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CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX December 2019 to January 2020 Days 872–901 of 1,095
“Yeah, but wouldn’t it make more sense if I moved back in with you and Maisie? I could take her to school and pick her up. Bring her to her after-school stuff. Make dinner. Make your life easier.” “No. That’s not happening.” “It would just be for convenience’s sake. I can sleep on the couch.”
“You shopping around for someone else, Em? Swiping right to find my replacement?” I can hear myself being an asshole, but I’m not yet
My probation officer will drug-test me regularly and will have
the power to send me back here if I test positive, but that’s not going to happen! Once I’m out of here, I’m never coming back.
I’ve been gone from her life for so long. But it’s painful, too, and it’s hard not to resent Emily for keeping her from me. Does she have any memory of
“Corby, I never would have brought her here without permission,” she says. “Emily had planned a weekend getaway in Boston with some of her teacher girlfriends. Betsy was going to babysit, but she came down with a bad cold, so I volunteered. I got one of the
To consider that she may not have been withholding my daughter to punish me, but to make sure her only living child stays away from a potentially dangerous place that houses dangerous people.
It kills me to write this, please know that, but I think I can admit to myself now that, other than legally, our marriage ended a while ago. That day on the phone when I was pushing for a reconciliation,
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN January and February 2020 Days 914–17 of 920
It’s Friday, January thirty-first, four days until my release.
And his name was Niko, Dad. He was a beautiful little boy, not just a “terrible outcome.” You might have gotten a kick out of him, maybe even loved him, if you’d bothered to see him and his sister more than once. Your loss, Dad.
His letter is such a total mindfuck that I sit here, stunned. How do I feel? How am I supposed to feel? What’s my relationship with him supposed to be like
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT February 2020 Days 918–20 of 920
my mind going in a hundred different directions. And let’s not forget the individual who may end up paying the highest price of all—Niko’s twin sister, Maisie… You ain’t turning me into your Uncle Remus or your magical Negro!… You’re the baby killer, right?… Code Purple! Building B, first floor!… Seeing the loving way you interacted with your wife and children made me feel jealous of you.… Mind-body. Mind-body. Mind-body.… You’ve gotten too involved with that kid.… There’s a salt shaker missing. You swipe that, Ledbetter?… So let’s go with the Klonopin then. Sound good?… We have this big blank
...more
Then there she is. And my God, here comes Emily, too. The doors of both cars swing open and they get out, hug, talk. Maisie’s running circles around her mother and grandmother, catching snowflakes on her tongue.
Ostertag’s the one who answers. “You’re not getting out, Ledbetter. Not today anyway. Your urine’s dirty.” I shake my head. “No, it’s not. It can’t be. I swear to God I’m clean!”
take a swing at him, but it misses and clips Stickley instead. I’m grabbed and slammed to the floor on my back, Ostertag’s breath blasting in my face. Wrenching
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE February 2020 Day 923 of 1,095
How long was I in seg?” “Seventy-two hours,” she says.
And okay, full disclosure: when I said I hadn’t taken anything for fourteen days? I took a couple of pills during that time because my symptoms were coming back a little.” “A couple? How many is that?” “Three, I think. Maybe four. But not right near the end. And not enough for me to have tested positive.” When she asks whether Blankenship told me about the “half-life” of drugs in the benzodiazepine family, I shake my head. “I’m guessing that’s why you tested positive. You rolled the dice and the Klonopin was taking its sweet time leaving
your system. I think you need to own up to it, Corby. This is on you.” I turn away from her. “Which makes me a fucking loser, doesn’t it? For almost three years I’ve tried so hard
“My wife’s probably saying to herself, ‘Our son’s death wasn’t incentive enough for him to stay clean?’ And now I’m probably going to lose my daughter, too, because I flunked a fucking pee test.” “It’s not about the pee test,” she says. “That could have been straightened out in a few days. This is about assault and battery. You took a swing at one officer and broke the nose of another.” “Jesus, her nose got broken?”
When her phone rings, she answers it and, while she’s talking, it hits me that what’s happened this week is the opposite of what was supposed to happen: Piccardy and Anselmo are out of here but I’m not.
self-sabotage has landed me back here with him for who knows how long.
flash back to what happened in that storage room. You enjoy that, Ledbetter? You want some more?… Better not make threats you can’t prove, baby killer. You see anyone who can back up your bullshit? And what happened because of that assault and the threats they made if I were to say anything. Benzodiazepines aren’t magic, but they can help to take the edge off, and the effect kicks in pretty quickly.…
“Hello, Corby,” she says. “Oh, hey. Thanks for taking the call. I wasn’t sure you would.” “I only picked up because I need to tell you something. I’m through. I can’t do this anymore. Don’t call here again.”
I going to have to fight her to get visits
with my daughter? I will if I have to. If they’ll even grant them to me.
the sad truth that Bruegel painted and Auden wrote about: that to live means to suffer, then to die alone. At first, I don’t know where the strange sound
“I’ve lost everything! She’s finished with me and she’s going to keep Maisie from me, too!… I didn’t tell that doctor I was a benzo addict because I wanted those pills! Needed them! They warned me that if I said anything, they’d do it again.… And I was weak and scared and I just
needed a way to block what they did from my mind and get some sleep! And now I’ve lost everything! Everything! It was a setup. Anselmo rammed that aluminum baton into me and Piccardy came out of nowhere and laughed. They raped me, Manny! They fucking raped me!”
PART FOUR: Butterfly Boy
CHAPTER FORTY Dr. Patel June 2020
I was struck by his resemblance to Corby Ledbetter. Perhaps that’s why I dreamed about Corby. Of course he’d be on my mind. I learned just yesterday that he died in prison, a victim of the coronavirus.
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE Emily June 2023
I’m living at a halfway house until Parole says I can leave the state. They have a computer in the office here that we can use. I got your address off of Google. I hope we can meet somewhere and talk. Corby’s death hit me hard. I have things I need to tell you about that you might not know. I feel like I owe it to him. I also have a few things of his that I would like you to have.
We could meet here where I live. Or I might be able to get a ride to your house if that’s more conveniant easier. Or I could meet you at the Westfarms mall. I work at Cinnabon there and get off at 4 p.m. If you want to get together and talk, the main number at Phoenix House is 860-229-5240. Have them ring the second floor. The phone’s in the hallway, so it might be a while before someone picks up. Say you want to speak to Manny in room 4. I hope to hear from you soon.
I’ve struggled for more than two years to move on from Corby’s death, and things have been going so well with Bryan that I’ve accepted his proposal.
the following week, my anger and disappointment had subsided and I was ready to talk again. But he didn’t call; he took me at my word. And then he got sick and died, no more words exchanged
“No, nothing. It’s just that I’ve known a lot of addicts. Been in relationships with a couple of them. And even if they hide what they’re doing, they usually give themselves away in one way or another.”
I’d give anything to be able to take back that last conversation we had. Every time I think about it, I’m filled with regret and shame. But still, prescription
it’s gay for the stay and straight at the gate.
8:00 a.m., Saturday, October 21, 2023 It’s a beautiful, breezy fall morning. The
Engaged now to Bryan and pregnant with his child, I still haven’t been able to let go of the guilt
that some kids are content not to run with the herd.
