Between Then and Now (Magnolia Heights #1)

by Kyra Ysabel

“Scared to show people who I really am–flaws and all. Scared that I might not find the perfect balance of who I should be. I’m scared that if I’m not happy or fun or all that, people will find a reason to leave. That maybe it’s the only reason they stay. The reason you all tolerate me.”

“But losing you was more terrifying.”

“I’ve tried to convince myself that I care about you because you’re my friend. That the reason I jumped into the ocean to save you was because I’m a good person. That, as a doctor, it was the right thing to do.”

“I realized soon after that moment that there was another reason I was terrified of losing you. And it didn’t have anything to do with friendship or ethics. I…”

“I like you, Bon. Maybe more. Pro...

“You make me feel alive, Bon. You challenge me, you make me laugh, you make me see the world in a different way. When I’m with you, everything just feels... right.”

“You say you’re not enough. You say you’re too much. But you’ve always been just perfect for me, Bon. Even back when you were only my friend, there’s nothing I’d change about you.”

“Turns out you’re the girl of my dreams, Bon,” Ryan chuckles. “And if I’m being honest with myself, you unconsciously have been for the longest time.”

“I mean, that you’re the standard. You’re why I never found someone I wanted to talk to, to spend time with. Because I would always compare her to you. I was drawn to Alexa because, on the surface, I saw her act like you–bubbly, friendly. But when I actually got to spend time with her, I kept thinking of you, how you’d respond. It’s like I created an unattainable standard of a woman. A standard that the only person could meet is, well, you.”

It’s overwhelming to be thought of this way. For the first time in my life, my words fail me, so I stay silent. Ryan, thankfully, doesn’t force me to speak. Instead, he reaches for my hand, and I give it to him, feeling the warmth and reassurance of his touch.

Slowly, almost hesitantly, he closes the gap between us. His lips brush against mine, feather-light at first, as if he’s giving me a chance to pull away. But I don’t. I lean into the kiss, feeling the warmth of his breath, the softness of his lips. The kiss deepens gradually, and the world around us fades away entirely. There’s only the two of us, connected in a way that feels both new and incredibly familiar.

We pull away for a while, and I get lost in those eyes again. And as he kisses me again and his lips move against mine, all those thoughts begin to quiet down, replaced by the certainty of this moment. The way he’s holding me, the way he’s kissing me, it’s like he’s telling me without words that everything will be okay.

Rushing her would only push her away, and the last thing I want is to make her feel pressured or trapped. She needs to come to terms with her emotions on her own, and I want to be there for her, not force her into anything she's not ready for.

And then we close the gap at the same time. This kiss is less soft and more urgent. Our mouths move in sync, like they’ve been doing this for the longest time. Her hands make their way to my hair and mine are around her waist, steadying us.

“But a few more seconds of getting lost in that kiss will be the literal death of us.”

“I don’t need a charm to make me smile, Bonbon, it only takes one look at you.”

“But I do. And even I didn’t plan on falling for you.”

I stay silent. He’s falling for me. And I’m falling for him. We lie there, holding each other, the weight of our confessions settling over us like a warm, comforting blanket. The room is silent except for the sound of our breathing, synchronized and steady. It’s a moment of pure, unfiltered connection, one that I know will be etched into my memory forever.

“She’s scared that if she shows any vulnerability, people will reject her. That’s why she ran. She’s afraid that if you see all of her, you won’t want her anymore.”

“I love all of her, even the parts she’s scared to show.”

“Bon’s an amazing person. She spent the rest of her life trying to cheer everyone around her, and for once she allowed herself to feel things that she’s not familiar with. She let herself go through all that. And it doesn’t make her boring; it makes her brave.”

But Ryan? Ryan is the first person to know me—really know me. And I am terrified.

And I’m allowed to be terrified because, my whole life, I’ve been wired to believe that I had to shape myself into something else for me to be liked. I was expected to be the human equivalent of a happy pill, always dispensing smiles and sunshine. No room for clouds or storms. Be bright, be cheerful, be fun, even if it means hiding your own fears and insecurities.

“And I’ll also bring the knowledge that people are complex beings. As a medical professional and a person in general, I think it’s important to know that people are not hardbound into one personality. We’re all a mix of strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and flaws. Understanding this has made me a better doctor and a better person.”

“And whatever it is you’re thinking, just know that Ryan’s reaction isn’t just about him. It’s about how much you mean to him—and how much you’ve always meant to people who truly care about you.”

“You’re not perfect, sure. None of us are. You’re insufferable to me, but the guy finds you lovable for some insane reason. He knows you, he sees you, and he wants all of it. I personally don’t understand it; you know I don’t do these things.”

“Can you please explain to us why Ryan’s Instagram account looks like a montage of you? He posted eight times in the last fifteen minutes,” Haley says.

This. Is this what it feels like to be really in love? Genuinely, truly, unconditionally in love? If it is, then it’s scary. It’s terrifying, actually. Because love like this comes with no guarantees, no safety nets. So many thoughts swirl in my mind, making my heart race with both hope and dread. But it’s also exciting. It’s like my heart is a kite caught in a fierce wind, tugging and pulling, desperate to soar but scared of being torn apart.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to tell you this, but our practice date gave me butterflies and made me question everything about our friendship. Our first kiss sent my feelings into a rabbit hole and I haven’t gone up since. When I almost drowned and your face was the first thing I saw, it took everything in me to keep myself from kissing you just so you’d stay close and never leave. I think I love you, Miller. Sucks I can’t be as lovable. Yours even before you know it, Bonbon

She thinks she can’t be as lovable, but she’s wrong. She’s the most lovable person I know, and I’m determined to show her that every day from now on.

“Bon is bright and full of surprises.”

“That I love you, Bon. I’m in love with you. And I think I have been for the longest time.” He walks closer to me. “I came all the way here because I can’t spend another day knowing you’re doubting yourself. That you’re worrying about things that won’t happen. That you’re stressing yourself out. I can’t just stay there while you’re like this.

“You’re everything, Bon. You’re the light in my life, the one who makes everything better just by being there. You don’t even have to try.”

“I’ve seen your flaws, Bon. I’ve seen your fears, your doubts, your insecurities. And I love you more because of them. They make you who you are. They make you real. And I wouldn’t want you any other way.”

“Relationships aren’t about being perfect. They’re about growing together, supporting each other, and loving each other despite the imperfections. I want to be there for you, Bon. Through the good times and the bad. Through every laugh and every tear. Please… let me.”

“I love you too, Miller. I do. And I’d be lying if I say that I haven’t for a while now.” I take a step closer to him and hold his hand in mine. “You’re the only one who’s ever seen me like this, and not once did I hear you complain. You’re just… there. And it feels right. No matter what I tell myself, this feels right.”

“I want this. I want us. I don’t know what the future holds, and it scares me. But I want to face it with you.”