Swordheart (Swordheart, #1)

by T. Kingfisher

“Oh dear,” said Halla, to no one in particular. “I hope his arrow wound is healed up.” She was aware that this was probably not the right response, given that there were now a great many dead people in front of her. She should be horrified. She should scream her head off. But mostly she was just enormously relieved to see Sarkis again.

The comedic writing is TOP TIER

The man was a hero. These were just decadent southern bandits and anyway he was nearly immortal, so as long as she didn’t have the poor taste to die in the interim, he would come for her and Zale. She had faith.

Sarkis had a good deal less faith, but then again, he was the one doing most of the work.

LMAO DUDE

He looked swiftly around and saw that it was far darker than it had been. Hours had passed while he was inside the sword. If hours had passed, then Halla could have been hurt. Not killed—he’d know that immediately—but tortured or terrified or god forbid, one of the bandits had taken liberties, and if they had, Sarkis would carve out that man’s heart and place it at her feet.

What a man 👏🏼🥵

Invisibility? What? “I told you! Wonderworkers!” She was clearly raving with fever or shock or drink, so Sarkis simply smacked the pommel of his sword against the side of her head and let her drop. Such a blow might prove fatal, of course, but it was certainly preferable to decapitation. Anyway, it was bad luck to kill drunks.

Mina can go to hell 💀

“Your sister screws wolves because the men of your clan have dicks the size of grass blades!”

Sarkis grabbed Halla’s hands, sliced through the ropes, pulled her upright, and said the first thing which came into his head, which was, “We are never going down this stretch of road again! Never! I do not care if we must go a month out of our way and bribe three kingdoms for passage!” Halla blinked at him. “Um, we could just take the north road up past the sheep downs next time?” “Yes!” roared Sarkis “We will do that!” She nodded. He nodded. Great god. He wrapped his arms tightly around her. He wanted very much to kiss her, but he stopped himself. This far was safe. A friend might embrace her like this, particularly after a frightening experience. A friend would not have had his lips pressed so tightly against her hair, but she could not see that and did not have to know. His heart hammered in his ears so loudly that it seemed like she had to be able to hear it, but perhaps a friend would feel that, too.

Except you’re not friends 😍😘 JUST KISS HER ALREADY

“I knew you wouldn’t let anything happen to us.” Sarkis stared into her face and saw that she was telling the absolute truth. She trusts you. She trusts you to keep her safe.

He turned to Halla and she wasn’t there. His nerves screamed, but she was stepping over dead bodies, nose wrinkled, to their gear. As he watched, she picked up his sword and slung it over her shoulder, then carefully lifted Zale’s crossbow and held it at arm’s length, like it was a snake that might bite. “This thing isn’t loaded, is it?” “No,” said Zale. “You can tell by the lack of bolts and the fact that the string isn’t pulled back. Sarkis, forget my ropes, go take my crossbow away from her before she hurts it.” “I’m not going to hurt it!” “Just don’t … you know, drop it or … breathe on it too hard…” Zale rested their forehead against Sarkis’s shoulder in apparent despair.

I love her 😭😂💀🤚🏼

He took a step toward her, and then another, and then they were entirely too close and she thought for a moment that he might kiss her again. She wouldn’t have minded. She could feel the heat radiating off his body in the cold air and see the starlight outlining his face. Instead he took a deep breath through his nose and turned away, shouting for Zale to tell them how much longer they would be on this blasted road.

NOOOOOO GODDAMNIT

“He’s overfond of bloodshed, and I am overfond of him and—” She put her hand over her mouth, both horrified and relieved that she’d said it out loud. Oh gods, oh gods, I shouldn’t have said that, but it was right there in my mouth like I’ve been wanting to say it, oh gods …

Oh boy 🥹

“I can keep house for an eccentric old man and keep a farm running on the edge of disaster. I can nurse someone dying of fever. It’s just my luck I’d end up with one that doesn’t need any of those things.” She expected the very sensible priest of the very sensible god to agree with her. Sensibly. Instead, Zale tilted their head, a small smile on their lips. “Perhaps that’s why you like him. It must be very dreary, being needed all the time.” “Oh gods,” Halla heard herself say. “Oh gods, you have no idea.”

🥹👉🏼👈🏼

“Is your order sworn to celibacy?” “Oh dear sweet Rat,” said Zale. “Are you propositioning me?” “No!” And then, because his haste might have been a trifle insulting, “Err, not that you’re not a fine figure of a priest, but … no. That is not where I’m going.” “Oh thank heavens.”

