The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

I started calling this countdown technique the “5 Second Rule.” It’s so simple: The moment you have an instinct to act, you have to physically move within five seconds, or your brain will talk you out of it. Just start counting backward—5-4-3-2-1 and move. Take action before hesitation kicks in.

Counting backward requires focus and snaps you out of autopilot, giving you just enough of a push to get going. It helps you power through fear, doubt, or procrastination. Every time you count 5-4-3-2-1 it is like tipping the first domino. Momentum kicks in, and BOOM, you are no longer thinking about what you need to do, you are already doing it.

The 5 Second Rule taught me that action is the answer. Thinking about your problems will never solve them. Waiting around to feel like doing something means you’ll never do it. It taught me that no one is coming to save you. You must save yourself from yourself. You have to force yourself to make little moves forward, all day, every day, especially when you don’t feel like it.

We all struggle with motivation. It’s a universal problem, and the 5 Second Rule seems to be a solution that not only works for me but also works for people all over the world.

The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

packed with research, evidence, and stories of how you can apply the Let Them Theory—and you’ll learn that this approach is supported by ancient philosophies, therapeutic modalities, and the core teachings of the world’s major religions, Stoicism, and spiritual practices.

If you’re struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or feel happier, I want you to hear this: The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

To stop wasting your time, energy, and happiness trying to control things you can’t control—like other people’s opinions, moods, or actions—and, instead, focus on the one thing you can control: you. And here’s the remarkable thing: When you stop managing everyone else, you’ll realize you have a lot more power than you thought—you’ve just unknowingly been giving it away.

what does this look like? Imagine you’re at work, and your colleague is in a bad mood. Instead of letting their negativity affect you, just say Let Them. Let them be grumpy. It’s not your problem. Focus on your work and how you feel.

The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them. Here’s why this works: When you stop trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, you stop wasting your energy. You reclaim your time, your peace of mind, and your focus. You realize that your happiness is tied to your actions, not someone else’s behavior, opinions, or mood.

the more you let other people live their lives, the better your life gets. And, the more you let people be who they are, or feel what they feel, or think what they think, the better your relationships will be.

we can’t stop the ice cube from melting. The only thing we can do is make the most of the time that we have with the people that we love while we have it.

I started saying Let Them anytime I felt stressed, tense, or frustrated. . . and funny, I realized it was almost always regarding other people. Let my family be late to absolutely everything we go to. Let Grandma read the news out loud: “Did you hear about this. . .?” Let people hate the photo I just posted online. Let Oakley be mad that I’m not letting him stay out late tonight. Let them leave dishes in the sink. Let them do construction during the Monday-morning commute. Let my relatives be judgmental of my career. Let my mother-in-law disagree with my parenting. Let them be sold out of bagels at the bakery. Let the neighbor’s dog bark all day. Two simple words—Let Them—changed everything.

every single time I shared these two words Let Them, the impact was immediate. For example, one of the first videos I posted online about these two words said: If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, Let Them. If the person that you’re really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, Let Them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, Let Them. So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

We all have an innate desire to control everything about our lives: our time, our thoughts, our actions, our environment, our plans, our future, our decisions, and our surroundings. Feeling in control makes you feel comfortable and safe, so naturally you try to control everyone and everything around you—oftentimes, without even realizing it. But the fact is, there is one thing you will never be able to control. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings. For too long you’ve been working against this fundamental law of human nature. You’ve been fighting to change people, battling to control situations, worrying about what people say, think, or do; and in doing so, you’ve created unnecessary stress, tension, and friction for yourself and in your relationships.

the eight core areas of your life where the theory will have the biggest positive impact. We’ll talk about your relationships, career, emotions, opinions, stress, love life, struggles, chronic comparison, friendship, and most importantly, your relationship with yourself.

The truth is, other people should be one of the greatest sources of happiness, support, and love in your life. But they can’t be if you keep trying to control what they feel, say, and do.

let’s be real—control gives us the illusion of safety. When we’re in control, we believe we can protect ourselves from pain, disappointment, rejection. But it’s just that—an illusion of safety. Because no matter how much we try to control people or situations, the truth is, we can’t. People will do what they want to do. They’ll make their own choices, live their own lives.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them. Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

In Stoicism, the focus is on controlling your own thoughts and actions—not the thoughts or actions of others. This philosophy aligns perfectly with Let Them, which is about consciously allowing others to make their own choices and live their lives, without feeling the need to manage or influence their behavior.

