The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

I felt completely lost, like nothing I did would ever be enough to dig us out of the hole we were in.

can feel horrible and still do what I need to do? Yes, Mel, you can. And it worked. In those five seconds, I had interrupted the cycle of overthinking.

So, I began counting backward, 5-4-3-2-1 anytime there was something I needed to do . . . but I didn’t feel motivated to do it.

this countdown technique the “5 Second Rule.” It’s so simple: The moment you have an instinct to act, you have to physically move within five seconds, or your brain will talk you out of it.

Here’s why it works: Counting backward requires focus and snaps you out of autopilot, giving you just enough of a push to get going.

And the best part? Once you start moving, it’s way easier to keep going.

The 5 Second Rule taught me that action is the answer. Thinking about your problems will never solve them. Waiting around to feel like doing something means you’ll never do it. It taught me that no one is coming to save you. You must save yourself from yourself.

Small, Consistent Action Changes Everything

I had become the most-booked female speaker in the world. I was being hired by companies I admired.

because if you remember it, you’ll use it. For example, did you know that high-fiving yourself in the mirror is one of the fastest ways to rewire your mindset for self-confidence?

Two years ago, I stumbled upon these two words: Let Them, and it was like flipping a switch in my life. The 5 Second Rule changed my relationship with myself. The Let Them Theory changed my relationship with other people.

What is stopping you from doing what you need to do or living your life the way you want to live it? What are you afraid of? I was shocked when I discovered the answer for myself: It was other people. Or rather, how I was letting other people impact me.

Learn how to stop giving your power away and start creating a life where you come first—your dreams, your goals, your happiness.

achieve your goals, or feel happier, I want you to hear this: The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

You work harder, bend further, and shrink yourself smaller, and still, someone is disappointed. Still, someone criticizes. Still, you’re left feeling like no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough.

When you stop managing everyone else, you’ll realize you have a lot more power than you thought—you’ve just unknowingly been giving it away.

The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them.

or been so consumed with work or school that you cancel yet another plan with your friends. You can waste years of your life being distracted by meaningless things or late nights at work. It’s easy to get yourself so stressed out about life that you forget the entire point is to live it.

LET THEM show up to prom in wet tuxedos and dresses. LET THEM go eat where they want. It’s their prom. Not yours. Just drop it.” LET. THEM.

I could not believe how different I felt. I started saying Let Them anytime I felt stressed, tense, or frustrated

It was as if I didn’t care and was weirdly above it all. The things that used to bother me just . . . didn’t. The people who used to annoy me . . . just didn’t. The tight grip that I had on life started to loosen up.

So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

In these types of painful situations, you’re going to have to keep saying Let Them over and over, because when something hurts,

I’m a fixer by nature. I’ve spent most of my life believing that if I didn’t step in, if I didn’t manage the situation, things would fall apart. I had to be the one who kept everything together—relationships, work, friendships, even the emotions of the people I love. And when something didn’t go the way I expected, it felt like a reflection on me. If someone was upset, if something didn’t work out, if I wasn’t included, I automatically thought I had to fix it, change it, control it.

And let’s be real—control gives us the illusion of safety. When we’re in control, we believe we can protect ourselves from pain, disappointment, rejection. But it’s just that—an illusion of safety.

Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

Stoicism, Buddhism, Detachment Theory, or Radical Acceptance, you’ll recognize that Let Them and Let Me applies these teachings and turns them into a practical, everyday tool for improving your relationships and reclaiming your personal power. In Stoicism, the focus is on controlling your own thoughts and actions—not

Buddhism and Radical Acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality.

Detachment Theory teaches us how to emotionally distance ourselves from situations that trigger us.

Let Them Theory represents “a profound truth: choosing peace is not weakness—it is power. This idea resonates deeply with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s legacy, and his father, Daddy King’s vision of nonviolent action.

This will automatically make you feel better than someone else. You will feel wiser and weirdly above it all, which is why it is easy to detach from the situation. And a little superiority can go a long way when you’re in an emotional spiral. That temporary feeling of power over other people can help you move through the situation, accept what’s happening, and process the frustrating or painful experiences in life.

Saying it and getting that jolt of superiority felt good, and detaching from the emotion felt great. That was the easy part. But I didn’t know what to do next.

the danger of only saying Let Them: If all you ever do is say Let Them, Let Them, Let Them, it will lead you to feel more isolated.

Let Them is just the first half of the equation. You cannot stop there. There is a second, critical part to the theory—Let Me.

Let Me Is the Power Move

say Let Them, you make a conscious decision not to allow other people’s behavior to bother you. When you say Let Me, you take responsibility for what YOU do next.

Let Me be more proactive about reaching out to people. Let Me invite people to do something this weekend. Let Me throw a party for once. Let Me develop better boundaries with work so I have time for friendship. Let Me prioritize my social life, because clearly it matters to me, and it is my responsibility to create one.

Every time I say Let Them, I am acknowledging that my kids are capable and stronger than I think. The Let Me part reminds me that my job is in supporting, listening, and guiding, not controlling.

Some people have shared that they feel lonely after using the Let Them Theory. If you’re feeling this way, it’s a sign you’re applying the theory incorrectly.

Let Them is not an excuse to stop answering your phone, to shrug your shoulders, to refuse to talk it out with a friend or family member who is hurt, to stay in a situation that hurts you, or to ignore discrimination or dangerous behavior. It’s not a license to give someone the silent treatment, ghost people, avoid hard conversations, or withdraw from your relationships.

You are capable of creating anything that you want if you are willing to put the time and energy into working for it. Your Let Me era is here.

Even the best relationships can become more meaningful and your connection to someone can always go deeper.

The fact is, the best relationships grow and change over time—and changing how you show up will create connection and the loving partnership you truly deserve.

Finding love is more about saying no than it is about saying yes. When you have high standards for yourself and the kind of relationship you want,

One of the most important lessons is learning what kind of behavior you will not accept, and what kind of person you truly want to be in a relationship with. If you become obsessed with finding the one, you are going to miss all the lessons that dating is trying to teach you about the value of love in your life.

When you’re dating, have fun and meet a ton of people, but never forget the bigger picture: that you’re looking for someone who is capable of helping you become your best self and co-creating a beautiful life together.

And that brings me to a fact: People’s behavior tells you exactly how they feel about you. Your job isn’t to interpret it or second-guess it. Your job is to let people reveal who they are and how they truly feel about you and accept it. And by the way, this is true at every stage of a relationship.

“If someone likes you, you’ll know, and if they don’t, you’ll be confused.”

When you convince yourself that something is happening when it’s clearly not, you’re chasing love. Chasing love only chases it away.

These are all examples of chasing the potential and choosing not to see the reality.