The Let Them Theory

by Mel Robbins

The 5 Second Rule taught me that action is the answer. Thinking about your problems will never solve them. Waiting around to feel like doing something means you’ll never do it. It taught me that no one is coming to save you. You must save yourself from yourself. You have to force yourself to make little moves forward, all day, every day, especially when you don’t feel like it.

Maybe you’re doing that right now. Waiting for the right time. Waiting to feel ready or a little less afraid. Waiting for someone to come along and tell you that today is the day to start. The problem with waiting is no one is coming. The only permission you need is your own.

Learning how to push yourself to take action when you are afraid or full of self-doubt or overwhelmed with excuses is a life skill you can learn. Once you master it, you’ll understand that you can achieve anything through small, consistent moves forward.

You’ll never feel ready to change your life. One day, you just get tired of your own excuses and force yourself to do it.

The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can.

If you’re struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or feel happier, I want you to hear this: The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

it. I spent years trying to be everything for everyone else, thinking that if I could just do enough, say the right things, and keep everyone happy, I’d finally feel good about myself. But what happens instead? You work harder, bend further, and shrink yourself smaller, and still, someone is disappointed. Still, someone criticizes. Still, you’re left feeling like no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough. It doesn’t have to be this way.

So, what does this look like? Imagine you’re at work, and your colleague is in a bad mood. Instead of letting their negativity affect you, just say Let Them. Let them be grumpy. It’s not your problem. Focus on your work and how you feel.

The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them. Here’s why this works: When you stop trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, you stop wasting your energy. You reclaim your time, your peace of mind, and your focus. You realize that your happiness is tied to your actions, not someone else’s behavior, opinions, or mood.

Time was passing, and I wished it would slow down. That’s the cruel fact about time. It’s going to keep passing, whether you slow down or not. The time that you have with the people that you love is like a melting ice cube. One minute, it’s there . . . . The next, it’s gone. And here’s the sad truth: You and I, we can’t stop the ice cube from melting. The only thing we can do is make the most of the time that we have with the people that we love while we have it. In moments like this, when I really stop and pause, I always feel a little sad.

So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you’re dating, a business partner, a family member—if they’re not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next.

No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings.

you’ve been trying to control the wrong things and unknowingly made other people a problem. The truth is, other people should be one of the greatest sources of happiness, support, and love in your life. But they can’t be if you keep trying to control what they feel, say, and do.

Trying to control people and situations doesn’t calm your fears. It amplifies them. Any psychologist will tell you, the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed out you become.

Focus on yourself, because that’s where your true power lies.

You acknowledge that others’ actions and choices are not yours to control, and in doing so, you reclaim your emotional freedom.

choosing peace is not weakness—it is power.

‘Let them’ doesn’t mean giving away control; it means reclaiming it. By choosing how we respond—by not feeding anger, hatred, or negativity—we exercise the ultimate power over ourselves. As Daddy King once said in the face of unimaginable loss, ‘I refuse to let hatred reduce me.’ This message is a call to recognize the strength we hold in our response, one that can transform our families, communities, and even the world.”

when you say Let Them, you are recognizing what’s in your control and what isn’t. Instead of spiraling, you’re choosing to steady yourself and detach. As I said earlier, other people hold no real power over you, unless you give them that power. And every time you say Let Them, you choose to take it back.

When you’re an adult, your life, happiness, health, healing, social life, friendships, boundaries, needs, and success are all your responsibility. If you’ve been secretly hoping someone else would come and rescue you, fix your problems, pay your bills, create a social life, heal your wounds, change into your dream partner, and motivate you to be your best . . . it’s not going to happen. No one is coming. And any time you spend blaming other people, or waiting for permission or an invitation, is wasted. Those days are over. It’s time to take full responsibility for your happiness, your dreams, and your life.

You are capable of creating anything that you want if you are willing to put the time and energy into working for it. Your Let Me era is here. And that means you must stop wasting your time and energy on petty, shallow, and insignificant things. And it also means that you have to stop trying to control the one thing you can’t: other people.

You’ll learn how to stop allowing other people’s behaviors, opinions, reactions, and success to affect your happiness and stand in the way of what you want.

The more you let other people live their lives, the better your life gets. — Mel Robbins

The 10 extra minutes that this line was going to take wouldn’t negatively impact the rest of my day, but allowing myself to get agitated and annoyed about something I couldn’t control absolutely would. Why get stressed out about things beyond your control or that don’t really matter? How does something so small have such a large impact on you?

Let Me stay engaged and vocal on the issues I care about and do something that can change the future of my local, national, and global politics. Don’t sit around and wait for someone else to clean up the mess that you see.

I like to remind myself of what Professor Margaret Mead said: “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”

All it takes is one person to do the right thing. And if it bothers you enough, that person is you. Something can always be done. You can make a difference. And if it doesn’t matter enough for you to get involved, then stop complaining about it. It just stresses you out. And as you are learning, that’s dumb. Talk is cheap. If it really bothers you, dedicate some time and energy to changing it.

Poet Mary Oliver asked this question in her poem “The Summer Day”: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” I don’t know what your answer to Mary Oliver’s question is, but I do know this: Whatever it is that you plan to do, other people are going to have an opinion about it.

You can’t even control half the thoughts that pop into your own mind. Why the heck do you think you can control what pops up in someone else’s? You can’t. It is scientifically impossible.

