The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

The best way to start this conversation is to first apologize. You could say something like, “I want to apologize for judging and pressuring you, and I realized I’ve never asked you how you feel about your . . .”

the question invites someone to really experience the tension between how they truly feel about where they are, and the fact that they are not doing anything about it.

no matter what their answer to the first question is, you’re not going to share your feelings about it. You’re just going to repeat back their answer: “So it sounds like . . .” So it sounds like you’re feeling okay about your health?

If they answer in a one-word response—“Okay”—no problem. Just turn it into another open-ended question. What makes you feel okay about it?

And here’s a question that Dr. Ablon uses in his clinical practice that I just love: Have you thought about what YOU might want to do about this?

that is your goal: to make them feel the tension between their current behavior and what they actually want.

People do well when they can. Not when they want to do well, but when they can. By asking all these open-ended questions, you might just discover that the person you love wants to do well, they just don’t think they can right now. It’s not an issue of motivation. What’s in their way is a lack of belief in their ability to change—they don’t think they can. I love this because it shifts you from a place of judgment to compassion,

The point of this technique is not to get them to tell you the truth. It’s to create discomfort that they feel internally. They may not express it to you. That tension is critical, because it ultimately becomes the source of their motivation to change.

you have to celebrate any progress you see. Whenever they make the smallest move forward, celebrate it.

So often, we approach change with negative reinforcements, threats, pressure, and fear, when the real success lies in being accepting, compassionate, and showing your support in a genuine and effective way.

Problem: Pressure doesn’t create change; it creates resistance to it.

The tension and disconnection are being created by your pressure. Truth: Adults only change when they feel like changing.

The key piece of this is creating the space for someone else to believe the change is their idea. Not yours.

People only heal when they are ready. And if they haven’t, it’s because they aren’t ready. When someone you love is going through an internal struggle, they will not get better for you, their kids, or their family. They have to want to get better for themselves.

In times of struggle, what the other person needs is acceptance. Let Them struggle.

The more you try to rescue someone from their problems, the more likely they will continue to drown in them. The more you judge someone for their behavior, the better they will get at lying to you about it.

You can’t control their anxious reactions. Your power is in your response. Here’s how you can use Let Me to offer that support: Let Me validate what they are feeling: “Oh, honey, I’m sorry you feel so scared.” Let Me separate my emotions from theirs: “This is hard for me, too, to see you so sad.” Let Me comfort the person I love who is struggling: A hug always does wonders. And then Let Me support them by assuring them that they have within them the ability to do something that feels hard.

And if you’re reading this, and your parents are paying for your therapy, or your rent, or your education, or your phone bill, or any aspect of your life, I have news for you: They get to vote on how you’re living your life.

If you are sick of your parents’ opinions about what you should be doing, then start paying your own bills.

Let Them doesn’t mean leave them alone.

The Let Them Theory teaches you that helping others doesn’t mean solving their problems for them—it means giving them the space and tools to do it themselves.

You will find the right relationship by saying no to the wrong ones.

one of the fundamental takeaways from this book: People only do what they feel like doing. Yes, you can influence them. But if you keep wanting them to change, and they don’t, it not only weakens your love. It creates resentment.

the ABC Loop and the power of your influence: A: APOLOGIZE, then ASK open-ended questions. B: BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR. C: CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model the CHANGE.

One of the hardest parts about waiting, and just letting them be, is that moment when your loved ones complain about the natural consequences of their behavior. Like how much money they have spent on vaping. (But they are still vaping.) Or how much they hate their job. (But they haven’t looked for a new one.)

My friend shared that her husband was complaining the other day that he was so winded during pickleball that he had to step out of the game with his friends. When that happens, your tendency is to want to reassure someone. Don’t do it. Let their complaint hang in the air. Don’t respond. Let Them sit with it. Say nothing. Let Them experience their feelings. Let the silence do the work for you. Let Them feel the consequences of their actions.

And then, Let Me use science. Ask them an open-ended question. “Why does this upset you?” or “What do you want to do about this?” or something else.

these open-ended questions are what researchers call motivational interviewing. It makes your partner reflect on the conflict between what they truly want to change in their lif...

Step D: DECIDE if this is a DEAL BREAKER or not.

Step E: END your bitching or END the relationship.

as you let go of the surface-level stuff that is never going to change, you’ll probably start to see the deeper things you have been taking for granted.

The fact is, 69 percent of the problems in your relationship are not resolvable. This statistic comes from 40 years of scientific research conducted by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the most famous relationship researchers on the planet (who also happen to be married). They’ve found that the #1 issue that couples fight about is things that will never change:

As you’ve navigated through the challenges of love, heartbreak, and everything in between, it’s important to pause and recognize a fundamental truth: A relationship doesn’t make you worthy of love. Your existence does. You will spend your entire life from the day you are born to the day you die with only one person: you. You are the only love of your life.

there’s one relationship that underpins them all, and it’s the one you have with yourself.

If you still think other people are the problem, you need to go back and read this entire book again. The truth is simple: YOU hold the power. And YOU are the one who has been giving it away.

No matter what happens around you, you decide how it will affect you.

There is no difference between you and the people you see achieving extraordinary things. They aren’t special. But there’s one thing for sure they’ve figured out: They don’t let the world around them derail their dreams.

Taking back your power means reclaiming responsibility for your life. It means demanding more of yourself because time is ticking, and you’ve wasted enough of it worrying about things that don’t matter. It means being laser-focused on the things you can control and not giving a single second to the things you can’t.