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The 5 Second Rule taught me that action is the answer. Thinking about your problems will never solve them. Waiting around to feel like doing something means you’ll never do it. It taught me that no one is coming to save you. You must save yourself from yourself. You have to force yourself to make little moves forward, all day, every day, especially when you don’t feel like it.
Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you’ll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.
You’ll never feel ready to change your life. One day, you just get tired of your own excuses and force yourself to do it.
You live as though, if you say the right things, people will like you. If you keep taking on more work, your boss will respect you. If you act in the right way, and cater to what your mom wants, and also keep your friends happy, somehow you’ll find peace. You won’t.
The Let Them Theory is a proven method that teaches you how to protect your time and energy, and focus on what matters to you. You’ve spent too long chasing approval, managing other people’s happiness, and letting their opinions hold you back. Learn how to stop giving your power away and start creating a life where you come first—your dreams, your goals, your happiness.
Or maybe your dad makes another comment about your life choices, and it hits you like a brick. Instead of letting it ruin your day, just say Let Him. Let him have his opinions. They don’t change who you are or what you’ve accomplished or your right to make decisions that make you happy.
When you stop trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, you stop wasting your energy. You reclaim your time, your peace of mind, and your focus. You realize that your happiness is tied to your actions, not someone else’s behavior, opinions, or mood.
if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.
At first, those words felt like a rejection. Like I was giving in. But then I realized something important: Let Them wasn’t about giving in. It was about releasing myself from the control I never had in the first place.
the urge to control things comes from a very primal place: fear. Fear of being excluded, of not being liked, of things falling apart if we’re not steering the ship.
I realized I wasn’t just trying to control what my friends might think of me—I was trying to control my own discomfort. I hated feeling rejected, so my immediate reaction was to fix the situation before I had to feel anything at all. That’s when the Let Them Theory started to click at a much deeper level for me.
Buddhism and Radical Acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality. The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they are. The Let Them Theory helps you not only accept reality but also separate yourself from the need to change it. You acknowledge that others’ actions and choices are not yours to control, and in doing so, you reclaim your emotional freedom. This is Radical Acceptance in its most empowering form.
the Let Them Theory represents “a profound truth: choosing peace is not weakness—it is power. This idea resonates deeply with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s legacy, and his father, Daddy King’s vision of nonviolent action. ‘Let them’ doesn’t mean giving away control; it means reclaiming it. By choosing how we respond—by not feeding anger, hatred, or negativity—we exercise the ultimate power over ourselves. As Daddy King once said in the face of unimaginable loss, ‘I refuse to let hatred reduce me.’ This message is a call to recognize the strength we hold in our response, one that can transform
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nonviolence was not passive but the most courageous form of action—choosing peace when hatred tries to provoke. By refusing to react with bitterness, we reclaim our power and shape a better future.”
You’re releasing that grip you have on how things should go and allowing them to unfold the way they will go. You’re freeing yourself.
when you say Let Them, you are recognizing what’s in your control and what isn’t. Instead of spiraling, you’re choosing to steady yourself and detach.
If all you ever do is say Let Them, Let Them, Let Them, it will lead you to feel more isolated. It will make you want to withdraw or shut down.
Let Me is all about self-awareness, compassion, empowerment, and personal responsibility.
The Let Them Theory is not about superiority at all. It’s about balance. It’s about making room for both you and someone else. It’s about giving other people the space and the grace to live their lives—and then giving yourself the same.
Focusing on what you can’t control makes you stressed. Focusing on what you can control makes you powerful.
In the past, I would have allowed this guy to stress me out. I would have gotten zero work done, been exhausted by the time the plane landed, and then called my husband to complain about this idiot who ruined my entire flight. I probably would have told the story over dinner that night with the clients who had hired me to speak at the event. I would have gone on and on about how “infuriating” this situation was for me. All of which would have left me feeling even more stressed out, more worked up, and more drained.
Give people the freedom to think negative thoughts about you.
Instead of wasting your time worrying about them, start living your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself. Let Me do what I want to do with my one wild and precious life.
People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. Most people haven’t gone to therapy, haven’t looked at their issues, and they don’t want to. Let Them. Let your parents be less than what you deserve. Let your family life be something that isn’t a fairy tale. They are doing the best they can with the resources and life experiences they have. Now you get to choose what happens moving forward.
Then you move to the second part, which is Let Me. Let Me figure out what kind of relationship I want to create, based on the kind of person I want to be and the values that I have.
When you say Let Them, you give other people the space to feel their emotions without needing to fix them. When you say Let Me, you do what’s right for you, even if it upsets someone, which is how you take responsibility for your own life.
But here’s what’s beautiful about the Let Them Theory: It doesn’t make you more judgmental—it makes you more compassionate. Instead of getting frustrated, you begin to understand that most people simply don’t have the tools to handle their emotions maturely.
