The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

The 5 Second Rule taught me that action is the answer. Thinking about your problems will never solve them. Waiting around to feel like doing something means you’ll never do it. It taught me that no one is coming to save you. You must save yourself from yourself. You have to force yourself to make little moves forward, all day, every day, especially when you don’t feel like it.

all the evidence pointed to a simple explanation: Small, Consistent Action Changes Everything

The problem with waiting is no one is coming. The only permission you need is your own.

Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you’ll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.

did you know that high-fiving yourself in the mirror is one of the fastest ways to rewire your mindset for self-confidence? Me either, and once I learned about it, I dug into the research and it became the topic of my New York Times bestselling book The High 5 Habit.

My life didn’t change because of one thing that I did; it changed because of the thousands of mornings where I woke up and didn’t feel like getting out of bed, but I 5-4-3-2-1 made myself do it.

Changing My Life Wasn’t Glamorous; It Was Grueling. I didn’t achieve success or financial freedom because of some secret. I did it because I was willing to do what most people won’t: I woke up every day, and regardless of how I felt, I kept slowly chipping away at my goals for over a decade, a painstakingly slow process.

You’ll never feel ready to change your life. One day, you just get tired of your own excuses and force yourself to do it.

Two years ago, I stumbled upon these two words: Let Them, and it was like flipping a switch in my life. The 5 Second Rule changed my relationship with myself. The Let Them Theory changed my relationship with other people.

What is stopping you from doing what you need to do or living your life the way you want to live it? What are you afraid of? I was shocked when I discovered the answer for myself: It was other people. Or rather, how I was letting other people impact me. I was spending too much time and energy managing or worrying about other people. What they do, what they say, what they think, how they feel, and what they expect from me. The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

If you’re struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or feel happier, I want you to hear this: The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people. We all do it, often without realizing it.

This book is here to help you take your power back. To stop wasting your time, energy, and happiness trying to control things you can’t control—like other people’s opinions, moods, or actions—and, instead, focus on the one thing you can control: you.

The Let Them Theory is about freedom. Two simple words—Let Them—will free you from the burden of trying to manage other people.

The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them. Here’s why this works: When you stop trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, you stop wasting your energy. You reclaim your time, your peace of mind, and your focus. You realize that your happiness is tied to your actions, not someone else’s behavior, opinions, or mood.

And, the more you let people be who they are, or feel what they feel, or think what they think, the better your relationships will be.

But this book isn’t just about introducing you to the Let Them Theory. It’s about a fundamental law of human nature: All human beings have a hardwired need for control. We all have an innate desire to control everything about our lives: our time, our thoughts, our actions, our environment, our plans, our future, our decisions, and our surroundings.

No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings.

Instead of wasting my energy on something I can’t control—what others say, think, and do—I poured my energy into what I can control: me. The result? I gained more control over my own life than I have ever had before.

Let Them is just the first half of the equation. There is a second, even more crucial step to this theory: Let Me.

Let Them wasn’t about giving in. It was about releasing myself from the control I never had in the first place.

the urge to control things comes from a very primal place: fear.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them. Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

If you’re familiar with Stoicism, Buddhism, Detachment Theory, or Radical Acceptance, you’ll recognize that Let Them and Let Me applies these teachings and turns them into a practical, everyday tool for improving your relationships and reclaiming your personal power.

The source of your power is not in managing other people; it’s in your response.

You cannot simply say Let Them and stop there. Many people forget the second step, Let Me—and this is a major mistake because Let Me is where your real power lies. It’s in Let Me that you take responsibility for your next move, for creating the life, relationships, and connection you want.

The fastest and most effective way to start using the Let Them Theory is to rise above the countless tiny stressors you face every day.

The reason it’s hard to manage your stress is that your reaction to what is happening around you is automatic and you feel your entire body go on edge.

stress actively hijacks the functioning of your brain.

If you’ve ever heard someone refer to the “fight, flight, or freeze response,” that’s the exact same thing as your “stress response”—meaning that when you are stressed, your amygdala is in control. This can cause rash decision-making and more impulsive behaviors.

When life is normal and you’re feeling good, your prefrontal cortex is the one driving most of your actions.

But, whenever something happens that makes you feel stressed, this is where you and I get in trouble because the response in our bodies and brains is automatic. Your amygdala takes over automatically.

when you’re stressed, you not only feel like you’re in survival mode, but from a neurological standpoint, your brain actually is in survival mode. Your goals . . . your dreams . . . your best self . . . your ability to be patient and nonreactive . . . it all goes right out the window.

Here’s how you do it: The moment anything happens that stresses you out, say Let Them. Put yourself in pause. Then say Let Me and take a breath. Let Me take another breath. Slow your stress response. Calm your body and brain down. Take control and regain your power.

Focusing on what you can’t control makes you stressed. Focusing on what you can control makes you powerful.

Every time you say Let Them, you acknowledge that you cannot control this situation that is stressing you out. When you say Let Me, you are following Dr. Nerurkar’s advice and focusing on what you can control, which is your response to these stressful situations.

If you want to achieve your goals, be more present, feel more confident, and be happier, you must stop allowing other people to stress you out.

work is the #1 cause of life stress for most people—and your manager has as much impact on your mental health as your spouse.

I find it helpful in these stressful moments to just say Let Them, take a pause, and consider: Is this going to bother me in an hour? Is this going to bother me in a week? Or is this something that just bothers me right now?

When you navigate your life trying to predict what people are going to think and say about you, you give your power away. Instead of overthinking every move you make, what if you just Let Them think whatever the heck they want to think? It’s life-changing to free yourself of this burden.

What if you gave yourself permission to live your life, and you gave other people permission to think whatever they want about it? What if you pour your time and energy into your hobbies, your habits, your happiness?

Build a simple website with photos of you on a stage, plus a description of your keynote and the main takeaways. Get testimonials from a few event planners at past events you have spoken at and put them on the website. And then most important: Start posting about speaking online. Turn your social media into your marketing. Post photos from events. Post content related to your speech.

This stupid fear kept me from marketing my business, something I wanted to make my full-time career, for years. I gave other people’s opinions more weight and importance than my own ability to get ahead in life. Talk about giving your power away.

You can’t even control half the thoughts that pop into your own mind. Why the heck do you think you can control what pops up in someone else’s?

Frame of Reference is a fancy way to say “understanding the lens through which somebody sees something,” and it works beautifully with the Let Them Theory.

When you say Let Them, you make a decision to let people think negative thoughts about you. When you say Let Me, you focus on the one person whose opinion truly matters—yours.

most adults are just eight-year-old children inside of big bodies. The next time you’re with this person and you feel yourself getting triggered by something they say or some way that they act, I want you to just imagine the fourth-grade version of them present in the room with you. Because what you’re describing is someone who has the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old. And, like it or not, that’s most adults.”

When someone pulls the silent treatment on you, or plays the victim, or erupts in frustration, Let Them. And then I want you to visualize an eight-year-old trapped inside their body. When you do that, something wild happens. You don’t feel scared of this person. You actually pity them. You feel compassion instead of contempt.

This is the hardest part of the Let Them Theory to put into practice—learning to feel my raw emotions without immediately reacting. It’s hard.

When you feel your emotions rising up, Let Them. Allow the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, the grief, the tears, and the feelings of failure to come up. Let Them. And then, Let Me not react.

you can always choose what you think, say, or do in response to other people, the world around you, or the emotions that are rising up inside of you. That’s the source of all your power.