The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

One reason why it’s so challenging to navigate these types of situations is because you both believe you are right. From their lived experience, or Frame of Reference, they believe their opinion is right. From your lived experience, or Frame of Reference, you know your opinion is right. With the Let Them Theory, there is space, with acceptance and understanding, for both of our opinions to be true. There is space for a deeper connection, honesty, and love.

You have to decide whether or not you’re going to accept people as they are (your family or stepfamily especially) or create the distance that you need.

Because the truth is: You have limited time with your loved ones. At some point, you’re going to realize that your parents aren’t going to be here forever, and that this was their first time as a human being too. People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.

But the fact is, most human beings have never done the work to understand themselves, heal their past, or manage their own emotions. If they haven’t done that for themselves, they are incapable of doing that for you and showing up in a way that you deserve.

Then you move to the second part, which is Let Me. Let Me figure out what kind of relationship I want to create, based on the kind of person I want to be and the values that I have.

This could mean spending time with your family not out of guilt, but because it matters to you. That might mean defining your own traditions even though it upsets your family. That might mean being one that always makes the effort even when it is not returned. It might mean saying “I love you” or “I understand” or “I forgive you” for the first time. That might mean having the hard conversations that you have been avoiding out of fear of their opinions or judgment. That might mean freeing yourself from guilt and making some changes. And it might mean separating yourself because you no longer are willing to accept less than you deserve. And it might mean going all in while you still have time.

you’re allowing other people’s behaviors and reactions to drain your energy. But it goes deeper than that. Their passive-aggressive behavior, guilt trips, and emotional outbursts are driving your decisions. This is why you say yes when you really want to say no. You cave when you should stand firm. This is why it’s hard for you to set boundaries.

When you say Let Them, you give other people the space to feel their emotions without needing to fix them. When you say Let Me, you do what’s right for you, even if it upsets someone, which is how you take responsibility for your own life.

compassionate way. That might look like bending down and saying, “I know this is hard. I know you want the Lego set. It’s okay to be upset. I get disappointed too. It’s not fair. I get upset when I don’t get the things that I want.” Let Them cry, beg, or do whatever they need, for as long as they need. If kids are not allowed to experience the full wave of emotion (without an adult saying “calm down,” or “this is silly,” or “you’re overreacting”), they never learn how to process normal human emotions in a healthy way.

It’s your responsibility to help a child create space to process their own range of emotions. But it is not your responsibility to manage another adult’s emotional reactions.

They use the silent treatment because they don’t know how to process their own emotions, and they are trying to get you to come over to them and ask what’s wrong so they don’t have to do it for themselves.

Dr. Ramani has taught me that “hoping someone will change is what keeps you trapped in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature or worse, emotionally abusive.” This has nothing to do with you. This person is not changing. You are the one who needs to change. And that’s where the Let Them Theory is life-altering. Let Them. Anytime an adult acts like an eight-year-old child, Let Them.

It is not your responsibility to manage their emotions or try to fix them. Your responsibility is to protect yourself from their emotional spiral, and to see it for what it is: A person who has no idea how to handle or express their emotions in a healthy way.

Let Them go silent. Let Them erupt. Let Them play the victim. Let Them sulk. Let Them deny that it happened. Let Them make it all about them. Then, Let Me. Let Me be the mature, wise, and loving adult in this situation. Let Me decide if I want to address this directly or not at all. Let Me remind myself that managing another person’s emotions is not my job. Let Me remove myself from any text chain, dinner table conversation, relationship, or friend group where this is happening.

Research shows that most emotions will rise up, and then fall away, within 90 seconds, if you don’t react to them.

Learning how to let other adults manage their own emotions will change your life. So will learning how to let your own emotions rise and fall while still communicating what you need to, even when it is very painful to do so. And there will be times when making the right decision for yourself is going to be one of the hardest things you have to do in life.

When the stakes feel this high, the right answer always feels wrong.

There will be many times in your life when people are going to be mad, disappointed, or heartbroken by the things you say or do. There just will be. You have to be able to separate yourself from your emotions and the emotional reactions of others when you’re determining the right decision to make.

You can’t let your emotions drive your decisions, because they will often stop you from making the right decisions.

It feels easier to avoid it, because avoiding it means that you don’t have to face it. But easier now makes it way harder later. Avoiding the hard conversations now won’t make them any better next year.