And that right there is the secret. When YOU are proud of yourself, you hold all the power. Make Decisions That Make YOU Proud

The point here is not to move through life as a selfish or narcissistic person who doesn’t care about other people. The point is learning how to put your needs first as you’re balancing what works for you with the expectations and feelings of other people. In life, you don’t want to be a doormat, but you also don’t want to be an inconsiderate bulldozer. It’s a balance.

It’s hard to understand that someone can love you and have opinions that are deeply hurtful and at times bigoted.

She’d never address it, and then suddenly one day she’d decide she was over it—and then we were back to being best friends. I was always just so relieved when she started talking to me again that I’d just play along like nothing ever happened. What I know now is that it was easier for her to give me the silent treatment and avoid having an honest conversation than to come to me and share how she was feeling. She didn’t even know how to do that. One more thing to understand is that it really has nothing to do with you. When someone gives you the silent treatment, it all stems from their inability to understand their emotions or past demons.

Let Them go silent. Let Them erupt. Let Them play the victim. Let Them sulk. Let Them deny that it happened. Let Them make it all about them. Then, Let Me. Let Me be the mature, wise, and loving adult in this situation. Let Me decide if I want to address this directly or not at all. Let Me remind myself that managing another person’s emotions is not my job. Let Me remove myself from any text chain, dinner table conversation, relationship, or friend group where this is happening.

Stop staying in situations where someone’s repeated emotional immaturity is starting to feel more like abuse. Stop feeling sorry for people who play the victim all the time. Stop explaining away someone’s clearly narcissistic patterns.

It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being kind to yourself and continuing to grow. It’s a lifelong process, and many days, it feels like I’m starting all over again. I know this is a skill I will be working on for the rest of my life, and so will you.

Here’s how you use the Let Them Theory to process your own emotions in a healthy way: When you feel your emotions rising up, Let Them. Allow the anger, the frustration, the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, the grief, the tears, and the feelings of failure to come up. Let Them. And then, Let Me not react. Don’t reach for your phone. Don’t turn on the TV. Don’t make a drink. Don’t open the fridge. And for crying out loud, don’t text anyone. Just notice the feelings and Let Them rise up. The reason why you must learn how to Let Them rise is that once they do, they also fall.

When you see comparison as a teacher, you’ll realize other people aren’t taking anything from you; they are giving something to you.

According to a University of Kansas study, to become a “casual” friend, you have to spend 74 hours with someone. And to become a “close” friend, you have to spend over 200 hours with someone.

When you stop expecting to have everyone be your best friend, or to be invited to everything, or be included in everything, or that you will click with everyone, friendship gets a lot easier. There is an entirely different way to view adult friendship using the Let Them Theory, and it will make your life so much more fulfilling, healthy, and happy.

Just because you were best friends during one stage of your life doesn’t mean you will be best friends during the next stage, and that’s okay.

I hate the term best friend. It puts too much pressure and expectations on a relationship that will always need room to grow and evolve. As people come in and out of your life, Let Them. Trust the timing.

People are going to come and go in your life. And the more flexible you are, the more they do. It’s such a beautiful thing to Let Them. Focus on Let Me, because that is what’s in your control. Let Me be understanding. Let Me make an effort. Let Me check in without an expectation, but just because I care. Let Me make the plans. Let Me trust when the energy feels off. Let Me call or text if someone crosses my mind. Let Me act with the belief that some of my most favorite friends I haven’t met yet. Let Me go first.

In the ABC Loop, you have three steps: A: APOLOGIZE, then ASK open-ended questions. B: BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR. C: CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model the CHANGE.

People do well when they can. Not when they want to do well, but when they can.

According to the research, immediate positive rewards after someone does something hard will boost their intrinsic motivation or desire to do it again. When you acknowledge their effort, it acts like fuel to keep them going.

There is a thin line between what constitutes support, and what is enabling people. Enabling is when you justify or support someone’s problematic behaviors because you think you’re helping them.

When you are depressed, staying in bed feels easier. When you are grieving, it’s easy to think you’ll never get through this. When you are struggling, reaching for a drink eases the pain.

“avoidance is a coping mechanism when someone is struggling.” Our daughter was scared to sleep in her room, so she was avoiding it. By allowing her to sleep on our floor, I made her anxiety worse. Every day, when I said, “You can sleep on the floor of our room,” I was telling her with my actions, “I believe you’re not strong enough to face this.” This may not seem like a big deal, but it’s a really big deal. Over the next few years, her anxiety got way worse, because I had helped her learn how to avoid facing it. I had taught her that the solution to anxious feelings was to run away from them. That only made her anxiety worse and her impulse to run stronger. Everything made her anxious: going to school, sitting in the car alone, sleeping at a friend’s house, going to guitar practice. Any small, normal moment of nerves would escalate into an anxiety attack where she “needed me.”

Look at people’s struggles as an opportunity to support them in discovering their strengths. If someone learns that they are too weak to face their struggles, they will never experience what is truly possible. And if you always swoop in and rescue someone, they will start expecting you to do it when life gets hard. But if they see themselves moment by moment, day by day, facing the hard and scary things in life with you by their side, you teach them that they are capable of doing things that are way beyond what they see for themselves. Stop rescuing people from their problems and start acting as if you believe in their ability to face them. Your actions are the loudest and truest form of communication. So when you act in a way that supports someone in facing what scares them, your behavior says, “I believe in you. You can do this. And I’ll be here by your side as you face it.”