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Halla of Rutger’s Howe had just inherited a great deal of money and was therefore spending her evening trying to figure out how to kill herself.
“I am the servant of the sword,” he said. “I obey the will of the—great god, woman, put on some clothes!”
OMFG
Why does a sword need a sword?
I’ll not have any woman under my protection killing herself!”
“Alver wouldn’t please anyone. He’s got clammy hands.” “The great god save us.” Sarkis raised his eyes, presumably to heaven. “Death is too good for such a creature.” Halla was fairly sure that he was making fun of her.
He’s so fucking funny 😂
“I shall not be wielded by a man with clammy hands!”
BYE 💀
Halla had tried to love her and then had tried to like her, and then had tried to be dutiful and compliant, and finally had settled for not being too obviously relieved when the woman had dropped dead.
Sarkis began muttering savagely under his breath. He didn’t look at her while he did it. “What are you saying?” she asked. “I’m counting,” he said, with marvelous patience. “Why?” “So I don’t scream at you. My lady.”
😂😂😂
“Are you asking me if I think I can fight one guard and a group of elderly women with embroidery hooks?”
HE IS SO FUNNY 😂😂😂
Sarkis turned around and began to beat his forehead very gently against the wall. “The great god is punishing me,” he said softly, “for my crimes. I cannot go to his hell, and so he has sent a woman to torment me.”
I fucking love him 😂🤚🏼
“Sorcerer-smith,” he said, dropping her hand. “Forge the sword, quench the steel in the blood of the one you wish to bind.”
Sarkis shook his head in disgust. “She could fight him without my help.”
LMAO
“I am Sarkis of the Weeping Lands!” roared the servant of the sword, in a voice loud enough to shake the walls. “And you are in my way!”
“It is so gratifying when that works,” murmured Sarkis. “Does it not usually work?” “Not on actual warriors, no.” He started down the steps, one hand gripping Halla’s.
I love Sarkis already.
“I knew it!” cried Aunt Malva. She held a candle in her hand, casting shaky yellow light across the scene. “I knew I heard a man in your room, Halla!” “He’s not a man! He’s a sword!” “I am actually both,” said Sarkis, sounding somewhat apologetic. “First one, then the other.” “Sorry. No offense meant. It seems very complicated.”
BYE 😂💀
“Sarkis, is beheading just a mortal wound?” “What?” “I thought—” “Great god’s breath, not now!”
HALLA YOU HAVE TERRIBLE TIMING
“Are you all right?” she said. “I fell on you.” “I fear that I am going to have to kill your aunt’s hireling.” “Go right ahead.”
I love them
“I suppose you’d object to actually setting part of the town on fire?” Sarkis asked. “I most certainly would!” “Pity.”
Dude!
“I am not kneeling in the dirt here for my health.” “I don’t want to hurt you, though.” “I could throw you over the wall instead.” “Could you?” “I am considering it very strongly.”
The banter!!
“Not much cover, either.” “Well, no, but if we can get over the hill, we’ll be up against another hill and there’s rocks on that hill. Are rocks cover?” “Rocks are cover.”
Halla is a dingbat in the best way possible
“I’m not a lady,” she said wearily. “Gentleman, then?”
Smartass
“I’m not completely useless, you know,” she said, picking at her skirts. There was a long silence, and then out of the dark, his voice said, “I never thought you were.” She was glad that he couldn’t see her blush.
My heart!
Jewel tones, he thought absently. Deep red, dark green. Perhaps warm browns. Yes, thinking about what colors would suit her is an even more useful thought. Has being in the blade addled your wits at last? Well, something better than black, anyway, he argued with himself. Black is not a good color on her.
Oh he’s already got feels
Traveling. I am a traveler. I will look back on this someday and be worldly and jaded—“Oh, yes, my dears, I was a great traveler when I was middle-aged. I saw many exotic hedgerows and was manhandled into ditches all across this great land.”
I love her inner monologue lol
The urge flared again to go after the people who had done this and kill them. Or possibly just burn the entire world that was so unkind to people like Halla.
MY HEART
“I’m sorry,” she said again. He kissed her forehead. “You don’t have to be. They’re the ones who did wrong, not you.” Now why in the great god’s name did I just do that?
GAH I LOVE HIM
Halla collapsed onto it and made a distinctly unladylike noise of relief. “I once heard a yak make a sound like that,” said Sarkis. “Are you comparing me to a yak?” She heard the thump as he set her pack down and a rattling as he checked the doors. “It was merely an observation. My lady.” Halla couldn’t be bothered to lift her head. Every muscle in her body was trying to unknot at once. “I’m sure I’d be a very good yak.” She could hear the smile in his voice. “You’d be the best of yaks.”
They’re so fucking cute omfg
“It’s been a few years since my physique struck women speechless,” he said, slapping his belly. “Several hundred, at least. But I didn’t think it was that bad.”
Omg this man
“Can your husband not speak for himself?” “I can,” said Sarkis. “Then why don’t you?” “My wife talks enough for both of us.”
