Sober Dope & Sundays (Weekday Weirdos)

by Nordika Night

“Are you neurodivergent? On the spectrum?” he asks while blushing. “No. I was tested. I’m just weird.” I shrug.

And no, not really anyone in particular. Yet. No. Not at all. There’s this guy…”

I’ve never really had a hobby that sticks. My neuro-spicy mind makes me fixate hard and drop it fast.

Me...

You just… most people look at me like I’m weird and then don’t know how to act around me. But you looked at me like I was weird but acted like it didn’t throw you off. Which was disappointing because I was really setting myself up to be let down by you.”

“What’d your therapist say about sex?” There’s that thwack again. “Which part specifically?” “Can you have it?” “Alexei,” I groan.

I’m not asking because I want to have sex with you. I’m just an inquisitive person.” I stop and look at him. “And okay, I kind of want to have sex with you.”

“I ask a lot of questions.” “I know.” “I’ll even ask the questions that have hard and very personal answers. If you don’t develop some boundaries with me, I’ll probably know more about you than your therapist.”

I have a daily arousal journal. Cool, eh? Here are my entries, and they’re quite eye-opening. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Alexei wore blue. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Alexei asked me an intrusive question and then blushed about it. Nothing. Alexei smiled at me. Alexei texted me and I saw the blue heart. Nothing. Alexei showed up at my front door and told me we were sanding drywall. Alexei breathed.

What is it about him that turns you on?” “Everything. Look at my lame entries.” “Alexei breathed,” she reads, chuckling.

Sadness overcomes me because I can never just have something nice without ruining it.

Because of what he and my mom put me through, I hold clout and status that most children don’t. I became their parent figure at a young age, and because of it, our power dynamic shifted. Biologically, he’s my dad. Fundamentally, we’re just family. Father and son with no father and son roles.

Gage Rossum is my soulmate. I just need to be patient until he figures it out.

“Double asshole premium. One count for your lack of effort, and one count for your physical appearance, which also took no effort. Oh, and there’s a douchebag tax for just being a general douche.” “Fees are getting pretty high.” “You can afford it.” I point to the annual income numbers on his website stats. “You’re worth everything I have to give, Alexei.”

EEEEEEEEE

He’s not supposed to say such sweet things after telling me he won’t be with me because he will actively ruin my life.

The laptop tilts. Because. Of. My. Boner.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I should not be flirting with you.” Yes. Yes, you should.

I look right into his deep brown eyes, trying to subliminally inform him that he’s my soulmate.

“Don’t let me hurt you, Alexei.” “Give me more credit, Gage.” “Alexei.” “Gage.”

Hot

“There’s also a non-flirting fee. Once you start giving in, I’ll bring it down in ten percent increments.” “You’re so expensive not to flirt with,” he says. “I know. So, to be financially smart, you should consider starting.”

Do not replace one addiction with an Alexei addiction.

Meanwhile, I’m just having a mental breakdown because… people know good stories about me?

Oh my heart

I’m more than just a junkie. I have a past that isn’t all about drugs and sex and crimes. I’m known for funny and kind things as well as bad things, and I never fucking realized that until this very moment.

“Hey,” Nick says. “What’re your intentions with my brother?” I know he’s being witty, but I answer anyway. “To convince him that this is a real date without actually stating so.”

He’s slow to pick up on the cues that we’re starting a relationship, so I inform him.

I understand addiction now. All my years of trying to get to the bottom of chasing a high and getting caught in a loop of ups and downs are making sense. I’d chase this feeling forever.

The blue of his eyes perfectly matches the hue of his hair in this lighting, and my god, pale blue is my forever favourite colour now. Icy yet calm. So Alexei.

“Yeah, but first, I’m gonna go take a pee in the upstairs bathroom. The one right inside Alexei’s room…” Nathan pins me with a hard look. “Hurt him, I’ll end you.”

“I know I’m not worthy of him…” “You are. But he’s everything to me, and I’ll protect him from anyone. You. Other men. Life. Everything.”

Why are you standing over me like a creepy ghost?” “I thought I was throwing out more of a guardian angel vibe?” I sit on the edge of his bed.

But… it was a date, okay? I took you to the diner and paid because it was a date, and I don’t want to pretend that it wasn’t because I want to date you even though you can do a million times better than me and I’m the last person you should be dating.

Remember all that stuff I said about ruining your life?” “Vividly.” “Well, I don’t want to do that, but I tend to have a shady track record, so… I might. By accident. So, before you go and plant me in the boyfriend box, you should slap a bunch of caution tape all over me and set warning alarms or something.”

Alexei’s smooth, naked torso glows in the moonlight is going into the arousal journal.

I have categorized your red flags and made subcategories under them, filed them with sticky tabs about warning signs and all your tells. I have you annotated in my mind, Gage.

“Hello?” I answer my phone. “Don’t answer. I’m hanging up and calling again.” “Why?” “Because. I’m going to leave you a voicemail,” Gage says.

So fucking cute

“Why not just tell me whatever you want to say?” “Because. I’m chickening out of saying it straight to your ear. I need to talk to a machine. Hang up. I miss you, but hang up.”

“Okay.” “Okay,” he says, breathless. “Okay,” I repeat.

It's giving The Fault in Our Stars

Dead silence on the line. We’re both holding our breath. I don’t know why I’m not hanging up. “Okay,” he says again. “Three. Two. Two. Two.” “One.” I smile as I end the call.

I literally cannot with these grown men acting so adorable

Gage, whether he knows it yet or not, is my soulmate,

“I know we’re doing everything backwards, but I’m trying not to fall in love with you so soon.”

Sir, this is a Wendy's

“You could make a straightjacket look cute, hun,” Mom says.

That's an insane thing to say but I'm stealing it

treating him like a human being I’m falling for instead of a substance I can abuse.

the twins shuffle into the kitchen, bickering about whether a taco is a sandwich or not. It isn’t. Is it?

Nick, on the other hand, has the biggest crush on the absolute wrong person. Owen’s best friend. Owen laughed his ass off at that, but Nick didn’t seem deterred.

Please write a book about that

“Not a fan of pet names?” I ask, honestly just wanting to get to know him. “I am, but I selfishly want my pet name to be unique. Like something only for me. You know how many ‘babys’ there are in the world? I don’t want to be one of them.”

But it's the best pet name :(

“You’re the only Gage I know, too. Although, I know a Gabe. How’s your sex journal?” God, he switches gears in a single breath. Always keeping me on my toes.

So, when we get cancer, it’ll be of our own making. You’ll get throat cancer from your cigarettes, and I’ll get bone cancer because I don’t drink enough milk. We’ll fade away together, but not because of each other.”

They are absolutely ridiculous I am so obsessed with them

She brings us right into her room, introduces herself to Alexei, and he introduces himself as ‘the guy’ I referred to,

Lmaoooo

“I’m thinking about having sex with your son!” I blurt, immediately sinking behind the hoist of Nathan’s shop. “Don’t kill me!”

Jesus Christ

And here he comes, all angry at me when you forced us to have breakfast together, which, by the way, makes this whole thing your fault,

God, I love it when he’s a dad.

Ugh, my heart