It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being kind to yourself and continuing to grow.
When you feel your emotions rising up, Let Them. Allow the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, the grief, the tears, and the feelings of failure to come up. Let Them. And then, Let Me not react. Don’t reach for your phone. Don’t turn on the TV. Don’t make a drink. Don’t open the fridge. And for crying out loud, don’t text anyone. Just notice the feelings and Let Them rise up.
It’s true, a lot of people have been dealt a “luckier” or “more successful” hand of cards. Let Them. They are going to achieve things faster. They have a leg up. They have more resources. They have more support. There is nothing you can do to change it. It’s a fact. Let Them. Because worrying about it, or making yourself feel bad, is an insult to your intelligence. You can figure out how to win. You can learn how to work with what you’ve got and start where you are and create anything you want in life. But you will never do that if you give all of your power to this stupid and toxic habit of
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The fact is, there are two different types of comparison that people engage in: torture or teacher. In order to use comparison to your advantage, you must first identify which type of comparison you are doing, and it’s very easy to tell the difference. The first type of comparison is torture. This is when you find yourself obsessed over, caught up in, or beating yourself up over something that you will never be able to change. Comparison feels like torture when you’re focused on fixed attributes of someone else’s life.
Let Them live their life. Let Me focus on mine.
No one else’s wins are your losses.
“You should thank her!” No one should feel sorry for you. If you are jealous right now about someone else’s success, GOOD. I’m happy for you. Jealousy is an invitation from your future self. It is inviting you to look more closely at someone else—not to make you feel inferior, but to show you what is possible.
This woman is a reminder to Molly that social media matters. She is a teacher who is leading the way. Let Them wake you up. Let Them be successful. Let Them dazzle you with their beautiful web design.
Molly knows that this woman from the neighborhood has no special advantage, talent, or resources. That’s why she’s so mad. This irritating woman is shoving a simple fact in Molly’s face: If I can do it, you can do it too.
Part of the reason it’s so painful right now is that she’s seeing the fruits of someone else’s efforts. This will keep happening if you don’t start to move on the things that you want.
There are three factors that I believe make great friendships possible: proximity, timing, and energy.
I would have been able to rise above the situation. I would have taken responsibility for understanding and processing my emotions in a healthy way, like a mature adult.
Friendships are not a tit for tat. Do not keep score. Reach out to people because you want to. But don’t expect a response. How quickly or how often someone responds is not a sign of how much they care about you. It’s more likely an indication of how overwhelmed they may be. Everyone has a ton going on, and 99 percent of the time you have no clue what someone else is dealing with, so with friends especially, don’t judge when you don’t hear back. Assume good intent.
When somebody “loses touch,” it doesn’t mean you’ve lost a friend. I hate the fact that a lot of people think that just because someone is distant, they are now your enemy. Let Them be distant.
Let Them will help you be flexible, be compassionate, and allow people to come and go. Let Me will remind you to stop sitting around expecting invitations, or assuming ill intent. It will motivate you to take the lead on reaching out to old friends, and put yourself out there to create new ones.
Trust that the more you do this without expecting someone to invite you out to dinner, or someone to immediately click, the faster the right people find their way to you. You can think about it in terms of energy. You are opening up your energy, knowing that the people that are truly meant to be in your life are going to match it naturally.
Instead of sitting around hoping that someone else starts a hiking group, or a walking club, or a book club, you go first.
If their calendar is so busy they can’t find time to go for a walk, Let Them. If they cancel plans this weekend because they’ve had a long week at work, Let Them. If they fall in love, or have a baby, and you are no longer a priority, Let Them. If they move away, and start a different chapter, Let Them. If they stop returning your calls, Let Them. If they are prioritizing other friendships or work, Let Them. If the timing, proximity, or energy is off, Let Them.
When you see that it’s been about YOU all along, and your need to control, it is easier to drop the pressure and Let Them be.
The thought behind this technique is that getting the person to talk about how THEY feel will encourage them to think about the disconnect between what they want and their current behavior.
In this section of the book, we will unpack how, in your attempt to help, you may unknowingly be preventing other adults from finding their strength to face their struggles. The more you try to rescue someone from their problems, the more likely they will continue to drown in them. Allowing someone to face the natural consequences of their actions is a necessary part of healing. The fact is, adults only get better when they are ready to do the work, and you will be ready way before they are.
It’s imperative that you realize that rescuing someone isn’t supporting them, and enabling someone’s self-destructive behavior isn’t loving them. There is a thin line between what constitutes support, and what is enabling people.
Think of healing as a game that the person you love must choose to play. Offering support is like throwing someone the ball. You can toss the ball to them over and over, but they have to choose to catch it and run down the field. Enabling is when you grab the ball and try to run it down the field every time they won’t.