“The blessings of the Mother upon you,” said the priest, climbing into the saddle. He did not sound as if he meant it. “Oh, thank you!” said Halla. “That’s better than cauliflower!” “Wife,” said Sarkis, putting his arm around her, “quit your nattering about vegetables. These are busy men, and we have detained them too long with your foolishness.”
OMFG LMAO
“You’re not stupid,” said Sarkis, remembering that she’d said something similar a few days ago. At the time, he had disagreed with her mostly out of courtesy, but he was beginning to suspect that Halla was in some ways much sharper than he had realized. “I try not to be. Except when I am trying very hard to convince someone that I am.” She grinned abruptly. Her grin made his stomach turn over rather oddly, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about that.
They’re so sweet
Sarkis liked watching her. She waved her hands a lot and her face was never still. It was an odd performance to find pleasure in, perhaps, but he found himself wanting to smile. He scowled fiercely to prevent any trace from escaping.
He’s so down bad already
He did wonder how Halla had managed to be married for so long and still retain the ability to blush so fiercely. He also wondered how far down that blush went. Part of him would very much like to find out.
One of the grimmer realizations of Sarkis’s youth had been the discovery that knowing you were being an ass did not actually stop you from continuing to be an ass.
“But are you telling me that my sword is full of shit?”
LMAO
“You’ve got a rather large sword for a woman,” said Scar, looking over at her. “Yes, but I’m told it’s not the size of the sword that matters,” said Halla. She frowned. “Although my husband used to say that, and do you know, he never told me what it meant?”
“I am going to compile a book,” said Zale. “Wit and Wisdom of Mistress Halla. With occasional interjections by Ser Sarkis of the Weeping Lands and Brindle the Gnole.” “Humans talk too much,” said Brindle. “There’s a wisdom for a human’s book, rat-priest.” “That probably deserves its own chapter.”
“And if one of those things lands on you, then what? I’ll be trying to defend you from a pile of jelly.” Halla scowled, but had to admit he had a point. “Do you think it would have done something bad?” “I think when a pile of flying slime lands on you and tries to crawl inside your mouth, it probably doesn’t have your best interests at heart.”
“A gnole really doesn’t like these Hills.” “A human isn’t too thrilled with them, either,” Halla assured him. “Humans can’t smell, but a fish-lady isn’t completely hopeless.” Halla decided that was a compliment, probably.
“Farms are far more alarming places than I realized,” said Zale. “You should see when it’s time to slaughter the chickens.” “I pray you, do not tell me about the running around with the head cut off. I am aware that they do that, and I would like to not think about it ever again.” “See, I just kill humans,” said Sarkis. “And once I kill them, they don’t run around or anything. That’s civilized.”
LMAO
I’m going to die without ever telling Sarkis that I … what? I want him? I love him? Do I love him?
YES YOU DO
It would be incredibly stupid to turn to him right now and tell him that I was hopelessly in love with him.
LMAO
“The Hills turned us around,” said Halla. “They let us go.” “A gnole will believe it when a gnole sees it,” muttered Brindle. Twenty minutes later, he believed it.
At least I was over forty when I died. Back when I was eighteen, I could get turned on by a stiff breeze, and that would have been a hell of a way to spend eternity.
BYE 💀😂 I can’t with you sir
Halla laughed from her perch on the wagon seat. Sarkis knew that it wasn’t a sexy laugh, it was neither low nor throaty nor any of the things that men generally liked in women’s laughter, but that didn’t matter. It was sexy because Halla was the one doing it, and he was hopelessly enamored. Befuddled. Something. There were words in the language of the Weeping Lands, but none of them translated quite correctly.
🥹😭
“Stand and deliver!” someone shouted from the trees. “We can’t stand!” Halla shouted back. “You’re shooting at us! If you’d stop shooting, it’d be different!” Sarkis rubbed his face. This was not the thing to shout at highwaymen.
Good god I love her 😂😂😂
“Oh gods,” said Halla involuntarily. “You again!” “That’s her,” said Mina to the leader of the highwaymen. The woman’s eyes were as cold as frost on a windowpane. “That’s the one who makes people invisible.”
HUH
“Sir,” he said. “We can’t find hide nor hair of the other one.” “Because he’s invisible!” yelled Mina. “Because you shot him, so he ran away!” Halla yelled back.
Girl bye 😂
“Do you know,” he said, “this is not the way that I pictured this going?” “Oh, I get that a lot.” He actually winced. “Um,” said Halla. “I’m sorry?” Zale nudged her. “You don’t have to apologize to someone who’s kidnapped you,” they muttered. “Oh.” That did make sense, but apologizing was ingrained in Halla’s nature.
I’m so glad she has Zale to help her break that habit 🥺👉🏼👈🏼
“What do we do?” Zale gave her an ironic look. “I have no idea. I’ve never actually been kidnapped and tied up before. This is a new experience for me.” “Oh. Really? Because you seemed to be handling it really well, so I thought you must have done it before.”
BYE 😂