Buddhism and Radical Acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality. The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they are. The Let Them Theory helps you not only accept reality but also separate yourself from the need to change it.

they ghost you. No response, no explanation. It stings, doesn’t it? You wonder what you did wrong, replaying every conversation, trying to figure out where it went off the rails. The temptation to text them again, to find some way to get closure, is almost overwhelming. Been there. But here’s where Let Them comes in. Let Them show you who they are. Their disrespect doesn’t say anything about you. How you respond does. Stop asking why they are doing this. The question is, why do you want to be with someone who does this to you? You don’t. Don’t waste your energy chasing someone who’s already left. Focus on what you can control: Processing your emotions and reminding yourself that you deserve someone who treats you with respect.

other people hold no real power over you, unless you give them that power. And every time you say Let Them, you choose to take it back.

There is a second, critical part to the theory—Let Me. The source of your power is not in managing other people; it’s in your response. When you say Let Me, you’re tapping into that power by taking responsibility for what you do, think, or say next. Let Me makes you realize that you are in control of what happens next and that life is more fun and fulfilling when you’re not sitting alone in your superiority.

What I love about Let Me is that it immediately shows you what you can control. And there’s so much you can control: Your attitude. . . your behavior. . . your values, your needs, your desires, and what YOU want to do in response to what just happened. It’s the opposite of judgment. Let Me is all about self-awareness, compassion, empowerment, and personal responsibility.

This is the crux of the Let Them Theory: Let Them and Let Me. The more you allow people to live their lives, the better your life will get. The more control you give up, the more you gain.

Let Me is where your real power lies. It’s in Let Me that you take responsibility for your next move, for creating the life, relationships, and connection you want. Without this step, you’ll find yourself disconnected rather than empowered.

It’s time to take full responsibility for your happiness, your dreams, and your life. After all, responsibility is simply the ability to respond. And as you’ve just learned, true power lies in your response. You are capable of creating anything that you want if you are willing to put the time and energy into working for it. Your Let Me era is here. And that means you must stop wasting your time and energy on petty, shallow, and insignificant things. And it also means that you have to stop trying to control the one thing you can’t: other people.

There’s this famous quote about life from Greek philosopher Epictetus, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” What does that mean? It means that your personal power is in how you react.

the fundamental law of human nature: You can’t control what other people say, think, or do. Anytime you try to, you lose your power. You must learn to focus on what you say, think, or do. That’s how you remain in control.

The moment you say Let Them, you are signaling to your brain that it’s okay: This isn’t worth stressing about. You are telling your amygdala to turn off. You are resetting that stress response by detaching from the negative emotion you feel. Here’s how you do it: The moment anything happens that stresses you out, say Let Them. Put yourself in pause. Then say Let Me and take a breath. Let Me take another breath. Slow your stress response. Calm your body and brain down. Take control and regain your power.

Catching your stress response using Let Them and Let Me empowers you to choose what you say, think, or do instead of allowing your emotions to hijack your response. No more rage texts, or snapping at your loved ones, or wasting hours crafting an email at work.

Focusing on what you can’t control makes you stressed. Focusing on what you can control makes you powerful.

If you want to achieve your goals, be more present, feel more confident, and be happier, you must stop allowing other people to stress you out. In life, there will be things you can control, and things that you can’t. There will be situations that are fair, and situations that are not. You get to decide what stresses you out and for how long.

When you say Let Them, you stop trying to control what someone else is doing. When you say Let Me, you take responsibility for how you respond to it, which is not always obvious. Every situation is different and learning how to choose what type of response is worth your time and energy, and what isn’t, will change your life.

Let Me is an opportunity for you to put your time, energy, and values at the center of your life. It’s where you get to choose what’s worth your attention and what isn’t. How do you decide what’s right for you? Particularly when it’s a really stressful situation? Great question. I find it helpful in these stressful moments to just say Let Them, take a pause, and consider: Is this going to bother me in an hour? Is this going to bother me in a week? Or is this something that just bothers me right now? If I’m still thinking about it an hour from now, I should do something. If it’s going to matter in a week or a year, then I definitely need to do something.

Let Me stay engaged and vocal on the issues I care about and do something that can change the future of my local, national, and global politics. Don’t sit around and wait for someone else to clean up the mess that you see. If it matters, be the one everyone else is waiting for. Create the change you want to see. That’s the power of Let Me. I like to remind myself of what Professor Margaret Mead said: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”

All it takes is one person to do the right thing. And if it bothers you enough, that person is you. Something can always be done. You can make a difference. And if it doesn’t matter enough for you to get involved, then stop complaining about it. It just stresses you out. And as you are learning, that’s dumb. Talk is cheap. If it really bothers you, dedicate some time and energy to changing it.

When you say Let Them, you make a decision not to allow other people’s behavior stress you out or bother you. When you say Let Me, you reset your stress response and take responsibility for how you respond. It’s time to reclaim all your time and energy for what matters most to you.

