I Was Told There'd Be a Village: Transforming Motherhood through the Power of Connection

by Melissa Wirt

It is one of the great tragedies of my life that Kim hit the moment when she could be open with me before I could be a real friend to her. I just couldn’t meet her where she was emotionally. Eventually, the friendship fell apart.

One study showed that it can take more than 220 hours together before you consider someone a close friend,2 so clearly you need to use the strategies in this book to make sure you spend time together.

THE THREE STAGES OF VULNERABILITY

Stage 1: Sharing minor imperfections.

Stage 2: Sharing mistakes and misjudgments.

Stage 3: Sharing feelings of deep unworthiness.

Give-and-take. Your friends are not dumping grounds for your problems. You will build a truer, stronger connection if you are willing to listen without judgment to your friend’s confessions as well as sharing your own. If what you hear from the person across from you sounds familiar, say so! Nothing builds connection faster than a “Same, girl; same.”

ISOLATION MINDSET: I’ve tried making friends, but I feel as lonely as ever. I give up. VILLAGE MINDSET: There are going to be setbacks, heartbreaks, and WTF moments when building a village. When they happen, we’ve got to pick ourselves up and try again.

At some point on your journey, you may find yourself in the position of pulling back from a relationship. We hold on to some friendships longer than we should—sometimes out of habit, sometimes out of guilt—but there is freedom in granting yourself permission to move on when the time comes.

End a bad relationship to make room for a better one. Is there someone in your life who drains your energy instead of boosting it? Consider that it might be a favor to both of you to find a way to ease out of the relationship.

ISOLATION MINDSET: For better or for worse, the family I’m born into is the one I’ve got. VILLAGE MINDSET: Our idea of family can expand to include new members—and new relationships within our family of origin.

Today, my mom is not in the same place in her life as she was when I was a kid, and as a grandparent, she is getting a chance at a do-over. She has learned to parent in a new way with her grandchildren, slowing down and talking to my kids about how they are feeling. This has been healing for both of us. I’ll be honest: when I watch her gentleness, there are moments when the younger version of me grieves over what I didn’t receive.

Our village can be made up of our chosen family. We get to decide what that village looks like and who will be in it.

For their part, my kids quickly realized that the excellent thing about having a childfree adult in the house was that they didn’t have to share her with other kids.

ISOLATION MINDSET: I’ve been working on this “village” thing for a while now, and it doesn’t look or feel like a series of perfect concentric circles of relationships. I must be doing it wrong. VILLAGE MINDSET: Every village is a work in progress. The only wrong way to build a village is to let an isolation mindset prevent us from trying.

ISOLATION MINDSET: No one is coming to help me. I guess I have to navigate the difficulties of motherhood on my own. VILLAGE MINDSET: Motherhood can be grueling, infuriating, and terrifying, but it doesn’t have to be lonely. There are millions of women like us out there with hearts full of compassion and a need for connection. We’ve got this. We’ve got you.