The Thrashers

by Julie Soto

“If I’d known the only way to get you guys to hang out with me again was to fuck up, I would have careened off course months ago.” She felt rage boil over. She wished she had a car, so she could just walk out like they did in the movies. Make them think about what they’d done.

“Look, I’m sure there’s tons of things I’m not included in. Especially these days.” She swallowed. “I’ve accepted that you guys don’t want me around all the time. I’m not Emily. I can take a fucking hint.”

“He didn’t kill her. What kind of person asks if your dad killed your mom? Jesus, Emily—” “I’ll protect you,” Emily said, and Jodi felt like she’d inched closer, maybe even under her skin now. “How did she die?”

“So, Emily made a fake journal before killing herself?” he asked. “Emily, or maybe her sister. Her parents. I don’t know.”

Jodi was surprised to find Julian in three of her classes. Paige was still in English with her, but Julian was in economics, second-semester anatomy, and her sign language elective. When sign language let out into a five-minute crossing period before anatomy, he didn’t pack up and run off. He waited and walked with her, showing her the dirty signs he’d learned already. Now, while Kiera told them instructions, Julian signed to her—Who, me?

For the first time, Jodi realized what it was like to live inside Paige, Lucy, and Julian’s heads, knowing that this girl had to go. She had to be Thrashed.

“I’ll protect you.” Emily’s words seemed to float down to her. Jodi raised her eyes. “I’ll protect you from everyone.”

“Oliver Burns tells us that Zackary Thrasher and Julian Hollister specifically kept him from speaking to you in freshman year. That Lucy Reed didn’t invite him to a pool party after talking about it in front of him. That Paige Montgomery asked him to do her hair for freshman year homecoming and then never credited him or even spoke to him at the dance.”

“So you’ve said.” Buechler sat forward. “Did Emily know your mother killed herself?” “She didn’t—” “You told her the details though? Pills. Wine. Bathtub.” “I did. She pried them out of me.”

You’ve been told that you were in the tub with her?

Why do you think you’re friends? Harding had said. What do you think you add to the dynamic? Maybe she should let Kiera have them. Jodi blinked slowly, a pricking between her eyes. Maybe she was always meant to be Thrashed in the end. She was the final project. The long game.

One of them couldn’t breathe, one of them couldn’t think, and one of them couldn’t swim.

It must have been very traumatic … You’ve been told that you were in the tub with her? But maybe that’s what she’d wanted. If the cops were right … If her mother wanted to kill herself that day … Why was Jodi in the tub? She watched her hair float forward around her face. Maybe she wasn’t meant to survive this. She couldn’t swim. Maybe she should have died sixteen years ago, and now death had come to collect.

“Yeah, they got her. She’s down the hall. Our third concussion this year, collectively.” “We should go for a record.” Jodi checked the time on the monitor. 8:12. “Where’s Zack?” “He’s … checking on Kiera.” Jodi knew she should have been curious about her condition, but all she felt was a hot spike of anger and jealousy coursing through her. Two girls almost drowned today, and he made a choice as to whose bedside to wait at.

Jodi looked down at her starchy white sheets. Three girls in the hospital, and Jodi was the last person on the list.

I didn’t ask for any of these people to be my closest friends, but now I have them. I don’t have anything in common with them except that we all want to be around you.”

What do you say to someone who swam to the bottom of a river for you and did CPR?

Staring at her ceiling that night, Jodi wondered if Emily would have gotten that bad with her eventually. She thought about the photo she’d edited together of the two of them. Maybe it was already that bad.

pros and cons of just riding around in a limo or staying in at Zack’s to watch a movie. Jodi didn’t care. High school was ending. The trial dates were looming, and nothing was right. Going to prom wouldn’t be “going to prom,” no matter what they did.

It wasn’t that they didn’t want one, it’s that they didn’t think of it. She was an afterthought. She wondered how long she’d been an afterthought. Her face burned as her eyes stung, and she felt mortified to be standing at prom on the verge of tears. Her throat felt choked with all the pent-up loneliness she’d carried since finding out how her mom died—since she was subpoenaed against her friends—since the first time, years ago, that she waited all night for Zack to text her back, only to hear, sorry i was with julian.

“I think my mom killed herself.” She whispered it to the Manhattan skyline. To his credit, Julian didn’t pause or react.

“When I got to the car, your window was only half-down and your seat belt was still on.” She could tell him about Paige’s shoe to her face, or remind him about her inability to swim, but she just swiped a new line at a new window. “Did you give up when the car flooded,” he whispered, “or before it even left the bridge?”

“Dad never let me near a pool because my mom drowned in our bathtub after taking too many painkillers.” And after a pause, “I was in the tub with her. I think she wanted me to die, too.”

“Maybe she did. But I don’t want you to,” he said. Like it was as simple as that.

His raspy laughter in her ear warmed her stomach, and she shrieked when he pushed his temple against her cheek to smear the paint onto her skin. She pushed back, reaching her brush for the paint can, but he caught her wrist, tugged her waist close to him, and swallowed her laughter with his lips against hers. Jodi’s chest shook, like an aftershock following a quake. She gasped in air, and Julian’s tongue brushed across hers.

