The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

The more time you waste chasing the wrong people, the longer it’s going to take you to find the right one. Let Them ghost you. Let Me move

One question that you can always ask yourself to snap out of the dating fog is: If your best friend were being treated this way, what would you tell them?

Mutual effort. Mutual respect. Mutual feelings. Mutual attraction. Mutual interest.

If you are always finding yourself trying to date the person who is unavailable or can’t commit, chances are it is not as coincidental as you think. You are probably attracted to people who you think you can change or win over, or who are unavailable because they are with someone else or just emotionally unavailable.

But every couple that has made a relationship work has had two important things present: First, they both wanted the relationship to work. And they were both willing to do the work to make it better. Second, the issues that created problems did not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values.

Can you accept this person exactly as they are, and exactly where they are, and still love them?

Even if there are specific things that bother you, in the end they might not be deal breakers. They may be things you have to learn to accept, and that’s just work you’re going to have to do to make this relationship thrive. Let Them.

Remember one of the fundamental takeaways from this book: People only do what they feel like doing. Yes, you can influence them. But if you keep wanting them to change, and they don’t, it not only weakens your love. It creates resentment.

Let Them be. Instead of sitting there silently resenting them or criticizing them behind their back, be the loving and mature person in the relationship. Either stop trying to make them like you, and accept them as they are, or have the productive and loving conversation about what you need and why this is bothering you.

A: APOLOGIZE, then ASK open-ended questions. B: BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR. C: CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model the CHANGE.

Let Them sit with it. Say nothing. Let Them experience their feelings. Let the silence do the work for you. Let Them feel the consequences of their actions. Let Them. And then, Let Me use science. Ask them an open-ended question. “Why does this upset you?” or “What do you want to do about this?” or something else.

If after six months, the person hasn’t changed or hasn’t tried to change, assume they aren’t going to. And, I’m sorry that I have to be the one to tell you this, but they’re not ready. They don’t want to do it. Doing it for you is not enough. It’s not a priority of theirs, or maybe there is something deeper going on, and they are not capable of changing. Or maybe

Ask yourself: Could you be with this person for the rest of your life if they never, ever change?

Chris is usually sitting in the car patiently waiting for me while I run around the house like a lunatic looking for something I can’t find . . . and this is just the tip of the disorganized iceberg that is Mel Robbins.

How I leave dirty tissues on the counter and forget to throw them in the trash. (“It’s disgusting, Mel.”) Or how frustrated he gets when I am distracted and scrolling on Instagram. (“Are you even listening to me right now?”)

I have tried to change. I want to change. I work on it. And it still hasn’t happened. I am late. I lose everything. I make messes around the house and don’t clean them up. I hate this about myself. I wish I could snap my fingers and change this aspect of who I am.

It’s why, as much as my behavior frustrates him, it is not a deal breaker. Chris has decided that everything else that I provide as his partner trounces the annoyances created by my ADHD.

If you can’t truly end your bitching, then you can’t accept the other person and love them as they are. That’s not a very kind and loving thing to

She knows that to make the relationship work, she has to work harder at accepting him and changing how she shows up in the relationship. She needs to bring more compassion and kindness to their dynamic. She can keep trying to influence him, but the expectations have to go, along with any complaining.

I said that two things are required to make a relationship go the distance: Both people want the relationship to work and are both willing to work on it to make it better. The issues that create problems do not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values.

The fact is, 69 percent of the problems in your relationship are not resolvable. This statistic comes from 40 years of scientific research conducted by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the most famous relationship researchers on the planet (who also happen to be married). They’ve found that the #1 issue that couples fight about is things that will never change: like how someone runs late, or isn’t as ambitious as you would like, or they spend every weekend in front of the TV,

Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s research says that if you are constantly fighting about the same stuff and going around and around, it’s probably because of a profound difference between your and your partner’s personalities and your deepest hopes and dreams.

According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, almost all gridlock in your relationship comes from “unfulfilled dreams.”

regrets it. But I know a lot of people who have gotten divorced and have a nagging regret that they wish they had worked a little harder to make it work and had the courage to face their issues sooner.