The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

If you’ve ever been in this situation, you understand how monumental even the simplest tasks seem: getting out of bed, opening your bills, being fully present with your family, cooking a nice meal, applying for a job, going for a walk, canceling that subscription, or even just being honest about the extent to which you’re struggling. . . . Everything feels impossible. Every morning when I woke up, the anxiety was coursing through my veins, and I thought, Is this really what it’s going to look like for the rest of my life? But you want to know the funny thing about being stuck? I knew exactly what I needed to do: get up, tackle the dreaded pile of bills, get the kids ready for school, make myself go on walks, reach out to my friends for support, make a budget, find a job. And yet, I couldn’t seem to do any of it.

It taught me that no one is coming to save you. You must save yourself from yourself. You have to force yourself to make little moves forward, all day, every day, especially when you don’t feel like it.

Looking back, I can see how paralyzed I was with imposter syndrome. What right did I have to call myself an expert in anything? I suppose I was just waiting for some kind of permission to put myself out there. Maybe you’re doing that right now. Waiting for the right time. Waiting to feel ready or a little less afraid. Waiting for someone to come along and tell you that today is the day to start. The problem with waiting is no one is coming. The only permission you need is your own.

For example, did you know that high-fiving yourself in the mirror is one of the fastest ways to rewire your mindset for self-confidence?

My life didn’t change because of one thing that I did; it changed because of the thousands of mornings where I woke up and didn’t feel like getting out of bed, but I 5-4-3-2-1 made myself do it.

Some days, all I focused on was just trying to be a little better than I was the day before. Often that’s all you need to do.

You’ll never feel ready to change your life. One day, you just get tired of your own excuses and force yourself to do it.

You live as though, if you say the right things, people will like you. If you keep taking on more work, your boss will respect you. If you act in the right way, and cater to what your mom wants, and also keep your friends happy, somehow you’ll find peace. You won’t.

We all do it, often without realizing it. You make the mistake of thinking that if you say the right thing, everyone will be satisfied. If you bend over backward, maybe your partner won’t be disappointed. If you’re friendly enough, maybe your co-workers will like you more. If you keep the peace, maybe your family will stop judging your choices.

No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings.

I had seen them around town at large gatherings, but I hadn’t invested in those individual friendships, and I hadn’t planned anything fun or reached out to them recently either. Intellectually, I knew this, but emotionally I was devastated. I felt like I was back in middle school again: the one left out of the sleepover, the one who didn’t make the team, or who wasn’t part of the inside joke.

The old me would have obsessed over this for days. For weeks, really. My emotions would have gotten the best of me. I would have tried to pretend it didn’t bother me. I would have tried to convince myself that I didn’t care. I would have tried to rationalize it over and over in my mind. I would have turned my friends into villains to make me feel better. All of which would have made me feel worse and withdraw even more from these women who I genuinely liked.

We all have moments where we try to control the world around us—especially when we feel hurt, left out, annoyed, or afraid. Maybe you’ve found yourself trying to manage every detail of a group plan to make sure everyone is included, or maybe you’ve stressed about whether people are upset with you when they don’t respond to your messages right away. It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

choosing peace is not weakness—it is power.

I refuse to let hatred reduce me.’

The question is, why do you want to be with someone who does this to you? You don’t. Don’t waste your energy chasing someone who’s already left. Focus on what you can control: processing your emotions and reminding yourself that you deserve someone who treats you with respect.

The sad truth is, I did this to MYSELF. My friends didn’t do anything TO me. They were just living their lives. They are allowed to go away. They are allowed to plan a weekend with whomever they want. The way I reacted to their trip is what hurt me.

it’s not going to happen. No one is coming. And any time you spend blaming other people, or waiting for permission or an invitation, is wasted. Those days are over. It’s time to take full responsibility for your happiness, your dreams, and your life. After all, responsibility is simply the ability to respond. And as you’ve just learned, true power lies in your response.

And that means you must stop wasting your time and energy on petty, shallow, and insignificant things.

How cool is it that you don’t have to live your life feeling like everything happening around you has to stress you out? How amazing is it that other people’s behavior doesn’t have to be a huge problem in your life?

When you let other people stress you out, you surrender your power to things that either don’t matter or are beyond your control.

If you want to achieve your goals, be more present, feel more confident, and be happier, you must stop allowing other people to stress you out. In life, there will be things you can control, and things that you can’t. There will be situations that are fair, and situations that are not. You get to decide what stresses you out and for how long.

I’ll Let Me be the bigger person, and I’ll take a baggie and pick it up. And then I’ll smear it all over her car in the parking lot

Your body’s stress response is automatic. You will feel yourself getting annoyed. You will feel frustrated. You will feel the anger and agitation hit. You can’t control the emotions that rise up inside of you. But you can learn how to reset your stress response so your emotions don’t hijack you.

