The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

It’s so simple: The moment you have an instinct to act, you have to physically move within five seconds, or your brain will talk you out of it. Just start counting backward—5-4-3-2-1 and move. Take action before hesitation kicks in.

The 5 Second Rule taught me that action is the answer. Thinking about your problems will never solve them.

Maybe you’re doing that right now. Waiting for the right time. Waiting to feel ready or a little less afraid. Waiting for someone to come along and tell you that today is the day to start. The problem with waiting is no one is coming. The only permission you need is your own.

Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you’ll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.

I don’t say any of this to brag. I say this to tell you that you have no idea what you’re capable of, and neither did I. Through action, I have achieved some extraordinary things, and so can you.

You’ll never feel ready to change your life. One day, you just get tired of your own excuses and force yourself to do it.

The 5 Second Rule changed my relationship with myself. The Let Them Theory changed my relationship with other people.

Or rather, how I was letting other people impact me. I was spending too much time and energy managing or worrying about other people. What they do, what they say, what they think, how they feel, and what they expect from me. The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

If you’re struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or feel happier, I want you to hear this: The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

And here’s the remarkable thing: When you stop managing everyone else, you’ll realize you have a lot more power than you thought—you’ve just unknowingly been giving it away.

Here’s why this works: When you stop trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, you stop wasting your energy. You reclaim your time, your peace of mind, and your focus. You realize that your happiness is tied to your actions, not someone else’s behavior, opinions, or mood.

Learning how to let adults be adults has changed my life.

And here’s the sad truth: You and I, we can’t stop the ice cube from melting. The only thing we can do is make the most of the time that we have with the people that we love while we have it. In

Let. Them. It’s their prom, not yours. Stop controlling it or judging it, or managing it, and LET THEM.

So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

I will be honest with you: In these types of painful situations, you’re going to have to keep saying Let Them over and over, because when something hurts, the hurt doesn’t just disappear. It rises up again and again. So don’t be surprised when you find yourself having to repeat Let Them again and again.

We hover over our kids, making sure they make the “right” decisions. We try to influence our partner’s habits, worrying that if we don’t step in, they’ll somehow get it wrong. We even impose our opinions on friends, believing we know better than they do about how their lives should unfold.

I’ve felt that fear a lot in my life. Fear that if I didn’t make things happen, I’d be forgotten. Fear that I wouldn’t be liked or accepted. Fear that without me at the helm, things would unravel. And let’s be real—control gives us the illusion of safety. When we’re in control, we believe we can protect ourselves from pain, disappointment, rejection.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them. Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

By practicing Let Them and Let Me, you’re applying the core principle of Stoicism: Focus on yourself, because that’s where your true power lies.

Buddhism and Radical Acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality. The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they are.

Detachment Theory teaches us how to emotionally distance ourselves from situations that trigger us.

profound truth: choosing peace is not weakness—it is power.

I’ve had a lot of people ask if Let Them is the same thing as “letting it go.” It is not. Letting go feels like you’ve lost. You’re surrendering to something beyond your control. Let Them is the opposite: it’s strength.

Anytime you internalize other people’s thoughts, actions, and feelings as evidence that somehow you’re a bad person or you’ve done something wrong, you just gave other people power. And it shifts the dynamic and balance in the relationship. You feel beneath them.

Let Them is just the first half of the equation. You cannot stop there. There is a second, critical part to the theory—Let Me. The source of your power is not in managing other people; it’s in your response. When you say Let Me, you’re tapping into that power by taking responsibility for what you do, think, or say next. Let Me makes you realize that you are in control of what happens next and that life is more fun and fulfilling when you’re not sitting alone in your superiority.

Let Them is not an excuse to stop answering your phone, to shrug your shoulders, to refuse to talk it out with a friend or family member who is hurt, to stay in a situation that hurts you, or to ignore discrimination or dangerous behavior. It’s not a license to give someone the silent treatment, ghost people, avoid hard conversations, or withdraw from your relationships.

