The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

by Mel Robbins

I had been avoiding that responsibility for a decade. This experience forced me to look in the mirror and be honest with myself about what I wanted. Jealousy was in fact a message from my future self. Seeing my friend win allowed me to see bigger possibilities for me winning too.

You have a beautiful and amazing life to live. You have potential beyond your imagination. You are not limited by where you live, or the circumstances you are facing, or the aspects of your life that you believe are limitations. If you can be honest with yourself about what you truly want, and take responsibility for creating it, you will. You don’t have to be special. You just have to get up every day, put one foot in front of the other, and work hard to do a little better, and be a little better than you were yesterday. And one of these days, you are going to wake up and realize that you not only changed yourself, but you are in the middle of living the life you were once jealous of.

The mistake that we make is that we start to obsess over what is wrong, instead of just focusing on acceptance, kindness, and admiration for the other person. Just because you were best friends during one stage of your life doesn’t mean you will be best friends during the next stage, and that’s okay.

Why? I’ll tell you: It’s easier to blame someone else, and sit in your anger, than it is to take responsibility for yourself. I was making the single biggest mistake that you make in adult friendships: I was expecting to be friends forever, expecting to be included, and expecting it to be easy.

Before you walk away from a friendship, assume good intent on the other person’s part. Sometimes, you’re just friends with someone who never makes plans, or is extremely introverted, or who has a lot of heavy or demanding things going on in their life. It’s not that they are ghosting you; it’s that they are exhausted by the chapter of life they are in. It’s not personal that they’ve become distant. And the fact that you still reach out may be the lifeline that they need.

Friendships are not a tit for tat. Do not keep score. Reach out to people because you want to. But don’t expect a response. How quickly or how often someone responds is not a sign of how much they care about you. It’s more likely an indication of how overwhelmed they may be. Everyone has a ton going on, and 99 percent of the time you have no clue what someone else is dealing with, so with friends especially, don’t judge when you don’t hear back. Assume good intent.

All it takes is one text or phone call, and oftentimes, you’re right back in it.

And that was the beginning of turning this part of my life around and learning that adult friendship isn’t something that happens. It’s something you create.

If someone learns that they are too weak to face their struggles, they will never experience what is truly possible.

If you are sick of your parents’ opinions about what you should be doing, then start paying your own bills. If your parents pay for your therapy, wouldn’t it be fair for them to be able to talk to your therapist? You’d need to sign a release, but why wouldn’t you? As long as you are financially tied to someone else, you can say Let Them all you want, but their money is buying access to your life, whether you like it or not. If you want independence, prove it and start being financially independent for real. And let’s be honest: The real reason why your parents’ opinions frustrate you so much is because you need their money, and you know it. You’re not mad at them; you’re mad at yourself for not being financially independent.

When you help someone else, do it without expectation. Do it because it makes you feel good to reach out to that friend that’s in the hospital. Don’t do it because you hope to get a long text back updating you on what’s happening. Drop off dinner to someone who just had a baby, not because you are expecting a thank-you, but because it makes you feel good to know you show up for the people you love in life. Remember that when someone is struggling they are often so overwhelmed they don’t have the energy to keep you updated or to remember to thank you—but trust that your kind gesture is making all the difference, whether you receive a thank-you or not.

At the end of your life, what are the very last words you want someone to say to you? “I love you.” Love is the most powerful force in the world. You deserve to feel loved, be loved, fall in love, express love, and experience one of the greatest joys in life: being in a loving relationship.

As extraordinary as love is, it’s also the source of so much pain. You want to be loved so much that you can find yourself giving your power away to the other person. For example, maybe some stranger you met online now dictates your mood. Maybe someone who ghosted you has now destroyed your self-esteem. Or your spouse is very dismissive and treats you like a roommate, which you have just learned to accept.

You deserve an amazing love story, and you should never settle for less than that kind of love.

That is the worst way to approach the topic of love and committed partnerships. It is not a game. You’re not supposed to trick someone into liking you. You’re not supposed to follow rules about when you can text or what you can say.

They Don’t Like You. Wake Up.

One of the most important signs of a healthy relationship is that it is mutual. Mutual effort. Mutual respect. Mutual feelings. Mutual attraction. Mutual interest.

The biggest thing that makes dating confusing is your refusal to see the fact that they don’t care about you the way you wish they would.

This isn’t about getting the answer that you want. It’s about getting the truth about where you stand. This isn’t a particularly emotional conversation. It’s about the facts of what is worth your time, and what is not.

Let Me grieve. Let Me cry in my bed for days. Let Me tell the story over and over of how it ended. Let Me resist reaching out. Let Me be in a depressive state.

You’ve been trying to control the uncontrollable, trying to force the world to conform to your expectations. But what if, instead, you focused on your own response to whatever the world throws your way? You can’t change the weather. But you can change how it impacts you.

Why would you ever entrust something as precious as your confidence, your peace of mind, your happiness, and your dreams to the whims and moods of the people around you?

Ask yourself, and I mean really ask yourself: If all the energy and time you spent resisting reality—wanting lines to move faster, wanting people to text you back, wanting your boss to recognize your worth, wanting more friends, wanting people to like you, wanting your family to support your career change—if all those thoughts, feelings, and precious moments in your day were put toward something that truly mattered to you, where would you be? Who would you be? What would you have achieved? THAT is the cost of not using Let Them. Now think about all the missed opportunities—the people you wished you had introduced yourself to, the career you wanted to pursue, the music, the stand-up, the book you never wrote, the photo you never posted, the trip you didn’t plan, the thing you were afraid to say, the person you were afraid to love. THAT is the cost of not using Let Me.

We all love to think of excuses for why people who have what we want are somehow different from us: They were born into money. They are more attractive. Their life has been easier. They’ve gotten lucky. I’m sorry to break it to you, but that is a cop-out. There is no difference between you and the people you see achieving extraordinary things. They aren’t special.

The question is, will YOU let yourself do it? Because no one else can stop you. It’s all on you. The most important part of the Let Them Theory is understanding that you are responsible for your own happiness. You are responsible for the energy you bring and how you show up. You are responsible for waking up every day and doing the work to make progress on what matters. You are responsible for defining what matters to you. You are responsible for telling the truth even when it’s really hard. You are responsible for paying for your life. Nobody owes you anything, but you owe yourself everything. If you’re not where you want to be, there’s great news: It’s not your fault. Just like me, you’ve been unknowingly giving your power away. The even better news is this: The second you choose to, you can change it.