Dragging her nearer to him. His breath crested over her forehead, and she thought of him coming to see Our Town, and how he’d come after her tonight when no one else bothered. How she would have let herself drown if he hadn’t outright refused.

His hand dragged down over her painted collarbones, resting between her breasts—where he’d pounded her ribs to get river water out of her lungs. And she wondered what it was they were doing, and if it was wise to let him crack her chest open a second time, just to see if he fit inside.

“Yeah.” Jodi glanced at Julian as he leaned back on the worktable. He was staring at Zack in a way she’d never seen before. Like Zack was canceling his summer plans. Jodi continued, “It’s not a big deal.” “How long has this been going on behind my back?” Zack snarled.

“Of course I care.” Zack stepped forward. “You’ve never liked her, but now you want me to believe you’re into her?” “And what if this was me and Paige,” Julian said, standing from the table smoothly. “Would it be such a big deal to you if Paige and I wanted to hook up?”

“You know it’s different—” “How?” Julian said. “Both of them are your friends. Both of them are single.”

“I don’t really get why you kissed me,” she said hesitantly. “Yeah, me neither.”

Jodi didn’t know what she expected. She hadn’t expected. Zack was supposed to be the one coming over to apologize first thing in the morning. Zack was supposed to be explaining himself. But instead, Julian Hollister had come over to make sure she was okay and that the air was clear between them.

He looked down at her lips, and her heart stuttered a beat. She swallowed. “Um, before you kiss me again—” “Presumptuous.” “—I need to know what you said to Emily that day.” The humor left his eyes, and slowly, his fingers slipped off her skin. He tucked his hands into his pockets. “If I tell you,” he said, “I don’t think we’ll ever kiss again.”

“I didn’t see it until closer to prom, but something shifted last spring. Her attention wasn’t on Zack anymore.” His eyes flitted over her face. “It was on you. Like you were the one she wanted to be with, or be like, or something.”

“No. I told her that in person, the day before prom when I told her to stay away from you.”

“I was going to make sure she knew she wasn’t in the limo. I didn’t want any more people claiming we Thrashed somebody just because she couldn’t take a fucking hint.” He blew out a breath. “She said, ‘Me and Jodi are going together, so I guess she won’t be in the limo, either.’ And the way she said it, Jodi … it was like you had talked about it, but I knew we were all going stag.”

“So, you told Emily we hate her. And somehow you’re still innocent of instigating her suicide.” He reared back. “I never said that,” he whispered. Jodi felt chills crest across her skin. “She doubled down. She said she was going to tell everyone about her and Zack. She wanted you to hate him and choose her.”

I told her to stay away from you, that you were officially off-limits to her. And I…”

“She asked me if I liked you.” He looked at her quickly. “And I didn’t, just to clarify. Still don’t, really.” “Thanks,” she said drily. “Same to you.” “But she got it in her head that I wanted you—which I didn’t—” “So you’ve said.” “And it really bugged me. She said it, and it didn’t land with me. But she was so fucking sure about it. So obnoxious. It really got to me.” Jodi quirked a smile. “Is this how Emily Mills has been haunting you, Julian? She planted an idea in your head, and now you’re kissing me in the theater lab?” His eyes flashed to her, serious and anxious, before crinkling to return the smile. “I guess so.”

“She forged a journal to punish us from beyond the grave!

“Someone told me Emily was obsessed with me at the end. That it wasn’t about Zack anymore.” “Ohhhh yeah.” Oliver laughed, grabbing his keys. “That’s definitely true.”

“That’s your problem, Jodi. You’ve always thought there’s someone more special, more deserving. Zack Thrasher’s life, his comfort, his happiness—it’s always been more important to you than anyone else’s.”

“I’d like Emily Mills to still be alive,” she snapped. “Can you do that? I’d like not to be dragged into a courtroom to testify against everyone I love. I’d really like to have the three thousand dollars I spent on a lawyer for all this back—” “What the fuck, Jodi? Like—Jesus.” His hand raked through his hair. “If you want money, I can give you money.” She flinched, like he’d slapped her. His expression was irritated, quizzical. She waited for him to realize what he’d said, what he’d ignored, but it never happened.

“She was really seeing me, okay?” “I’ve been there,” Jodi whispered. “I’ve been listening. I’ve been seeing you for ten years, Zack. Don’t pretend you don’t know!”

“Don’t pretend you haven’t loved it—the knowledge that you can have any of us.”

You had the upper hand with Emily, and you know it. I would have given anything for you to look at me—to listen to me, to see me—and think, ‘she’s here.’ I’ve been here.”

The tip of his nose was red as he sniffed. “I liked being liked by her. That’s all.” He turned to Jodi. “And maybe I did know about you. About how you felt. I don’t think I really knew how I felt until I lost you.”

She rolled her eyes at his garbage clichés. “Lost me? When?” His jaw clenched. “How long has this thing been going on with Julian?”

“You didn’t come after me, Zack. I—I walked home last night. And this morning, Julian was the first person on my doorstep.” His eyes narrowed, but she continued, “But even before that. You haven’t been putting me first for a long time.

But I’ve been putting you first every second of every day since then. I don’t want to have pieces of a person.” “Julian isn’t the type of person to put you first, either,” he snarled. “Yeah, but I didn’t ask him to. Like I said: twenty-four hours.”