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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Melissa Wirt
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June 29 - July 2, 2025
We are told we can “do hard things,” but what is left unsaid is that we’ll do them unsupported and alone.
For millennia, there were villages, large groups of people woven together in communities of around twenty individuals linked by proximity and dependent upon one another. They hunted for food together, protected one another, and shared responsibility for tending to children, a structure called alloparenting. They lived in a web of extended families united by their common need to survive.1 This period of history, when raising kids was a group effort among several generations of a family, with friends, neighbors, and even other children pitching in, lasted tens of thousands of years.
But now, the idea of a village is as foreign to us as the idea of commuting by horseback.
The US government’s failure to support mothers begins early, with childbirth, an event that is more likely to kill women in the United States than in any other developed country—and the risk is three times higher for Black women.2 After giving birth, we have a quick session at the hospital with a lactation consultant, and then we are sent home, where we are left to google “good latch” and “mastitis” while a Niagara Falls of hormones cascades through our bodies.
Simply put, we are left to lone wolf our way through parenting.
ISOLATION MINDSET: I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Parenting is supposed to be hard. I’ve got this. VILLAGE MINDSET: Everything is not fine. This isn’t normal. Being a mom shouldn’t feel this hard or this isolating. We’re being set up to fail, and we need to make a change.
On Christmas morning, when I was around three months pregnant, Eric and I snuggled on the couch, watching the kids open their presents. Underneath my cozy blanket, I was suddenly struck by a horrible feeling that something was wrong with my pregnancy. I wasn’t bleeding, but this was far from my first rodeo, and I knew when my body felt off. The next day, I had some lab work done, hoping my spidey sense was out of whack. When the blood work came back, my heart sank. The HCG and progesterone levels were low. Really low. A second draw confirmed that the levels were dropping instead of doubling as
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A tiny but wise part of me whispered that I should find someone to keep me company during those hard hours. I picked up my phone and scrolled through my contacts. I rolled over screen after screen without stopping on a name. Oh, wow. There wasn’t a single person in my network I felt safe enough with in that moment to call and say, “Hey, I’m really going through it. Can you just keep me company for a minute?”
I crumpled to the floor. My body felt like a deflated balloon. The miscarriage was soul-crushing, but feeling like there was no one I could reach out to made it even more devastating.
motherhood is hard as hell, but motherhood without a village is damn near impossible.
Every day, I see posts that illustrate how much moms need more connection, community, and support. We post from our kitchens, our bedrooms, and our closets as we try to hold it all together.
This season of motherhood is really hard. It’s lonely and sometimes isolating. It’s okay to cry in your kitchen over spilled Froot Loops.
Susan Pinker points out that people who invest in meaningful personal relationships with “lots of real social contact” are healthier than people who are isolated.14 Researchers have found that having social connections lowers moms’ stress levels.
We take care of our people out of love. But there is love, and then there is obliterating our sense of self. When we neglect to give ourselves the love and care we deserve because we are tending to everyone else’s needs before our own, we are sending the message “I don’t matter.”
A pregnant mom was at her wit’s end because she had fought with her husband over whether he could watch her toddler while she showered. He refused because he “helped out enough already.” He told her that she knew what she signed up for when she became a stay-at-home mom, so she shouldn’t complain about doing all of the housework and cooking, let alone ask for a little time to herself. She felt angry and defeated. When I hear a story like that, I am full of mom rage. I want to run to the top of the nearest mountain and shout, “It’s all too much!” Is it any wonder we moms are perpetually on the
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I knew I needed to get out and connect with other people, but I didn’t feel ready to do so right away. Who would want to talk to the jittery, short-fused stress ball I had become? I didn’t want to hang out with me.
ISOLATION MINDSET: My life is so busy that I barely have time to put on pants every morning. And now you’re telling me to make time for more people in my life? No, thank you. VILLAGE MINDSET: The answer to feeling overwhelmed and isolated is not more pressure and isolation. Adding the right kind of connection will make our lives feel lighter, not heavier.
It is one of the great paradoxes of connection that the times when you least feel like making an effort may be the times when you’ll derive the greatest benefit from making an effort.
One result of not being able to soothe Nathan was that I became extremely self-conscious about what people would think of me as a mom. I worried if I so much as stepped outside with my howler monkey, everyone would see what a bad mom I was.
The pressure to be perfect as a mom is overwhelming. Research has shown that women are particularly susceptible to perfectionism: more women than men report that they consistently fail to live up to their own standards both on the job and with their families.
If you are in debt, developing a budget and creating a careful financial plan can lead you in the right direction. But a baby is not a problem to be solved. A baby is a human being with complex needs and desires that are as mysterious as they are wonderful. You can read forty-five books on nutrition and still have a kid who only eats white rice.
That was part of what was so hard for me in those early months of being a mom. Not being able to calm my baby down was a gut punch to my identity.
