The Thrashers

by Julie Soto

“I can try. I can be better at putting you first,” he said. She watched him swallow, watched his eyes flicker between hers. “We could try … to be something new, too.”

“This timing sucks, Zack. You didn’t feel any of this before your best friend kissed me.” “But maybe I did!” He gripped her hands tighter. “Maybe I just didn’t want to fuck it up—”

I think … I just told you I wasn’t going to lie for you anymore, and you decided you had feelings for me—” “That’s not what I’m doing. I promise you, Jo. I … If you don’t think we should try now, then that’s fine.”

“I … I don’t like it when you drink.” Tears sprung into her eyes, and she felt like they’d drown her if they were let loose. “You get mean.”

“Also,” Lucy said, pushing her hair behind her ear, “Did I hear something about you and Julian?” “Oh, dear. Look at the time.” Jodi grabbed her books and shut her locker, fighting the blush on her cheeks as Lucy cackled.

“Jodi, I knew what I was doing when I gave you that USB.” There was that look in his eyes again, like he was tired. He stepped back and tossed over his shoulder, “Leave me a ticket at the box office, yeah?” as he walked away.

On Friday morning, Julian Hollister pled guilty to criminal harassment of Emily Mills. The text message and the Google Drive, the eyewitness account of him “putting hands on her”—all of it was on the table even without the fake journal. The prosecution and the defense came to terms on a reduced sentence: six months at the Sacramento juvenile detention center.

But he wasn’t like Paige and Lucy. Zack had actually done something wrong. But because of a wrong date, he didn’t have to live with the consequences. And Julian was in juvie. Zack must have heard it in her tone. “What’s wrong? Are you … disappointed I didn’t go to jail?”

Jodi stood frozen. She’d called it the real journal. “I was thinking it might have been you,” Jodi said quietly. “You created the fake one?”

“Why didn’t you accuse me of anything?” Jodi asked. Hannah looked up at her with wet eyes. “You meant a lot to her. She wouldn’t have wanted that. But I’m sorry that I—” She cut off, biting her lip.

“Hannah, were you behind the text messages?”

There was a lot about Emily Mills that Jodi wished she knew when she was alive. She was manipulative and obsessive, but she was also taken advantage of in multiple ways. Jodi couldn’t lie and say that she missed her, but she did wish things had been different.

“Do you ever feel like you’re not enough?” Paige asked.

“I’m so afraid that you guys will find out that I’m nothing. Nobody,” Paige said. Jodi’s eyes were stinging. “I feel like I’m always running to catch up with you guys. I do stupid things to make myself matter.”

Julian was the only one who wasn’t walking away unscathed.

And Julian … Have you talked to him?” “I’m going to visit him in August,” she said. He clenched his jaw, and she rolled her eyes. “Relax. You should talk to him. He’s your best friend.”

“Do you think maybe I could come visit you at CalArts? Maybe in October? Or I could fly you to Boston?” His face was open, waiting. “Maybe,” she said. “I think we should try things without each other for a while. That’s what college is all about.” “I don’t want to lose you as a friend, Jo.” His eyes were a deep blue, begging her.

She looked up at him and saw him frowning. She had the distinct impression that Zack Thrasher hadn’t gotten what he wanted for once in his life. She smiled.

He dropped into the chair across from her, picked up the phone with a twirl, and said, “Julian Hollister, who’s calling?” “It’s not fair that you can shave your hair—your career-defining hair—and still look this good.” “It was never just the hair.” He took her in, his eyes scanning her face, memorizing. “Do you want me to say something about how you look now?” “No, that would be a little tawdry, since you’re incarcerated.”

His eyes sparkled. “Good. I might miss the show this semester, but do you think you could save a ticket for me for spring?”

“Who was driving the car? When Emily was on the hood?” He tilted his head at her. “I told you it was me.” “And I don’t believe you.” Julian’s lips twitched. “Oh yeah? Who do you think it was?” Jodi looked him over. “The only person you’d take the fall for. Who we’d all take the fall for.” He pressed his lips together, a smile bitten back. “Not you though. You wouldn’t have.”

“See you, Dillon,” he said. “Don’t forget to write.”

I try to whisper ideas to him. Ways to see her again in a few short months. I know he wants to, but he’s vindictive enough to keep himself from her if it will keep me from her.