It’s time to reclaim all your time and energy for what matters most to you.

Every time you edit what you post, or stay silent in class or at work, or hide in the back of the group photo, you are engaging in self-rejection. You’re the one telling yourself that you’re not good enough. The constant questioning, editing, deleting, overthinking, and asking other people, “Does this look good?” only magnifies your self-doubt. And you want to know the crazy part? You’re doing it to yourself. I did too.

You can be annoyed by the way someone is acting and still love them to death.

First, even when you bend over backward and try to please everyone, and make it work, even THAT won’t guarantee that other people will think a positive thought. Let Them. Second—and this is the most important point—don’t be the person who bends over backward to make everyone happy. I used to be that person. It left me depleted and feeling like nothing I could do was ever good enough.

Because the truth is this: You have limited time with your loved ones. At some point, you’re going to realize that your parents aren’t going to be here forever, and that this was their first time as a human being too. People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. Most people haven’t gone to therapy, haven’t looked at their issues, and they don’t want to. Let Them. Let your parents be less than what you deserve. Let your family life be something that isn’t a fairy tale. They are doing the best they can with the resources and life experiences they have. Now you get to choose what happens moving forward. I’m not saying this to justify anything bad that happens. I’m not saying that you don’t deserve better. Everyone deserves to feel seen, supported, and loved, particularly by their family. But the fact is, most human beings have never done the work to understand themselves, heal their past, or manage their own emotions. If they haven’t done that for themselves, they are incapable of doing that for you and showing up in a way that you deserve. Let Them. When you recognize that, you have a choice in your life. Let your family be who they are. Your dad is not changing. Your mom is not changing. Your siblings aren’t changing. Your in-laws aren’t changing. The only person you can change is you. When you say Let Them, you are seeing your family exactly as they are for the first time in your life, perhaps. They are human. You have no control over what happened. You ha...

This could mean spending time with your family not out of guilt, but because it matters to you. That might mean defining your own traditions even though it upsets your family. That might mean being the one who always makes the effort even when it is not returned. It might mean saying “I love you” or “I understand” or “I forgive you” for the first time.

You get one wild and precious life, so go live it in a way that makes you proud.

You will always come last if you let other people’s emotional immaturity have power over you.

Emotional maturity isn’t something you’re born with or that just happens. It’s a skill that takes time, practice, and a desire to learn.

The reason why children act like this is because they cannot regulate their own emotions.

One more thing to understand is that it really has nothing to do with you. When someone gives you the silent treatment, it all stems from their inability to understand their emotions or past demons.

It’s a lifelong process, and many days, it feels like I’m starting all over again.

In life the most courageous, honorable, and kind thing to do is tell someone you don’t want to be with them. It’s hard to be honest, especially when other people are emotionally immature.

It’s not your job to protect everybody else from feeling emotions. Your job and responsibility is to live your life in a way that is aligned with your values and what you know deep down is true for you.

Never let someone else’s emotional reactions keep you from making the hard decision. Let Me be honest with myself and others. Let Me do the hard thing that is painful now, because it is the right thing to do and will save me from so much pain later. Let Me give myself the opportunity to have the life I deserve.

The truth is: Life isn’t fair. But at some point, you’ve got to wake up, accept that fact, and stop obsessing over what other people have, what they look like, and what they’ve achieved.

You are torturing yourself for no reason.

In life, you’re not playing against anyone. You’re playing with them. Someone will always have better cards than yours.

But you will never do that if you give all of your power to this stupid and toxic habit of comparing yourself to other people. Stop it.

It’s easy to say “Why me?” It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself. It’s easy to look at someone else and make yourself feel bad because they have the body, the bank account, a loving relationship, perfect health, the car, the trust fund, the safety, the discipline, the friend group . . . because it is not fair. And you know what? Life is never going to be fair.

The truth is, if you have running water, electricity, and the time to read this book, you’re doing better than most people.

You must stop obsessing over the cards in someone else’s hands. Life isn’t fair. Someone will always seem to have better cards than you, and comparing your hand to theirs will always make you lose. Stop focusing on the other players; that’s not how you win the game of life. Learn to play with other players, not against them.

You’re too smart to waste your life torturing yourself.

Jealousy is an invitation from your future self. It is inviting you to look more closely at someone else—not to make you feel inferior, but to show you what is possible.

In life, if you’re not motivated to do something, it’s going to take something painful to force you to change.

“The truth is you don’t have to be special. You just have to be what most people aren’t: consistent, determined, and willing to work for it.”