😂😂😂

“You don’t want her to be interested in you?” said Zale. Over in the stream, the singing was punctuated with splashing and occasional swearing. “I do. Very much. That’s the problem.”

🥹👉🏼👈🏼

Halla went for a high note, and Sarkis listened to make sure the song was the only thing being murdered.

I love that she can’t sing 😭😂

“Because I must warn you, I do quite like her and I will be more than a little disappointed if you plan to marry her for her money and then abandon her.” Sarkis blinked at them in astonishment. “What?” “I mean, you don’t seem like the type.” “I’m immortal and live in a sword. What am I going to do with money?”

LMAO I love how protective Zale is

“She is lovely and kind and generous of spirit and someone has to keep her from walking off a cliff.” “And they say romance is dead.”

“Do you often fall in love with your wielders?” asked Zale. “Never. Hell, most times I don’t even respect them very much.” “Ah, but do you respect this one?” “… not her singing voice, certainly,” said Sarkis, as Halla attacked a chorus as if it had personally offended her. “You brought that on yourself.”

“For a number of years, I was a mercenary captain. And there were jobs where I could say yes, and jobs where I could say no. And then there were jobs where, if I said no, I made sure that we were on the way out of the country when I said it.” The priest had never been slow on the uptake. “You don’t think she’ll feel safe saying no to you?” “I am not willing to risk it.”

She had nothing to offer except kisses and men generally wanted a bit more than that.

😭

Well. Maybe when she was past the point of childbearing, someone would come along who wanted to spend time with a good-natured widow. I don’t want someone, though. I want Sarkis.

🥺

Halla was no longer young and had never been beautiful. So, she had to be one of the practical ones. Sarkis did not make her feel the least bit practical.

It was not until Brindle had brought the ox to a halt outside the churchyard that the priest exhaled and slumped back against the seat. “That,” they said, grinning, “was fun.”

😂😂😂 I love Zale

Sarkis turned toward her furiously. “I have guarded her as I would my sisters. No one will offer her disrespect in my hearing, man or woman, or they will answer to me.” He put his hand on the hilt of his sword. Malva slapped Alver’s arm. “Alver! Are you going to let him talk to me like this?” Alver eyed the sword and Sarkis and said, “Yes, mother, I believe I am.” The bailiff’s lips twitched.

The one time I like Alver lol

“The will is upheld. Mistress Halla is Silas’s heir.” “What?” said Halla. “What?” said Malva. “Really?” said Halla. “What?” said Malva. “Thank you, wise sirs,” said Zale, and bowed deeply, while Halla dissolved into tears of sheer relief.

(This was purest refined sheep-shit. Sarkis’s people saw swords as tools, not sentient objects, and found the notion of swords having emotions or preferences faintly insulting, as if a human smith had taken on the role of the great god. He was exceptionally conscious of the irony.)

The parentheses really pull this together. I love it 😂

“Can I help?” said Sarkis. “Dishes,” said Halla. That was the one thing that had been neglected. The scullery looked dismal. “I know it’s a lot…” “Have I mentioned that I fought dragons?” “Not recently, no.” “Well, I have. The dishes hold no terror for me.”

🥹👉🏼👈🏼 now kiss. PLEASE!!

“I have defeated the dishes.” “Were there any survivors?” “The only casualty was some kind of monstrous serving plate with pears on it.” “Oh, that,” said Halla with relief. “Dare I hope it’s broken past any possible mending?” Sarkis considered this for a moment, then went back into the scullery. Sounds of breaking crockery drifted through the open door. “Yes,” he said, returning. “Thank the gods. It was a gift from Malva’s mother.”

😂😂😂 I love you sir

“Well, I mean … I assume you’ll insist on going with me…” “I am certainly not letting you go traipsing about the countryside by yourself.” His skin crawled at the thought. Halla would probably trip and fall on a bear. She would undoubtedly then ask the bear questions until it forgot to eat her, but he didn’t think his nerves could take it.

“I go where you go. Wherever that may be.” “Which is why I’m making sure you don’t mind where we go!”

🥹👉🏼👈🏼 MY HEART CANT TAKE THE SWEETNESS

“Oh dear. I didn’t clear out a bedroom for you.” “It is no concern. I will guard you.” She grumbled, but rose. He padded after her as she went to the linen closet and pulled out a pile of quilts. “Here. If you plan on sleeping in front of the door again, I’ll make you a bedroll.” He accepted an armload of cloth and said, with absolute honesty, “It had not occurred to me to sleep anywhere else.”

I ADORE THEM SO MUCH

He was a warm, solid wall behind her and somehow his presence felt like home, too.