The only conflict is the conflict you’re going to feel internally about how your decisions are going to impact other people emotionally and how they’re going to react.

So ask yourself: What are you doing when you compare? Are you torturing yourself, or is it teaching you something important?

“The truth is you don’t have to be special. You just have to be what most people aren’t: consistent, determined, and willing to work for it.”

The truth is, your life is your responsibility. If you want financial success, it is your responsibility to create it. If you want a house that has queen bunk beds and a renovated kitchen, it is your responsibility to work for it. I had been avoiding that responsibility for a decade. This experience forced me to look in the mirror and be honest with myself about what I wanted.

If you can be honest with yourself about what you truly want, and take responsibility for creating it, you will. You don’t have to be special. You just have to get up every day, put one foot in front of the other, and work hard to do a little better, and be a little better, than you were yesterday.

There are three factors that I believe make great friendships possible: proximity, timing, and energy. These pillars are the invisible foundation every friendship is built on.

According to a University of Kansas study, to become a “casual” friend, you have to spend 74 hours with someone. And to become a “close” friend, you have to spend over 200 hours with someone.

As you just learned, from the ages of 21 to 60, you will spend more time with your co-workers than your friends and family combined, but here’s the catch:

Let Them will help you be flexible, be compassionate, and allow people to come and go. Let Me will remind you to stop sitting around expecting invitations, or assuming ill intent. It will motivate you to take the lead on reaching out to old friends, and put yourself out there to create new ones.

In the ABC Loop, you have three steps: A: APOLOGIZE, then ASK open-ended questions. B: BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR. C: CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model the CHANGE.

Here’s how you use the 5 Whys method: Ask yourself: Why does this person’s behavior (or this situation) bother me so much? Think about it, and write or say your answer. And then, ask it again: Why does that bother you? And then again: Why does that bother you? And then again: Why does that bother you? And then a final time: Why does that bother you?

Give yourself permission to get to the root cause even if you discover something ugly about yourself. Having done this exercise with thousands of people, one theme that comes up a lot that is very hard to see in yourself is judgment of the other person, and how their behavior reflects badly on you (or so you think).

“I want to apologize for judging and pressuring you, and I realized I’ve never asked you how you feel about your. . .” Health. Grades. Job search. Being single. Living situation. Marriage.

And I need to remind you again: You are just asking questions. Your opinions are irrelevant and they are not for this conversation. The second you offer one, you’ll be pressuring the person and it will kill the effectiveness of this technique.

Have you thought about what YOU might want to do about this?

What human beings want is to feel acceptance and love. They need to be in control of their own thoughts, actions, and decisions. Your power is in your influence.

Let Me validate what they are feeling: “Oh honey, I’m sorry you feel so scared.” Let Me separate my emotions from theirs: “This is hard for me, too, to see you so sad.” Let Me comfort the person I love who is struggling: A hug always does wonders. And then Let Me support them by assuring them that they have within them the ability to do something that feels hard.

It also takes bravery to see that someone’s not interested in you. It takes confidence to remind yourself that texting you is easy—but if they truly wanted to see you, they would be making plans. The second you start creating excuses and scenarios in your head, you are giving your power to the other person. Dating requires you to be very black and white when it comes to other people’s behavior. And that is the hard part.

Stop chasing the potential of who someone might be. Stop pouring your time and energy into people who do not give it back to you. Stop explaining away their disrespectful behavior. Stop giving your love to people who do not love you back. Stop making excuses for people who are clearly not interested in you. Stop chasing people who are not choosing to love you back. Stop playing the game.

Remember: You will find the right relationship by saying no to the wrong ones.

This is the hard part: Sometimes the people you choose aren’t going to choose you back. It will suck. You will feel demoralized. And you’ll be okay.

What I have noticed with couples is that the longer you are together, the more you want your partner to be like you. That’s not fair. So be honest with yourself. Do you just want them to be just like you, or is it that one of your fundamental needs in the relationship is not being met?

Both people want the relationship to work and are both willing to work on it to make it better. The issues that create problems do not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values.

Let Them be who they are. But more importantly, let yourself be who you truly are. Let Me prioritize my own happiness. Let Me pursue my dreams with passion. Let Me set boundaries that protect my peace. Let Me choose relationships that uplift and inspire me. Let Me love myself enough to walk away when it no longer works.