Poet Mary Oliver asked this question in her poem “The Summer Day”: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

The truth is, people will have negative opinions about you and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this fact. When you allow your fear of what other people think to stop you from doing what you want to do, you become a prisoner to other people’s opinions. This fear impacts every aspect of your life. It makes you procrastinate. It makes you doubt yourself. It paralyzes you with perfectionism. It’s the reason you overthink. This is where that ends. It’s time to give people the freedom to think what they want. Let Them. It’s time to set yourself free and Let Me make the small moves boldly and unapologetically that over time will transform your entire life.

Remember the fundamental law of human nature: You can’t control what another adult says, does, or thinks. Try to and you’ll regret it. The more you Let Them think what they want, the better your life gets.

Most advice on this topic sucks. Most people tell you to just “stop caring” about what other people think. But no one tells you how. It’s time for a new approach. Using the Let Them Theory, you’ll adopt a revolutionary approach to squashing this fear once and for all: Give people the freedom to think negative thoughts about you. It is a radically beautiful idea that will unlock your confidence, free your self-expression, and catapult you into a whole new chapter of your life. Give people the freedom to think something negative about you. Let Them. It not only works. It’s science.

it is impossible to control someone else’s thoughts. Therefore, fearing what other people think, or trying to control their thoughts, is a complete waste of your time. You will never feel in control of your life, your feelings, your thoughts, or your actions until you stop being consumed with or trying to control what other people think about you. I will say it again: Adults will have negative opinions about you—no matter what you do. Why? Because adults are allowed to think whatever they want.

Because everybody has critical opinions about people they love as well as total strangers. It is a fact of life. Embrace it and accept it. Instead of trying to change reality, start using it to your advantage. Let Them. Here’s another truth: Just because someone has a negative opinion doesn’t mean they feel negatively about you as a whole. I can think a bad thought about my husband and still love him and treat him with so much respect and kindness, because two things can be true at once. You can be annoyed by the way someone is acting and still love them to death.

It’s also easy to feel frustrated and annoyed with the dynamics with your siblings, or your divorced parents, or your in-laws, or your stepparents, or your adult children. It’s easy to choose not to understand their perspectives. You have to decide whether or not you’re going to accept people as they are (your family or stepfamily especially) or create the distance that you need. All it takes is one person to change the way they show up in a family, and the entire system can change for the better. And that person is you.

That’s why I love the Let Them Theory so much. By learning to focus on what you can control—your thoughts, your actions, your energy, your healing—you unlock the power to change not only yourself but the world around you. It all starts with you. That’s how much power you have. Anytime you improve yourself, it improves all your relationships. And this is particularly true with family. I have felt the impact in my own family. The stuff that used to bother me doesn’t stress me out anymore. I don’t allow myself to get sucked into the drama. And I stay laser focused on how I show up and live my life in a way that makes me proud. One of the things that I have determined for myself is that it is important for me to have a close relationship with my family. And wasting my time and energy allowing them to stress me out or trying to control situations that are beyond my control is a waste of time.

When you say Let Them, you are seeing your family exactly as they are for the first time in your life, perhaps. They are human. You have no control over what happened. You have no control over who they are. You can only control what you do from this point forward. Accepting the reality of your situation doesn’t mean you’re surrendering to it. Instead, it’s about reclaiming your power to shape your future. Learn how to let adults be adults and accept people as they are. Then decide how to make the best of it, and I promise you your family dynamics will get better. This acceptance allows you to see your family with compassion, and more importantly, it allows you to see yourself as an individual who has their own unique Frame of Reference and path in life. Then you move to the second part, which is Let Me. Let Me figure out what kind of relationship I want to create, based on the kind of person I want to be and the values that I have.

When you say Let Them, you give other people the space to feel their emotions without needing to fix them. When you say Let Me, you do what’s right for you, even if it upsets someone, which is how you take responsibility for your own life. It’s time to stop being manipulated by someone else’s guilt, anger, or disappointment. Other people’s emotional reactions are not your responsibility to manage. I learned this from my therapist, Dr. Anne Davin, who is a depth psychologist, writer, and the smartest woman I’ve ever met. One day, I was talking with her about creating boundaries with a particularly difficult family member.

growing up, you were probably taught to repeatedly repress what you feel. When you tell a child to “get over it” or “stop crying” or “calm down,” you are training them to suppress how they feel. To distract, avoid, or numb these normal human emotions. Dr. Damour told me that is why so many people live with anxiety, depression, addiction, or chronic pain—because they have avoided all the emotions over the years that then build up inside of them without any outlet.