Between Then and Now (Magnolia Heights #1)

by Kyra Ysabel

And then there’s me. I got a sunflower beside my collarbone because I always thought sunflowers exude warmth and happiness—something I’ve always tried to maintain for myself. It’s a reminder for me to always seek the light, no matter how dark things might get. And to be that light for other people too. I’m not gonna lie–sometimes it gets tiring to always be everyone’s source of light and happiness, but it’s the least I can do for the people I love.

Watching Ryan in his element really inspires me to do better in mine. It is as if he is a different person.

“I’d start by telling you how you light up any room you enter, how your energy makes everything feel so alive. And how unbelievably contagious it is.”

“And I’d mention how I’ve always admired your optimism, Bon. Since we were kids, you’ve had this way of turning any situation into a positive one. You’re like... quite literally, sunshine on a cloudy day,”

As I walk, I start to contemplate. What happened earlier was weird. Ryan didn’t say anything romantic, but the way he talked and looked at me made my stomach turn. I was caught off guard.

“Really, Miller? You’re gonna start your Instagram journey with a photo of me? I know I’m cute, but, come on, isn’t that weird?”

She rolls her eyes playfully, but her smile stays. I decide to post the photo to my Instagram account with the caption: “Exploring new places with old friends.”

Ryan is my friend, and I’m helping him date his dream girl.

The thought of Bonbon and John going on a date makes my insides squirm uncomfortably. Maybe it’s just overprotectiveness, a sense of responsibility for bringing her here, or a fear of seeing her get hurt. As her friend, I don’t want anything to jeopardize her happiness. Or perhaps, it’s a pang of jealousy, knowing how hard I struggle with Alexa while Bonbon seems to effortlessly attract attention.

“Sounds like a plan. We’ll be Mr. and Mrs. Miller, the old friendly neighbors from Magnolia Heights,”

My stomach does a weird flip, and I get a bit dizzy.

On one hand, I feel a surge of warmth and appreciation for Ryan's thoughtfulness. The fact that he remembered my stuff, anticipated my needs, and went out of his way to bring it along speaks volumes about his attentiveness. It's a gesture that feels personal, almost intimate, and it makes my heart race in a way I hadn't expected. I don’t know why I’m reacting like this when he’s only being nice.

Oof, it's like we stepped into a rom-com set. How perfect for a platonic practice date… not.

This is supposed to be a trial run, an opportunity to rehearse exactly what I would do on Saturday. But for some reason, I don’t want to repeat everything that happens tonight and have someone else sitting beside me under the stars. This night feels intimate, like something I want to keep and cherish, rather than replicate.

I’ve always thought that Bon has one of the best personalities of anyone I know. She’s kind, funny, spontaneous, and has a way of making everyone around her feel special. Her laughter is infectious, her stories captivating. She’s the type of person who can light up a room just by walking into it. Of course, I won’t tell her that because it would put her head in the clouds.

And it’s not about Alexa; I’m sure she’s a wonderful person. She’s beautiful, smart, and kind. I don’t want to admit it, but I’m so incredibly… bored.

As I approach Room 8, I realize something weird and strangely confusing. It’s the most excited I’ve felt all day.

I close the gap between us.

That’s fine, I’ll just pull away. Just one second. A peck. But as our lips brush against each other, something shifts. The initial contact is delicate—barely there—but it’s enough to send a jolt through me.

Are we just going to ignore the fact that we made out?

It’s supposed to be a scary movie meant to distract me, but nothing is scarier than the thoughts going through my head right now.

I can’t be the only one thinking about that kiss, the way her lips felt against mine, the way she pulled me closer. It’s like a tape on loop, replaying over and over in my mind.

“You know what they say, real friends let friends kiss them for practice.”

I chuckle in return, but inside, I’m spiraling. Friends don’t kiss like that. Friends don’t make your heart race and your mind spin. Friends don’t make you second-guess everything you believe in.

To be honest, I deserve this. I’m the one who chose to ruin our perfect set-up because I was selfish and I was momentarily attracted to my friend. I can’t believe I did that. Me. I usually take three business days to decide on a meal plan, but apparently, it only takes me three seconds to decide I want to kiss Bonbon.

For a moment, I realize that I may have messed things up. I feel like I’ve disrupted a delicate equilibrium, and now I’m grappling with the consequences of my actions. By kissing her, I crossed the line I tried so hard to maintain. And another thing I realize is that I don’t think I regret it.

I think I know the reason why, even when there’s a literal door between us, my mind is always on Bonbon. I think I know, but I’m not sure.

Why do I feel a pang in my stomach? Is it jealousy? It’s just breakfast, and he’s only going to ask her out. Who’s to say she’d even say yes? And even if she does, what right do I have to be bothered by it?

My chest feels heavy, my stomach twisting into tighter knots. Why does it bother me so much to see her with him? I lean against the door frame, watching until they disappear from view. Maybe I should talk to Bon about it, clear the air before it gets too complicated. But what if she doesn’t feel the same way? What if she likes John? And what exactly is this feeling that I want her to return?

