Leave Me Behind

by K.M. Moronova

Is this how he stares at me when I’m not looking? There’s so much pain there. More than any person should have to carry. I know that weight.

The ebb of pain slows and the heat from his hand reminds me that Bradshaw, as cold and uncaring as he is, does indeed have a sliver of a heart.

He is lethal and every instinct inside my body thrums on high alert.

All I see is red as we relentlessly punch the shit out of each other. Hands are wrapping around my arms and pulling me off Bradshaw before I can register what’s happening. “Jesus, will you two fucking knock it off!”

Watching him move so fluidly gives me an itch I’ve been trying to ignore for weeks. Something inside of me yearns for him.

Was it out of panic or does he not hate me as much as he tries to convince me?

There’s a war waging in his mind right now.

“You fucking masochist. I knew you liked when I carved you up. Your thighs were hot and rubbing beneath me. Is that why you won’t go? Because I keep feeding your sickness?” His voice is hoarse. I know a crumbling man when I see one.

Don’t get attached to her, I remind myself, leg bouncing with anxiety and the urge to calm the swelling in my pants. Do not let her stay.

Wondering why the more I show her who I am, the more she seems to be drawn to me.

“His PTSD after Abrahm is bad.

“I’m sure you’ve heard the horror stories about him and most of them are probably true, but he was a lot less of an asshole back then than he is now.”

The loyalty they keep to their fallen comrade and Bradshaw is commendable. They

It’s Bradshaw’s story to tell.

A part of Bones died with Abrahm that night. And a darkness was born in his heart,”

“No one can back up your ‘we received different orders’ story, bun-bun. All we know is that you never showed up.”

We only lost one soldier that night.” I lost everyone.

“How about you, Bunny? Are you fine after losing your whole squad?”

The bombs came so suddenly and were so bright… We were blinded by them before the explosions blew our Humvees off the road.”

He knows now. He knows I left Jenkins behind in battle.

I’m a coward.

Bradshaw isn’t fit for the field and they’re allowing him to stay, knowing it could very well get him killed. This might be the weakness in his armor I’ve been looking for.

I didn’t think a man as hard and cruel as him could be this broken inside.

“Honestly, I don’t know. This is the third time in two years. He vanishes for hours and comes back like this.”

The only way you get out of the dark forces is in a body bag or earning your cards.

lovely broken things

“You do things to me, Bun,”

All this man does is hurt me and awaken dark needs deep inside me. But it’s been so long since someone’s held me like this.

For some fucked up reason it feels like ecstasy. I’d do anything for this forever.

“I couldn’t control myself. You like the darkest parts of me and I wanted you all over my cock.”

“Have I seen the darkest parts of you?” “Not even close.”

“Every time you talk, I want to shove my cock into your mouth. Stop fucking pushing me or I won’t be so nice.”

“How about you wash yourself off of me, Bunny? I only like your blood when it’s fresh.”

“Fuck, that’s hot. Soak it, Bun. I want it sopping wet before I put your blood back into your body.”

I’m going straight to hell when I die. For all the death on my hands. Further down, if there is something lower than hell, for what I’m about to do with the devil.

He continues to pump his hips and lets out another groan that is two seconds from unraveling everything I thought I knew about myself.

I could be in a room with a thousand screaming, dying men and I’d only see him.

Hatred and desire aren’t so different. Both are an obsessive, all-consuming emotion. It’s a thin line to walk on.

“I’m fucking you because I want to show you who’s in control between us,” he says venomously, but his darkened eyes and bobbing throat betray his emotions.

I never felt anything like this with Jenkins. I’ve never felt this for anyone.

“You’d rather I dominate you completely then, huh? Fuck, you’re sick.”

“I want you to submit to me, my little Riøt snake.”

He’s venom—poison injected directly into my veins.

“I’m sorry, what? You want my seed inside you?” For the love of God. Why do my eyes loll and my core tighten when he says that? “Yes, please. I want your seed inside me, Bones. Please.”

“That was… holy shit,”

I just stare back at him, trying to figure out how I can hate him but feel such immense emotion for him at the same time.

I see a broken shell of a man. I see someone who’s been cast away from the world ...

The mountain is quiet tonight and for the first time in years, the silence is reciprocated in my mind. I’m exhausted. From fucking the daylights out of my comrade and from trying to figure out why I seem to be so infatuated with her.

I’m mildly disturbed with the idea that I actually want to be gentle with her right now.

The scar over the ridge of her jaw makes me yearn to know the story behind it, to share sweet nothings while we lie together and fall asleep. I want to hold her and banish my loneliness.