to do nice things.

I learned that real networking was about finding ways to make other people more successful. It was about working hard to give more than you get.

Until you become as willing to ask for help as you are to give it, however, you are only working half the equation.

“Hey, Ray. Who do you know in the entertainment world that I can talk to for some advice about breaking into the industry? You know any people who’d be open for a short lunch?”

He saw every social encounter in terms of diminishing returns. For him, there was only so much goodwill available in a relationship and only so much collateral and equity to burn. What he didn’t understand was that it’s the exercising of equity that builds equity. That’s the big “aha” that David never seemed to have learned.

Bottom line: It’s better to give before you receive. And never keep score. If your interactions are ruled by generosity, your rewards will follow suit.

But the key is to make setting goals a habit. If you do that, goal setting becomes a part of your life. If you don’t, it withers and dies.

“A goal is a dream with a deadline.” That marvelous definition drives home a very important point. Before you start writing down your goals, you’d better know what your dream is. Otherwise, you might find yourself headed for a destination you never wanted to get to in the first place.

Have you ever sat down and thought seriously about what you truly love? What you’re good at? What you want to accomplish in life? What are the obstacles that are stopping you? Most people don’t. They accept what they “should” be doing, rather than take the time to figure out what they want to be doing.

When I’m in the right frame of mind, I start to create a list of dreams and goals. Some are preposterous; others are overly pragmatic. I don’t attempt to censor or edit the nature of the list—I put anything and everything down. Next to that first list, I write down in a second column all the things that bring me joy and pleasure: the achievements, people, and things that move me. The clues can be found in the hobbies you pursue and the magazines, movies, and books you enjoy. Which activities excite you the most, where you don’t even notice the hours that pass? When I’m done, I start to connect these two lists, looking for intersections, that sense of direction or purpose. It’s a simple exercise, but the results can be profound.

Next, ask the people who know you best what they think your greatest strengths and weaknesses are. Ask them what they admire about you and what areas you may need help in.

The tool I use is something I call the Relationship Action Plan. The most simple version of the plan is separated into three distinct parts: The first part is devoted to the development of the goals that will help you fulfill your mission. The second part is devoted to connecting those goals to the people, places, and things that will help you get the job done. And the third part helps you determine the best way to reach out to the people who will help you to accomplish your goals. This means choosing a medium to connect, but, more important, it means finding a way to lead with generosity.

In the first section, I list what I’d like to accomplish three years from today. I then work backward in both one-year and three-month increments to develop mid- and short-term goals that will help me reach my mission. Under each time frame, I create an A goal and a B goal that will meaningfully contribute to where I want to be three years from now.

Right now, there are countless ways you can begin to create the kind of community that can help further your career. You can: (1) create a company-approved project that will force you to learn new skills and introduce you to new people within your company; (2) take on leadership positions in the hobbies and outside organizations that interest you; (3) join your local alumni club and spend time with people who are doing the jobs you’d like to be doing; (4) enroll in a class at a community college on a subject that relates to either the job you’re doing now or a job you see yourself doing in the future.

There are a number of things that you can do to harness the power of your preexisting network. Have you investigated the friends and contacts of your parents? How about your siblings? Your friends from college and grad school? What about your church, bowling league, or gym? How about your doctor or lawyer or Realtor or broker?

Focus on your immediate network: friends of friends, old acquaintances from school, and family. I suspect you’ve never asked your cousins, brothers, or brothers-in-law if they know anyone whom they could introduce you to to help fulfill your goals.

The choice isn’t between success and failure; it’s between choosing risk and striving for greatness, or risking nothing and being certain of mediocrity.

When you feel up to it, become one of the leaders of the group. This last step is crucial. Being a leader in life takes practice—so practice! The possibilities for making new contacts and reaching out to others will grow and grow.

Use an open-ended question. A request that is expressed as a question—one that cannot be answered by a yes or no—is less threatening. How do you feel about this? How can we solve this problem?

A master politician like Winston Churchill planned his public encounters in the same way. Churchill today is known as an oratory genius, master of the art of repartee—the kind of fantastic dinner guest who captures everyone’s undivided attention. What is less known—but which Churchill acknowledged in his own writing—is the blood, sweat, and tears of preparation that went into the making of a single sentence or the delivery of a clever joke.

“The problem isn’t information overload, it’s filter failure.” Our challenge these days is to figure out, in the mass of contacts we’ve collected, which ones matter.

To create excitement around our product, I wrote down a list of people I called “influentials”: the early adopters, journalists, and industry analysts who help spread the initial buzz about a product or service. Next, I made a list of potential customers, potential acquirers, and people who might be interested in funding us down the road. (In creating your own categories, each should correspond to your own goals.) When you make such lists, it’s important you name the actual decision makers, and not just an organization. The point here is to have a readily accessible and specific list of names.

Take the time to list people such as: Relatives Friends of relatives All your spouse’s relatives and contacts Current colleagues Members of professional and social organizations Current and former customers and clients Parents of your children’s friends Neighbors, past and present People you went to school with People you have worked with in the past People in your religious congregation Former teachers and employers People you socialize with People who provide services to you People with whom you interact on Facebook Other online connections in social

LinkedIn now lets you aggregate contacts whether they’re LinkedIn members or not, and then see your communications with them across all major platforms. Very useful. I then create call sheets by region, listing the people I know and those I want to know. A variety of contact aggregators make it easy to sort your lists.