They say the line between love and friendship is thin, but what happens when the line, from the way I see it, isn’t just thin? It isn’t even blurred. The line’s just… gone.

I don’t know how something can be clear and blurry at the same time. It’s clear that I care about Bonbon. It’s clear that she is important to me. It’s clear that I find her attractive. It’s clear that my soul almost left my body when I grabbed her from the ocean.

What’s not clear is how to navigate these emotions. How do I balance the undeniable attraction I feel for her with the deep, platonic bond we’ve always shared? Maybe it’s just that. A simple attraction. Which was fueled by the kiss we shared, then amplified by her accident. I mean, it’s realistic for me to feel this jumble of feelings because of recent events. Yes, if I give this enough time, it will go away, and Bonbon will go back to being my noisy friend who doesn’t know how to keep her mouth shut. I hope.

These feelings—they’re likely just a temporary, exaggerated response to recent events. It’s not a sign of anything deeper. It’s just the aftermath of a traumatic experience, nothing more. Besides, she’s my friend. Of course, I’m worried about her.

The word “friend” echoes in my mind, and for the first time, it feels a bit inadequate. Is that all we are? Or is there something more? It’s been days since the accident, but my feelings haven’t subsided. If anything, spending all this time taking care of Bon has just amplified them further.

The sight of her wrapped in something that belongs to me is oddly intimate, and my gaze lingers on her. I take in her beautiful hair, adorned with the ponytail I grew to love.

And then, as if a plug has been pulled, I finally let myself acknowledge the feelings that have been lurking since I can’t remember. I finally allow myself to give up control, let my guard down, and be honest about what I feel for once. As I hear her laugh one more time, I accept a dangerous truth: I’m falling for Bonbon.

As I look at her, really look at her, I notice all the small things I’ve always taken for granted: The way she fidgets with her bracelet when she’s nervous, the way her mouth quivers when she speaks, even the way she absentmindedly tucks her hair behind her ear as the wind blows on it and it tousles on her face.

It’s as if I’m seeing her for the first time. I know, it’s dramatic, but that’s what it feels like. The moment I allow myself to feel for her, the feelings only intensify every time I set my eyes on Bon. These little details–things that have always been there–are finally standing out, demanding my attention.

“I know how it sounds, but love is not black or white. Love is about the gray areas. It’s about the complexities and nuances that come with two different people trying to build a life together,”

“But how do you know if it’s love? And it’s not just genuine concern? Or attraction, at the very least?”

“It’s a question everyone asks themselves at some point. Love isn’t just one thing; it’s a combination of many things—genuine concern, attraction, respect, trust, and a deep connection. And it’s not something I can answer for you even if I want to.”

For a moment, I considered showing Ryan my vulnerability–I visualize it as taking his hand on a rollercoaster ride of complexities that is the complete me. But now, maybe it's just better to stay on solid ground, where everything is safe, predictable, and heartbreak-free.

His masterful stoic expression is not too mastered this time, a hint of apprehension is playing in his eyes. My heart wants to tell me that it’s because of me. Because he’s concerned about the message from John. But my brain, finally in her right senses, convinces me that he has his own issues and own matters to attend to.

“We shared that moment. We shared a kiss. We even shared a near-death experience.” I sigh, wondering if I should continue. “We… we shared moments where we looked into each other’s eyes with so many unspoken emotions that I deluded myself into thinking they were unspoken promises. That maybe we’re not done yet. That we’re only starting to figure it out.”

“I just… I just thought we had something special,” I continue, my voice cracking. “And I know it’s stupid. I know we set our boundaries, and we set clear lines, and that I’m the one in the wrong here. But I can’t help how I feel.”

“I may have mistaken your affection to be directed at me. But I heard you talking to Alexa by the car last night, and I saw you hugging her when we arrived. And it felt like a punch to the gut. Like everything I thought we had was just in my head.”

Maybe I’m doomed when it comes to romantic relationships. It's like I'm constantly walking a tightrope, never finding the middle ground where I can just be me. It’s either I’m too much or I’m too boring. I wonder when I can ever be just enough?

“It’s either I’m too much, or I’m not enough. It’s exhausting. Most of the time, I try to be what everyone needs. I try to be fun and happy for everyone. And when I do, I’m labeled as too much. But now that I can’t be fun, I’m labeled as boring. I’m just so tired of never fitting just right.”

“It’s easy to get lost in what other people think about you. Especially if they’re someone you want to impress. But don’t get so caught up that you forget there are people who see you, all of you, and still like and accept you.”

“I’m talking about me,” I say, my heart pounding in my chest. “But even my opinion shouldn’t be as important as your own, Bon. You have to go easy on yourself. You don’t always have to be the ray of sunshine for everyone. You can let other people shine for you when you can’t do it.”