The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

Allow yourself to be honest. When you see that it’s been about YOU all along, and your need to control, it is easier to drop the pressure and Let Them be. And that puts you into a grounded place as you go into your conversation using the ABC Loop. Which begins with:

Adults only do what they feel like doing. Your power is in your positive influence. Let Them be. And Let Me use the science to inspire change. Let Them helps you rise above the emotions and broken dynamics to strengthen your connection, while Let Me influences positive behavior change in the people you love.

Adults only change when they feel like changing. Human beings have a hardwired survival instinct to be in control of every aspect of their life. Anytime someone feels like they are being forced to do something, they will fight back—and you will find yourself locked in a battle for control. What human beings want is to feel acceptance and love. They need to be in control of their own thoughts, actions, and decisions. Your power is in your influence.

When you say Let Them, you are accepting other people as they are, removing tension and pressure, and letting them have control over the way they live their life. When you say Let Me, you use neuroscience to your advantage and unlock your power of influence to motivate someone else to change. Let adults be adults, and let your influence inspire them to change.

Watching someone you love struggle with their mental health, crippling grief, or an addiction is one of the hardest experiences you will face in life. And this is an even harder truth: Not everyone is ready to get better, be sober, do the work, use their tools, or face their issues. And not everybody can.

The fact is, adults only get better when they are ready to do the work, and you will be ready way before they are. It sounds harsh, but it’s true.

As you learned, pressuring someone to change creates resistance to changing, and your frustration and judgment are only going to make the situation with someone struggling worse. The higher the stakes, the more shame and paralysis the other person feels. People only heal when they are ready. And if they haven’t, it’s because they aren’t ready. When someone you love is going through an internal struggle, they will not get better for you, their kids, or their family. They have to want to get better for themselves.

Look at people’s struggles as an opportunity to support them in discovering their strengths. If someone learns that they are too weak to face their struggles, they will never experience what is truly possible. And if you always swoop in and rescue someone, they will start expecting you to do it when life gets hard. But if they see themselves moment by moment, day by day, facing the hard and scary things in life with you by their side, you teach them that they are capable of doing things that are way beyond what they see for themselves.

If you are giving financial support to someone in an attempt to help them through a hard time, you better be very clear about the conditions upon which you are giving that support. If you give money without conditions, it will lead to massive resentment on your end. The money is not a gift. And unconditional love does not mean unconditional financial support.

Using the Let Them Theory, you must step back and allow adults to face and feel the natural consequences of their actions. Instead of rescuing, offer support with conditions. This approach helps them take responsibility for their own healing and growth, and demonstrates your belief in their innate ability to get better and do better.

Love is the most powerful force in the world. You deserve to feel loved, be loved, fall in love, express love, and experience one of the greatest joys in life: being in a loving relationship.

the best relationships grow and change over time—and changing how you show up will create connection and the loving partnership you truly deserve.

There’s that famous saying, “If someone likes you, you’ll know, and if they don’t, you’ll be confused.” Feeling confused is a very dangerous place to be when you’re dating because if you like them, your knee-jerk reaction will be to convince yourself that they like you. Do NOT do that. Let Them confuse you.

The only way you learn who someone is and where you stand in their life is by watching their behavior. Forget what they say. Watch what they do.

One of the fundamental principles of the Let Them Theory is that people’s behavior tells you exactly where you stand in their life. You need to understand: This is very black and white. You are either a priority, or you are not. There is no middle ground. Let Them show you who they are.

One of the most important signs of a healthy relationship is that it is mutual. Mutual effort. Mutual respect. Mutual feelings. Mutual attraction. Mutual interest.

You must let their behavior be the clear message. Letting Them is the easy part. Let Me is the hard part, because you don’t want to see the truth. Let Me see them for who they are. Let Me accept the truth in their behavior—I am not a priority. Stop choosing to chase people who clearly do not want to be with you.

Being able to have honest conversations is the foundation of a loving and healthy relationship. So don’t fear this, embrace it. If the relationship is meant to be, this conversation will make it stronger. A real conversation only destroys something that is fake.

every couple that has made a relationship work has had two important things present: First, they both wanted the relationship to work. And they were both willing to do the work to make it better. Second, the issues that created problems did not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values.

Can you accept this person exactly as they are, and exactly where they are, and still love them? That means, do you truly love your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, or partner for who they are right now?

They may be things you have to learn to accept, and that’s just work you’re going to have to do to make this relationship thrive. Let Them.

you still love them despite all these things? Because, the reality of it is. . . they may never change. And here is the other thing, they probably won’t. Remember one of the fundamental takeaways from this book: People only do what they feel like doing. Yes, you can influence them. But if you keep wanting them to change, and they don’t, it not only weakens your love. It creates resentment.

Let Them be. Instead of sitting there silently resenting them or criticizing them behind their back, be the loving and mature person in the relationship. Either stop trying to make them like you, and accept them as they are,

When you use Let Me to influence someone else, do it with the hope that they change, because you love them and want something better for them, and you want the relationship to work and this matters to you.

Ask yourself: Could you be with this person for the rest of your life if they never, ever change? Whether the answer is yes or no, move to Step E because something needs to end

You are at the point where they are not changing. You are in a standoff on the issue and you can either live with this or you can’t. You have to choose to end your bitching or end the relationship. Can you stop complaining about this issue, for real? Can you stop griping to yourself, holding it over their head, and acting in a passive-aggressive way and complaining to your friends?

a fundamental truth: A relationship doesn’t make you worthy of love. Your existence does. You will spend your entire life from the day you are born to the day you die with only one person: you. You are the only love of your life.

The Let Them Theory has taught you how to let others be who they are and how to reclaim your power by choosing how you show up.

The Let Them Theory is more than just a tool for navigating relationships with others; it’s a guide for how to treat yourself with the love, respect, and kindness you deserve. Let Them be who they are. But more importantly, let yourself be who you truly are. Let Me prioritize my own happiness. Let Me pursue my dreams with passion. Let Me set boundaries that protect my peace. Let Me choose relationships that uplift and inspire me. Let Me love myself enough to walk away when it no longer works.

It’s about recognizing that you are the source of your own happiness, your own fulfillment, and your own joy. When you truly embrace that, everything else falls into place.

The Let Them Theory empowers you to recognize your worth, let go of those who don’t treat you well, and focus on finding someone who truly deserves you.

If you still think other people are the problem, you need to go back and read this entire book again. The truth is simple: YOU hold the power. And YOU are the one who has been giving it away.

You’ve been trying to control the uncontrollable, trying to force the world to conform to your expectations. But what if, instead, you focused on your own response to whatever the world throws your way? You can’t change the weather. But you can change how it impacts you. No matter what happens around you, you decide how it will affect you.

The people and situations around you are like the weather. The fact is, you can never control other people—how they think, how they act, whether or not they love you, or how fast they check you out at the grocery store.

Why would you ever entrust something as precious as your confidence, your peace of mind, your happiness, and your dreams to the whims and moods of the people around you?

Ask yourself, and I mean really ask yourself: If all the energy and time you spent resisting reality—wanting lines to move faster, wanting people to text you back, wanting your boss to recognize your worth, wanting more friends, wanting people to like you, wanting your family to support your career change—if all those thoughts, feelings, and precious moments in your day were put toward something that truly mattered to you, where would you be? Who would you be? What would you have achieved? THAT is the cost of not using Let Them.