GAH MY SHAYLA

“Oh gods! No, not offense. You’re the first person who’s been interested in … well, in a long time. I’m grateful.” “Grateful?” He looked appalled. “Grateful for what? That I have eyes?”

“Did he teach you pain?” he asked softly. “I’ll kill him.” “He’s already dead.” “Do you think that will stop me? Give the word and I’ll hunt him across the great god’s hells and tear his soul out through his bowels.”

The darkness went away. She was glad to see it go. Sarkis lifted her hand to his lips. “A man would have to be half-dead not to be interested in you,” he murmured against her fingers. “Flatterer.” “I am utterly sincere.”

🥹

“And I didn’t want a child,” she admitted. “Never have. Too many around when I was growing up. Five of us, all climbing over each other and making an unholy racket. And you know how that ended up.” She shrugged.

“So you’ve let no one into your bed since then? For fear of getting a child?” Put like that, she felt like a coward.

😭😭😭

“Is that the only reason, then? You can tell me the truth, if you find me repulsive. I’m not going to force myself on an unwilling woman.” She sat up, appalled. “Of course it is! I mean I don’t! I—otherwise I would—yes, in a heartbeat. You’re very … very…” She tried to think of a word and failed. “Very,” she added, somewhat anticlimactically. Sarkis smiled. “That was the word I was waiting for,” he admitted. “What, ‘very’?” “‘Yes.’”

GAH IM SQUEALING

“Whereas I am several hundred years old, and if being in a sword has taught me anything, it’s patience.”

“I’m going to regret asking. I know I’m going to regret asking. But … times?” “Well, he always tried to avoid any unpleasantness. And you know how it is with virginity, there’s usually some blood and it hurts and everyone’s nervous. So it took us about a week and I think three tries to actually … you’re beating your head against the headboard. Are you all right?” “If he lived, I would burn his lands and sow the fields with salt for the indignity.”

“Halla. I need you to do something for me.” “Yes?” “For the next ten minutes, the only words I want you to say are ‘Yes,’ ‘No,’ ‘Harder,’ ‘More,’ and ‘There.’ And if you don’t like what I’m doing, ‘Stop.’ Can you please do that for me?” “Sure. I mean, yes.” “Thank you.” The conversation after that involved fewer words, and, eventually, more gasping. Halla eventually began crying out Sarkis’s name, too, but he didn’t mind at all.

That shouldn’t have been so 🥵🔥

“You are beautiful,” he said. “Ah … I … well.” “You are beautiful, and if you deny it, you are insulting my good taste and I will be terribly offended.”

She had given herself entirely into his hands and her response … As hot as fire, as sweet as sinning, as his countrymen would say.

He had said things to her in his own language that she would have found astonishing if she understood, and foremost among them was, You’re mine.

Gods knew her late husband wouldn’t have taught her that sort of thing. Poor man. He’d almost certainly have considered that an unpleasantness to be avoided. “He put his mouth where?” She blushed even remembering. It had definitely been … err … indecent. Yes. That was the correct word. Most of what Sarkis had done had probably qualified as indecent. Certainly her response had been nothing close to respectable. Respectable women did not claw at the sheets and make noises like that.

LMAO 😂💀

He fell on his back with a groan. “Lovely,” he said. “There’s a death knell. Clearly I should swear to celibacy and join one of your decadent southern religions. Is there one that involves stabbing things?” “The Dreaming God, but only demons.” “I can stab demons. Demons are very stabbable.”

“There are two things,” he said finally. “Oh?” “The first is that this is a skill like any other, and you are certainly not too old to learn, if that is what would please you.” “And the other thing?” He slid his hand down under the sheet and set his lips against her neck. “And the other is that your countrymen have clearly failed you in this matter, and on behalf of the great god and men everywhere, please allow me to make it up to you.”

I LOVE HIM

He was afraid that if he didn’t tell her now, he would soon do something utterly mad. Fall to his knees and beg her to marry him, perhaps. He had nothing to offer, less than nothing, but that mad part of his mind was crying out that she was his, that they belonged together …

Here is … the prison and … judgment? Punishment? of Sarkis of the Weeping Lands. Faithless in life, he will be faithful in death, until steel crumbles and all sins fade away.”

“Then you’re free,” she said. “I give you to yourself. You don’t need to serve me any longer.” She flung the sword down on the table. “Halla, I—” The pommel struck the table and the blade slammed into the scabbard. Blue light splashed around Sarkis and tore him away, even as he reached out a hand toward her.

HALLA NO