In fifteen seconds, I used my four rules for what I call warm calling: (1) Convey credibility by mentioning a familiar person or institution—in this case, John, Jeff, and WebMD. (2) State your value proposition: Jeff’s new product would help Serge sell his new products. (3) Impart urgency and convenience by being prepared to do whatever it takes whenever it takes to meet the other person on his or her own terms. (4) Be prepared to offer a compromise that secures a definite follow-up at a minimum.

Now, you have to work hard to be successful at reaching out to others, but that doesn’t mean you have to work long. There is a difference.

I had two days, three people I wanted to see, and only one available time slot to see them all. How do you manage a situation like this? I “cloned” the dinner and invited all of them to join me. Each would benefit from knowing the others, and I’d be able to catch up with all of them and perhaps even get some creative input about the new TV show.

I’m constantly looking to include others in whatever I’m doing. It’s good for them, good for me, and good for everyone to broaden their circle of friends. Sometimes I’ll take potential employees for a workout and conduct the interview over a run. As a makeshift staff meeting, I’ll occasionally ask a few employees to share a car ride with me to the airport.

If I’m meeting someone whom I don’t know that well, I might invite someone I do know just to make sure the meeting does not become a waste of time. My mentees, for instance, get a special kick out of sitting in on such meetings—and it can be a great learning opportunity.

Make a list of the things you’re most passionate about. Use your passions as a guide to which activities and events you should be seeking out. Use them to engage new and old contacts. If you love baseball, for example, take potential and current clients to a ball game, or invite them to join you in a fantasy league.

Good follow-up alone elevates you above 95 percent of your peers. The follow-up is the hammer and nails of your networking tool kit. In fact, FOLLOW-UP IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS IN ANY FIELD.

In his follow-up, he always reiterates the commitments everyone has made, and asks when a second follow-up meeting can be arranged. When the other person has agreed to do something, whether it’s meeting for coffee next time you’re in town or signing a major deal, try to get it in writing.

But remember—and this is critical—don’t remind them of what they can do for you; instead, focus on what you might be able to do for them. It’s about giving them a reason to want to follow up.

Here are a few more reminders of what to include in your follow-ups: • Always express your gratitude. • Be sure to include an item of interest from your meeting or conversation—a joke or a shared moment of humor. • Reaffirm whatever commitments you both made—going both ways. • Be brief and to the point. • Always address the thank-you note to the person by name. • Use e-mail and snail mail. The combination adds a personalized touch. • After e-mailing, send requests to connect through social media. • Timeliness is key. Send them as soon as possible after the meeting or interview. • Many people wait until the holidays to say thank you or reach out. Why wait? Your follow-ups will be timelier, more appropriate, and certainly better remembered. • Don’t forget to follow up with those who have acted as the go-between for you and someone else. Let the original referrer know how the conversation went, and express your appreciation for their help.

Study after study shows that the more speeches one gives, the higher one’s income bracket tends to be.

Guerrilla Warfare: Organize a Conference Within a Conference True commandos aren’t restricted by the agenda that they receive at registration. Who says you can’t arrange your own dinner while at the conference, or put together an informal discussion on a particular topic that matters to you?

Ideally, you’d like to invite a stable of speakers to your dinner, which will provide a star-studded draw to your little event. Remember, even an unknown becomes a mini-star after his or her talk at an event.

the conference is in your hometown, be bold enough to invite people to your home for a real treat,

There’s no reason why you can’t take the lead in developing your own personal tour or visit to an out-of-the-way place that convention organizers might not have thought about.

You must remember to talk with speakers before they’ve hit the stage.

In two minutes, you need to look deeply into the other person’s eyes and heart, listen intently, ask questions that go beyond just business, and reveal a little about yourself in a way that introduces some vulnerability (yes, vulnerability; it’s contagious!) into the interaction. All these things come together to create a genuine connection.

With a name as big as Diller, sometimes the bump can’t be as deep as you’d like. Still, with limited time I managed to gain credibility by dropping a familiar and trusted name, show a bit of vulnerability in admitting I admired his career, and suggest I had value to offer with my ideas. That bump went on to realize a job offer and introductions within his company that are still important to my business today.

“Enter the room. Step to the right. Survey the room. See who is there. You want other people to see you.”

Hey Carla, Wow, what a fun time. I didn’t expect tequila shots to be a part of the Forbes CIO conference. We definitely have to make this an annual occurrence. Hey, I also wanted to follow up with our discussion on your marketing strategy and your interest in the Ferrazzi Greenlight loyalty strategy work we’ve done as a way to help reach your adult women demographic. When can you do a call this week, or at your leisure? Also, I wanted to say that I heard no fewer than three separate people talk about your session and what a great speaker you were. Congrats! Best, Keith

When in a new city, I generally ask people to give me a list of a few of the hottest (and most established) restaurants. I like to call ahead and ask to speak with the owner (though the maître d’ will do) and tell them that I go out regularly, sometimes in large parties, and I’m looking for a new place to entertain, a lot!

I keep a file of headhunters: who they are and what they’re looking for. And I return every call from them, helping to tap my network to find people for their jobs. I know they’ll help me with access to some of their clients when I need their help. After all, they are in the networking business!

connect with the connectors.

Two quick rules of thumb: 1. You and the person you are sharing contacts with must be equal partners who give as much as you get. 2. You must be able to trust your partners because, after all, you’re vouching for them, and their behavior with your network is a reflection on you.

So what should your objective be in making small talk? Good question. The goal is simple: Start a conversation, keep it going, create a bond, and leave with the other person thinking, “I dig that person,” or whatever other generational variation of that phrase you want to use.