It’s not enough just to tell our kids that it’s okay to be imperfect. Our kids will see right through us unless we also model this behavior and dare to be imperfect in front of them.
It is liberating to let go of the need to have it together 24-7.
ISOLATION MINDSET: My life just isn’t designed for meeting new people. It’s hopeless. VILLAGE MINDSET: If am conscious about my life choices—big and small—I can create opportunities to connect.
Building connections takes time. Studies show that it takes adults an average of ninety-four hours to turn an acquaintance into a casual friend and an additional 164 hours to go from casual friend to real friend.
ISOLATION MINDSET: I’m not a joiner, and groups give me hives. I have everything I need in the comfort of my home. VILLAGE MINDSET: Joining a group is an easy way to find a sense of belonging and support.
She’d signed up for fitness, but she’d found a family.
We can use the same technique on ourselves when we schedule a group activity. Instead of saying, “I have to go connect with some moms,” we can tell ourselves, “It’s book club night.”
Isolation can create insecurity, making us worry when we join a group that we’re going to be the only one there who is lonely and looking for friends. But we all crave connection, just as a plant craves sunlight.
Other people are looking for connection every bit as hard as you are. You’re doing a service by being available and open to others.
ISOLATION MINDSET: I have plenty of friends. I’m certainly not at a place in life where I want to meet anyone new. VILLAGE MINDSET: Now that I’m a mom, other mothers provide a type of connection and support I can’t find elsewhere.
If you want someone to go to the ballet with, find your most cultured buddy. But if you’re looking for a supportive group to help you navigate the wilds of motherhood, you want other moms by your side. No one is going to understand the meaning of “bone-tired” like another mom.
Think back to high school when you met that one other kid who loved the same obscure band as you did, and you felt a connection. It’s as if finding someone who likes what you do is a confirmation that the way you’re interpreting the world makes sense. It verifies that you’re not mistaken about your take on the world.
Keep the friends you had before you became a mom—cherish them. But I can promise you that you won’t regret widening your circle to include mom friends.
ISOLATION MINDSET: If I want to find connection, the best way to do it is to seek out people with whom I have the most in common—from our interests to our approach to parenting. VILLAGE MINDSET: We benefit from having a wide circle that includes people whose views and interests differ from our own.
“Hey, there’s a place in this relationship for the way I do it. There’s a place in this relationship for the way you do it. At some point, we’re going to find things to connect over, and we all need connection more than we need to agree about whether it’s okay to watch seven episodes of Bluey in a row.”
Now I know that other moms aren’t my adversary. My adversary is the unrealistic expectation that any mom can make the “right” decision about every aspect of parenting while remaining healthy and sane.
Deep down, under all our differences, moms are defined by two commonalities: our incredible love for our families and our worry that we are not enough for them.
Get curious. If you find yourself judging another mom for the way she does something, repeat to yourself, Her choice is not a condemnation of my choice; it’s simply her choice. Then get curious about how she might have arrived there. Say to her, “I struggled with that, too. What made you decide on x?”
ISOLATION MINDSET: Okay, I’ve got some friends, and I see them pretty regularly. That’s basically a village, right? VILLAGE MINDSET: A true village means actively supporting fellow moms in your immediate friend group and beyond.
When you have the resources to do so, helping other moms should be rewarding. According to psychologist Susan Pinker, “Reaching out to other women releases oxytocin… [which] not only offers pain relief and an immediate jolt of pleasure, it also reinforces your commitment to people in your inner circle. Oxytocin creates a feedback loop that rewards both the women who reach out to others at times of crisis and those who receive their help.”1 Villaging feels good—and creates a stronger village in the process.
Few of us who are parenting these days can gather weekly, as Nancy and her tea group did, but that doesn’t mean our bonds can’t or shouldn’t be maintained.
ISOLATION MINDSET: Even though I am overwhelmed, I don’t want to be a bother to anyone. I’ll just soldier on. VILLAGE MINDSET: Being part of a village means asking for and accepting the help we need.
As women, we are conditioned to be caretakers and nurturers—it’s easy to forget that we, too, need nurturing and care.
I don’t accept help from one friend knowing that I’ll owe her one later. I accept help from a friend knowing that when I am in a place of strength, I will be able to contribute to the village at large.
We show up for the whole village, not just the people who have shown up for us.
Actually ask. It’s so hard. I know. But it won’t get easier until you try. Tell yourself you are worth supporting. Start small, with minor requests that are easily reciprocated. Direct your first requests to your inner circle, the people who love you the most. When you get a positive response, it will train your brain not to be so afraid next time you need something.
ISOLATION MINDSET: My feelings are too messy and embarrassing to share with anyone else. If other people knew what was inside my head, they’d run away screaming. VILLAGE MINDSET: Vulnerability is the portal to connection. Opening it can be terrifying, but the payoff is worth the risk.