When you let the world around you impact your emotional state and peace of mind, you become a prisoner to these external forces. You’re letting trivial nonsense dictate your mood, drain your motivation, and steal your focus.

For me, it was a revelation to learn that stress is your body and brain switching between two functions. It’s empowering to know that I can switch back to normal functioning and that it’s not hard to do, using the Let Them Theory.

Let Me stay engaged and vocal on the issues I care about and do something that can change the future of my local, national, and global politics. Don’t sit around and wait for someone else to clean up the mess that you see.

Margaret Mead said: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”

The truth is, people will have negative opinions about you and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this fact. When you allow your fear of what other people think to stop you from doing what you want to do, you become a prisoner to other people's opinions.

Instead of overthinking every move you make, what if you just Let Them think whatever the heck they want to think? It’s life-changing to free yourself of this burden.

What if you gave yourself permission to live your life, and you gave other people permission to think whatever they want about it? What if you pour your time and energy into your hobbies, your habits, your happiness?

Here’s another truth: Just because someone has a negative opinion doesn’t mean they feel negatively about you as a whole. I can think a bad thought about my husband and still love him and treat him with so much respect and kindness, because two things can be true at once. You can be annoyed by the way someone is acting and still love them to death.

Instead of wasting your time worrying about them, start living your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself.

Here’s another truth: You are so much stronger than anyone’s opinions about you. Stop giving your power to other people and step into your potential.

Let Me live my life in a way that makes me proud. Let Me make decisions that align with my values. Let Me take risks because I want to. Let Me follow the path my soul is turning me toward.

The point is learning how to put your needs first as you’re balancing what works for you with the expectations and feelings of other people. In life, you don’t want to be a doormat, but you also don’t want to be an inconsiderate bulldozer. It’s a balance.

The reason to make a herculean effort, or to show up both at your friend’s birthday party and to see your grandparents, is that it makes YOU proud of yourself. Don’t go to your friend’s birthday so they think you are a good friend. Go to your friend’s birthday because it makes YOU feel like a good friend. Don’t go home to see your grandparents because it makes your mother happy. Go home to see your grandparents because it makes YOU happy to prioritize your grandparents and family. When you operate in a way that makes you proud of yourself, it doesn’t matter what other people think.

Someone is always going to be disappointed by the decisions that you make. Don’t ever let it be you that’s disappointed. And don’t let guilt drive your decisions.

Family tends to be a lot harsher to your face because they have a stake in your happiness and your success.

were born. They have known you the longest. They feel entitled to their opinions because they think they know what’s best for you. (Which is typically also what feels best for them.) Plus, everyone in your family has expectations about each other and the way the family should operate.

Knowing that people will have a reaction because you’re part of an interlocked web of relationships that has been in place for generations can help you navigate this better. I’m not saying that those expectations or that system is right. I’m just saying that it’s the reality. And I find understanding the larger context of any situation helps me stay in control of how I show up in my family.

this will send shock waves through the entire family system because it disrupts everybody’s expectations and beliefs about who you are and how you should live your life.

As the adult, it’s your responsibility to Let Them grieve. Let Them see you (and your kids) as a threat, because no matter how good your intentions are, you are a threat.

They are seeking control, just like you are. Let Them feel their emotions.

Understanding the larger context and acknowledging their completely normal fears will help you focus on the Let Me part and operate with more grace to be the wise and compassionate adult. The more grace and kindness you display, the more space you create for a change in the dynamic to happen.

So, what happens when your loved ones don’t agree with the way you are living your life or who you are as a person? I can relate. Here’s what you are going to do about it. Let Them. Don’t try to change their opinion. Give them the freedom to have it. Whether it’s your stepkids, your sister-in-law, your grandmother, or your brother, they are allowed to think whatever they want. And they are even allowed not to like you or the person you love. So, Let Them. And then, Let Me choose how to respond.

But now I am grateful for the Let Them Theory because I also deeply understand my mom, and why she felt reluctant 30 years ago. It wasn’t judgment; it was grief. She wasn’t wrong. She was right. But I wasn’t wrong either.