The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

If they are unwilling to catch the ball, you must stop throwing it. We both know that deep in your heart, the second they are ready to catch the ball, you will be waiting to toss it.

Legally you are an adult at 18, but from a neuroscience perspective, someone between the ages of 18 and 25 still needs a lot of guidance.

I once heard an addiction specialist say that no one gets sober until being drunk is more painful than facing the thing you are running from. Hearing that made so much sense for me and it can help you move from a place of judgment into a place of understanding and compassion. That person needs pain in order to galvanize the will to change.

Look at people’s struggles as an opportunity to support them in discovering their strengths. If someone learns that they are too weak to face their struggles, they will never experience what is truly possible.

There’s that famous saying, “If someone likes you, you’ll know, and if they don’t, you’ll be confused.” Feeling confused is a very dangerous place to be when you’re dating because if you like them, your knee-jerk reaction will be to convince yourself that they like you. Do NOT do that. Let Them confuse you.

Do not spend your time trying to shrink yourself into a tiny little box, or become someone new, or change who you are, just to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you back. Don’t do it.

I have really loved spending time with you. And I know myself, and I’m really looking for a commitment. I wanted to talk to you because I want to see if we both have the same vision for where this is going. I value my time and energy, and I don’t want to put time and energy into spending time with someone if it’s not going to go to the next level. And I’ve reached that point with you. It’s been really fun. I love spending time with you. But I only want to invest more time and energy if we’re going to go to the next level. And if you don’t see the same thing, this has been great. But I just know myself and I need to choose to invest the time that I have with people who want the same things that I want.

As you read it, don’t you respect the person who is saying it? That they “value” their time and energy?

But every couple that has made a relationship work has had two important things present: First, they both wanted the relationship to work. And they were both willing to do the work to make it better. Second, the issues that created problems did not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values.

almost all gridlock in your relationship comes from “unfulfilled dreams.”

Is there someone better out there? The answer is, you’ll never know. I personally believe this worry is something that dating culture, social media, and romantic comedies have put into your head. There is no perfect person. Everyone has past issues. Everyone has baggage. And the older you get, the more baggage you have.

Taking back your power means reclaiming responsibility for your life. It means demanding more of yourself because time is ticking, and you’ve wasted enough of it worrying about things that don’t matter. It means being laser-focused on the things you can control and not giving a single second to the things you can’t.